Full Cold Moon marks 13 Months without You.

13 months. another Full Moon to end this year on.

photo turned-to-digital painting taken in Vylette's Sacred Woods - Dec 03, 2012. a year to the day i set her soul free.

 i look at Her picture and think i am so far from that moment... people that 'know' me probably feel its time i move on. but i can't ever. and i want to celebrate every month of what should be her life... so this is it huh? painful life without Her.  walking in molasses. stuck like super glue. don't know what to do without You. sinking deeper into depression. i want to sleep all day again. don't know where to toss or turn. the swell the sting and the burn have all turned into a numbed dull void. an endless expanse of questions wonders and nothingness.. in the darkness i see you. so many colors that there is always a light. i see you without my eyes in the night. your energy pulsates and shines so bright. so bright! i wish you could come again through a trick trap door and mark the entry to the other world : DO NOT DISTURB. a precious life needs to be Born Again and Lead. this time without needless delay, and suffocating redness to the head. i want you LIVE and WELL nestled warm in my bed, not dried up and packaged in a box with a certified note that says you're dead.

12. 21. 12.

so interesting to be around on the date they said for years would be the supposed "end of the world" 

my world ended late last year. losing your child, especially due to the dirty misleading hands of someone else, is the apocalypse and you pretty much have to see whats left of you , pick up the pieces and wonder wtf is coming next...

i could only wish today was the last day, it would make everything easier. id embrace it. I'm waiting.


when i realized i was pregnant, i said to myself "the world can't be ending. I'm blessed with a baby" something i for some reason though to be impossible. not by any medical issues whatsoever.. but just the idea was beyond me... how could i be blessed withs something so perfect and beautiful? i have always had bad luck and end up in shitty situations. but no! clearly the world was here to stay and great things were about to happen in my life. 2012 would be the mark of a great year and a notable time in my life... watching my child grow during her first year on this earth. no wonder they wrote about it so many moons ago. they were talking about my Vylette.


but  now post apocalypse in a world without Vylette.. perhaps she is part of that new consciousness that will supposedly take over the world. she has already made her mark on this world. one of love and positivity. i just wish she was here, so we could smile and be happy and look forward to 2013, another beautiful year in the life of our budding Vylette flower. maybe then i could manage to get out of bed and do something with myself.. as time drags on i find less and less reason to wake or even move.  i don't think i left my house in a month, aside from going to the store 2 blocks away.  i feel with all my being that she should be here and we should be enjoying her every moment. crying when she cries.. and laughing when we see the spark and joy dancing in her pretty eyes. 

the end of the world has come and gone... and all i am left with is a box on a shelf.

this and that. an endless swarming thought of what we had but now is lost

so where do i now
fit in?
i was so ready willing and able
for my new life to begin...

love, the flicker to the flint that sent my heart a flutter~
she, the dancer in my womb;
my budding blooming dear  Earth wonder!

did you know the way your time here with me would go?
did you sense the delayed response?
the negligent dreadful blunder
that truly sent me under
and threw you over the rainbow
somewhere where only you can go
and i can only wonder?

do you see your Grandma
and do you know your Father?
will the Heavens up above choose to bless me with your Brother?
i know he is your other...
i always sensed his lurking
i now sense your spirit smirking.. ;p

Vylette your dear momma's hurting
can you just fall out from the sky and into my arms
i won't ask no questions if it will cause you any harm

a year soon now i will have been reporting
of all my disenchanted feelings
the lack of skippings and the beatings
of a heart dead drowned and searching
for her daughter every morning
i wake up and i see you in the clouds you send to grace my eyes
i smile as i see you and your drawings
recalling when we said our last goodbyes

i tried and I'm still trying
my darling i hope you see me
im not so picture perfect
but ill always be your Mommy.


i hope you like your birthday
mines soon, I'm almost 30
with not much more to show
but you're all the world should know of me
and what was meant to be
Now you're
an Angel watching over me
a Child for always, endlessly
blessed and heavenly
innocence and purity

Vylette, i wish you a very Happy
First Birthday.

pain

it trickles through me and in me
pulsating and deep
from my head to my feet
above my nose and in my cheeks
lump in my throat
my heart skips 20 beats
right above my knees clenched
and i
can't feel my feet
im in deep
incomplete
and I'm not here at all anymore
the floor has fallen out from under me
and i wish i could just be on the astral plain
instead of enduring an assholes pain
trying to keep busy
but life isn't the same
the road to glory
my drive has been drained
but not to worry ill take all the blame
ill play another game
ill clench my fists and try my
goddamnest not to
slit my wrists
ill coexist
or
contemplate life from a different view
that separates all the me
from the last parts of you.

its been a long while.

the lump in my throat has translated to my fingertips
the lines are broken
my thoughts amiss
the words unspoken that are usually written
are lost and forgotten
the pain focuses inward
im not such a coward I'm just on a mission
my friends unforgiven
for forgetting so easy
left out in the cold  with no message or meaning
when you're lost and you're lonely
and you're running on empty
don't reach out, cuz you left me
and ill never forgive you

the family has joined the bandwagon too
was hoping for a Happy 1st Birthday
to give her
but they shit on me too
don't tell me what hurts me
when I'm  down and I'm thirsty
my cup runneth over with Smitten & Chagrin
Lord, take me back to my real life
and let it begin.
begin.
begin...

long lost and lingering on a feeling
thats just dwindling
im not healing, I'm just hindering
the deep enchanted thought processes
the haunted halls of gauze compresses
the upright walk and rolling winds
if you're taking a step backwards
then never ask me to dance again
is there more to life than this
an awkward pose
a loveless kiss
a mental state of crucifixion
a long life left of
contradiction.
where is your faith love and harmony
i swear to god I'm falling to pieces
from rags to riches
now my riches in bags with tags on them
searching the long road
til i can find the magic found within.
where is my daughter
can you lead me and then
can you heal me and friend
wipe the weeping and get
to feeding my soul
cuz I've lost all control
if i take two more step backwards
it will lead me to my end.

:/

i wanted a child so much today,
but then i wished that thought away...
i wondered why my eyes were not wet
then realized i remembered to forget
the feeling that haunts me deep inside
i am a mom so filled with pride
but when the day is done
and the sun is set
my arms are cold
and my pillow's wet.

i want a little mini me
you know,
the way things were supposed to be...
 my cheeks still can smile
though the world let me down..
but my
heart feels empty
and my spirit frowns...

she's like a RAINBOW.

modeling one of my Endless Love scarves i make for Vylette

You are ALL
The Colours of The 
RAINBOW~
wherever you go,
i go
each time the wind blows

it calls out YOUR NAME.
each day without you
just 
isn't
the
same.

Birthdays are the Worst.

Jerry's bday Last Year + Pie!

i remember this day last year.. the feeling was just the same, full of anticipation of beautiful things to come. except this year there is no beautiful thing to come, to prepare for. there is no Vylette.

Today was Jerry's Birthday. and all i could do was think about last year and how everything used to feel. nothing was perfect, but it wasn't THIS. i always wanted to make a beautiful home made fruit pie with an intricate lattice patterned top and i thought being a Mother was the best time to start.. and on Daddy's Birthday of all days. i remember kneading the dough thinking about all the dreams that would soon come true.. what would she be like? how would we act with her? i bet she would laugh all day long and speak in a really strange witty wordplay language that only we, as her parents, could teach her.

i was so proud of my pie, and so happy to please! Blueberry Peach pie to be exact. and it was so good, and came out beautifully. next up to come out beautiful was my Dearest Vylette. He had a great birthday. my mom gave him presents.. we had balloons. limitless appetizers that i plated in intricate patterns because i popped out of Better Punk Homes n Gardens..



we took pictures with our reflections in his Balloons.. everything echoed happiness...

and now there is today. we had been fighting for a while ever since septemeber started. it seemed to be ok in august but once i saw the number 1, next to september on my phone i knew i was in for some bullshit. an emotional roller coaster of my own, but i forgot to consider the ride he would put me on.  they talk a lot about the men that hold the women up during times of loss. but what, just WHAT, about the fierce women that take all the horrific pain of themselves as well as the pain of the man, who likes to lay it on them at random will? what about her... i.e. Me? can i get a fucking award for that with cherries on top!?!

anyway.. today was so quiet. Jerry seemed really sad, depressed and completely quiet..very unlike him. i know there must be so much going on in his mind right now about Vylette and many other issues going on right now.. its so hard when nothing is right.  i kept mostly to myself. even though we have been fighting very nastily to the point of complete silence and distance.. i wanted to give him a somewhat decent birthday.  i let him do his thing and me and my mom got busy in the kitchen.  she made her secret meatball in gravy recipe and i took care of the mashed pertaters and mac n cheeeeese.

A Jerr sized Platter of Birthday Love from Me 'n' my Momma

Vylette Loves her Daddy <3

i also found him a really nice Balloon that i knew was sent from Vylette to Daddy, that made him smile.  He enjoyed his dinner when it was finally presented to him and pretty much ate it and passed out with the Lil sleepy eyed sheep we often dress up. today she was wearing a shirt that had a Koi fish on it, just like Daddy's tattoo. Vylette was all around, and yet not here at all. that feeling of anticipation was in me.. but all for nothing. there is not going to be a child in late October or November. there is not going to be a beautiful happiness and new beginning for my entire family. there will only be coldness and more sorrow. today was so quiet. i felt me walk around the traces of myself happy and beaming, buzzing around the kitchen last year with my belly full of Vylette.. it felt so surreal to walk around my past self in circles in my mind.. if only i knew then what i knew now. if only Vylette was here and not ripped away from us, leaving us frail empty shells of what we used to be. I can't imagine a day without her.. even though she is technically not here.
i hope You can see us from a far off place tonight, as we cry in our sleep and wish the best for your spirit.. i can see her shedding a tear or to for us, since we cannot hear or see her.. she wants us to know she is there.

sigh.. what will her birthday be like, i only wonder.. my stress levels are so high and the sorrow is deep and endless.. i miss her and i don't know why this all is the way it is.

Why do these women still practice at all?
everyone of the midwives involved no longer work at the center. isn't that curious.

Asya Portnaya works at a new place in a private practice. i wonder if that Doctor knows about what she did, and thinks nothing of it. i wonder if she even gives a shit about what she did, and thinks nothing of it or us.. she has made that perfectly clear.

i feel as though i am trying to move a boulder but all I'm doing is kicking tiny little pebbles. if only there was something more i could do. i am trying to spread the word, but i wish there was something more.

Where are you Vylette, Momma and Daddy really miss you <3

siiiiiiiiiighhhhh

ever get that feeling where your head is going to explode, your ear is throbbing, your eye is twitching, your back is aching and your chest is being crushed?


no?

.....nevermind.

Sundrenched. Sunkissed, thin lips. sky gray. fade bright. away.. away

they say that 

"Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder"

but my eyes, like my arms, are empty

cause i just wish i could hold her.

The Beauty that was here for a Second

Then Ascended to Heaven

theres no day like the present

to wish i could go back in time.

make things right and make Her

 Mine.

I'm fine.

Oh, yeah...

I'm fine.

fuck.

this picture hurts so much.

it represents everything I've lost.

just an etch in time.

a blur in my memory.

i wonder how i feel when I'm much older and i look back on this.

what happened. 

???

:(

sometimes i wonder if it happened at all...

any of it.

waking up to a nightmare i just can't shake off.

blaaahhhh

today just another day
just a waste of hours minutes seconds
until it goes away
then the dark
then the night
stay awake
til its bright
then i lay
and i pray
and i toss
and i turn
and i whisper
and i say

Vyyyylette....






(and just so you know, her name is not Vy-lit, or Vi- Oh-let, no no you see her name it rhymes with MY PET. VYYYY- LETTE!  you aint seen nothin' yet! Vylette.
you have to smile when you say it.)

Vylette Moon Vylette Moon Vylette Moon

your name seems like a dream to me.
something written down on paper,
for only my eyes to see.
just a pretty picture
and a faded memory.
poetry in slow-motion
of things that could never be.

~*Vylette Moon*~

Willow

weep under the willow.
tears ontop of my pillow.
memories are all i have.
dead, though my hearts beating.
sweet,sweet
your lil memory's fleeting
i know, but
i can't help 
disbelieving
that you're not
coming

back.

K9

sobbing quietly in this early morning..it is calm, yet deeply painful. 
humming to the sounds of chimes ringing for her, rhythmically and sweetly.

Vylette turns 9 months today. what a big big girl she would be. but i really have no idea. i feel her slipping away physically. yet mentally completely there.



an image of RAW TRUTH this morning.. just cuz.

9 Months.

"it was 
9 months since i grew you
now its
9 months since i knew you.
instead of coos and cries
i see pretty butterflies
and 
clouds floating in the sky
making shapes as you pass by...
i know
now you're living through me,
but i really wish you knew me."






August 28, 2012.
9 months old. 
Vylette Moon <3 
My Love Always.

though i should wake to hunger cries,

the night is long; it passes by.

if i ring these bells
for the millionth time
will it bring you back?
will it make you mine?

fading. fading. fa

it all seems like its fading.like I'm fading.like you're fading. i cant help but keep creating, so i know days have passed. i seem to have lost the feeling, of your being, of your breathing. the images of you are fleeting, like I'm dreaming and waking fast. i can't get past the mission.i keep fishing, under strict conditions. i don't know if you'll listen but I'm screaming loud and fast. i cannot feel your heartbeat. stand on my feet. feel complete, feel defeat. i see you in a single frame, quickly fading, photograph.

a picture perfect morning.

i woke up and turned to look out of the window.  i always look for a pretty cloud that Vylette sends my way. today there was a cluster of clouds whose negative space made a heart shaped hole leading to the sky. it was lying in its side and in the middle was a perfect V. two thin wisps so perfectly placed. no mistake about it, the V or the heart. i saw this and said "Hi Vylette!"and immediately a bird flew by that seemed to have come right out of my house.. it was flying right for that V. in that same instance a dragonfly buzzed and clackered by, slowed down by its own weight. it was a picture perfect scene.. so very cute and sweet. and after all that instantaneous magic...

SILENCE.

i turned and went back to sleep smiling <3

sick sick sick

I'm feeling sick
im forgetting how to eat
a salad a day makes me feel complete
i do remember how to lay on the floor
and want to abandon all thought and all pain
i wake up each morning and wish
my life wasn't the same.

i feel like I'm stuck in the movie groundhogs day
i can do whatever and say whatever and make whatever
but i always wake up again into the same day
nothing changes
nothings grows
just me and a pile of yarn
the only way i know days have passed
is in the creations that i make
marking the days
marking the moments
of my life, incomplete.

how do my feet still work? i often wonder
how do i function?
lately i feel a breakdown on the horizon
the Fall is drawing near

Vylette would be 1 year
her fate made much more clear
and then the years start to pile on more and more
until I'm frail and old and still missing my precious baby.
but spending allll those years creating beauty in her name
and telling her story of how she was wronged.
these women CANNOT go on.
this center simply CANNOT be.
no real love for women.
no real care for Mommies.

Babies need a louder voice
since they cannot speak for themselves
i will Gladly be one.
----------

i hope they haunt you in your dreams with their Sweet Angelic-ness
something YOU, yes YOU, could never POSESS
a "Midwife" to the masses, but a complete and utter MESS
may your guilt eat you ALIVE. may your misery PROGRESS.

a hand reaching for a hand

searching for some hope

trying to understand

why the days are long

but our time was brief

looking for a reason

to take another breath

huhh huhh huhh...

Detachment Parenting by The Brooklyn Birthing Center.

There is always some detachment when looking at pictures of you, Vylette. i guess it is because i never got to fully feel that you were/are mine. i barely got to hold you, and the one time i did i had to have all of your wires and tubing taped onto my shoulders and neck. they had to wrap you in a blankie to contain all of your tubes and drug drips and monitors so they wouldn't get messed up in my grasp. i never had that skin to skin contact i so desperately wanted.... the whole reason why i went to that center in the first place! natural. pure. the way nature intended. but nature did not intend for someone else's laziness, poor guidance, horrific treatment, and over all disinterest. you should be here with me in my arms now. i shouldn't have to stare endlessly at pictures of you there, and wonder about who you were going to be in my life. my daughter, yes.. but who? and what? and where? and why? and how come? i wish i could learn things about you. your likes. your interests. watch your teeth grow in. hear your coos. your gurgles. give you a sippy cup. i don't even fucking know if you could even use a sippy cup at 9 months old. thats what hurts the most. i do not know what its like to be a Mother. i know what its like to miss my baby.  i know what its like to sleep all day. i know what its like to stay up all night long because i cannot sleep until the sun is up and glaring into my eyeballs, providing me with some form of comfort and warmness so that i may rest.  i feel like i don't know who you are. i have and will always have your memory. yes. but who are you, My Love? who were you going to be?


Even in death you are so important. you inspire so many with your story. you change the way mothers look at and value their children. you provide more kisses and hugs out of nowhere..just cuz. you are powerful and magical and beautiful...i know. but why did you have to leave me? why did you have to go????

---------------------------

.

it seems like everyone is getting engaged or married or pregnant these days. everyone's life is coming together while mine is rapidly falling apart. i am not jealous of other's loves and happiness... no, I'm just wondering how come i am so undeserving of finding a life for myself. i thought Vylette would be my Life. and she still is and will always be.. but it is more of a battle at the moment. and more of a misery. and a loss and a task... i spend most days inside, wishing to go out but so bored with this place that i don't even know where to go. i don't care about going to bars or shows. i used to perform. i used to dress up. i used to do nothing much at all but still it seems like it was a lot more than what i do now. it is very hard to be understood by the people i know. i don't think they'd ever bother to try. you never know how it is until you have your own Angel..i guess. i wish life would find me as i sit here indoors while the summer passes me by on the outside. i spend my days staring at the sky playing cloud games with Vylette.  i honestly don't know what would make me happy right now. i don't want to live here anymore. but my mother is here and she is all that keeps me together these days. i cant afford to leave. and where do i even go? i thought i wanted to live in another state but now i dream of being in a completely different country with different customs and hopefully nicer truer people. but its all a dream, a very hazy one that makes no sense. i have no goal aside from JUSTICE for my daughter.. i sit at home. i read. i learn. i try to create. hopefully these days as a shut-in will lead to future days of creating things id never imagined id make up. maybe one day love will surround me and i will feel free, happy and completely willing to be myself. i am always myself but there is so much more in me that i hold back. one day i hope i can release it. i thought having Vylette would give me the courage to do whatever i wanted. but without  her i feel so small...

8 months and 1 week.

its almost been a full gestation
what is now misery
should be celebration
I'm running low
I'm out of patience
vacant thoughts
 my mind feels ancient
hard to breathe
and
nothing sacred.

Kill My Seed
and
Face The Nation.

tonight, tonight.

some nights hurt worse than the last

some nights i wish would just pass

some nights i cry but i wish i could laugh

I Know that She Died

but i can't do the math.

Sometimes We Fall.

Sometimes We Fall
and we wish we were ashes.

Sometimes we're engulfed in the flames
like a lit box of matches.

Sometimes a river flows until
it has no more to give.

Sometimes we have to pick ourselves up
and
remember how to Live.

Where Are You in Your Grief?

where am i in my grief. in my life long process of loving the girl that i want so much to be in my arms, from afar. 8 months into the future i dreaded, 8 months away from the softness of her skin and the horror of her birth that was ruined by the very people that i hired to guide me. i miss her. a lot. somedays i am manic and happy buzzing about when something goes my way. somedays are bad like the days leading up to her monthly birthdays and the 5 days that follow when i set her free. the stars and the sky look down on me. but sometimes i forget how to shine. trying to be a rock and be strong and be resilient. but its so hard. trying to focus but not certain what to focus on. getting lost in endless hours of intensive crochet. turning my pain into knots of pretty colours dripping with love and sheer frustration. wanting to leave but not knowing where to go. escaping the house only to have panic attacks while i pass people by.. but hold my head high and walk.. keep walking. step after step not sure of the direction I’m going in but happy still know how to move my feet and dress up the way i used to enjoy. coloring my hair. painting my nails when i remember. getting lost with my head literally in the clouds playing games. she shows me pictures and i tell her what i see so she can have a keener eye for next time. staring sometimes a little too deeply at her things around her house.. her frozen breastmilk i pumped for her in the hospital, thats still taking up most of my freezer. i lose it. i cry. i invite the tears sometimes because they don’t come down nearly as much as they used to. i cry now to remember and to feel more to let her know i still care. always thinking of her but not thinking of her enough. scattered thoughts. reckless emotions pouring out into fights, endless fights..sleepless nights. i wish someone could hold me tight but everyone else is busy hurting for themselves.. i can’t tell where this all is going but I’m still trying hard to get there, wherever that is… <3 I Love you with all My Heart Vylette <3

Hearts Aplenty

To all the Angel Babies that we Love & Miss so much.

<3 to all the babies lost but not forgotten<3


through this journey after Vylette, I've met so many Mothers full of so many stories about so many babies lost in many different ways. my heart goes out to all of you.  Heaven must be such a beautiful place if all of our children are up there playing together allowing us to meet each other and find someone to talk to or guide us through our immense loss.  i am so thankful to have met all of you. the only one who understand me. i think of all these babies daily, and this is for them from me and Vylette<3

I thought i lost you

i thought i lost you

until you were found

In All the World's Beauty

and

in the Sweetest of Sounds.

i see you in the trees

in the air

in the sea

on the ground

just open your heart

and your eyes will astound:)

In Heaven~

   ~* What does Heaven look like,  My Baby? *~

    What does Heaven look like, My Love?

    Way up past the Stars that are Shining...

    Way up in the Sky up Above!

    Are there lots of Animals playing,

    In a world of only Pure Love?

    I hear all the Sweet Music Lulling

    Babies asleep on Tufts of Cloud Fluff...

    Can't wait til the day that i see you

  ~*  Cuz days down here surely are rough...*~

In dreams

i want to be loved i want to feel loved i want to curl into a ball and be held for as long as i need. i want to hibernate in a glowing warm pit of love without despair or sadness... arguments yelling or madness. wake me up when i can say I'm finally there. wake me up to my alternate universe where my baby is in my arms and i can go to sleep soundly, if only for moments in between waking up to feed her again and again. let me see you in my dreams.. could you please?

the other night i dreamt i was doing someone else's laundry and never got around to doing it but it was on the back of my mind. the machine loaded like it was an oven..perhaps symbolic of my instincts to nurture and take care of someone else.. but i kept getting distracted. i found some fabric on a table and when i lifted it up the whole thing opened up as if a breeze was in the room and displayed this beautiful enormous rainbow lightweight fabric.. it filled the room and i danced with it a bit, enjoying everything about it. suddenly i realized alot of people i knew were there watching me. they all came up to me saying, jackie you are so creative and talented,  i love everything you do. so many positive things were said all with one flay of the fabric. it was magic. but i became embarrassed of all the attention.
i walked around and saw piles of clothing and toys and a place on a stairway with my pillow on it because id slept there the night before. i looked down and there was a stuffed lamb that had a glowing heart. i knew it was you Vylette. i knew the scarf itself and all the colors in it was you. thank you for letting Momma know how good she is when all i ever hear lately are negative things that drag me down in the mud. you sweet Angel Girl on your puffy soft cotton candy clouds. send me another dream my love, i could use it.

JUSTICE FOR VYLETTE

is money all we get?

and licenses removed,

when i fight you nail and tooth?

a jail cell is more like it,yet

with walls hard cold and wet.

can you live in hell like me?

with a broken family?

can you toss and turn in sleep?

wake to food you can hardly eat..

can i make your lives incomplete?

when i finally DEFEAT

How long was it after your loved ones death did the "rawness" go away and every second wasn't unbearable anymore?

this is a beautiful question that "Grief Journeys" group on Facebook just posted. 

The answer to this keeps echoing in my mind a lot lately. i am so thankful to come as far as have in the past almost 8 months since i had to set Vylette free, though times are extremely rough. at first it was so RAW and jagged and i felt like there was an anvil on my head. this overwhelming cloud of doom was always there..no matter what laughter covered it up for a short moment. id feel something strange and think why do i feel... oh wait THATS WHY. 

but slowly it became easier to face the days. and i didn't just stare at the clouds rolling by from day to night searching for answers or a glimpse of Her. taking an extremely last minute month long journey cross country in May and ending up randomly in my favorite place San Francisco restored something in me that was missing for a long time. i started to feel my creative colorful spirit creep back into me again. day by day. piece by piece. being there seemed like magic especially when i ended up there on Mother's Day of all days. i think seeing all the beautiful signs my daughter gives me and being open to receiving them has allowed me to heal in some small way. she is amazing. i am so thankful for that.

I've been working on a crochet one-of-a-kind colorful multi-patterned scarves lately inspired by My love for Vylette and the Love all Mothers have for their lost babies. for those who'd like to wear their hearts on their sleeve..or in this case around your neck:) !

at one point early when i started to feel ok i doubted myself thinking i shouldn't be allowed to feel good. i should cry constantly and long and hard til puffy eyed and til all my breath is lost. so i tried hard to go back into deeply hidden emotional memories of her in the hospital and the pain of coming to an eerily lifeless empty home days later. doing that put me in bed for nearly 2 weeks sick and crying and miserable. i decided to never do that again and allow myself to heal and allow her to help me in the special ways she does. ♥

~Baby Mine.~

one of my favorite songs since i was a little girl...
==================================
Baby mine, don't you cry. 
Baby mine, dry your eyes. 
Rest your head close to my heart, 
Never to part, 
Baby of mine. 

Little one when you play, 
Don't you mind what they say. 
Let those eyes sparkle and shine, 
Never a tear, 
Baby of mine. 

If they knew sweet little you, 
They'd end up loving you too. 
All those same people who scold you 
What they'd give just for the right to hold you. 

From your head down to your toes, 
You're not much, goodness knows. 
But you're so precious to me, 
Sweet as can be, 
Baby of mine.