POLKA DOT CAKE! BAKE ALONG - Tutorial for Vylette Moon's Hello Kitty Polka Dotted Happy 2nd Birthday PARTY!!!

For Vylette's 2nd Birthday

we're gonna try something fun and new!

last year we all baked Rainbow Cake to celebrate

:::THIS YEAR:::

We're gonna make a Polka Dot CAKE, a Polka Dot CAKE!!!

this cake is based off of a cake created from the blog of 

Once Upon a Pedestal

i found a few easier ways to create this cake if you dont have a cake pop maker or a special pan.

on Beki Cooks Cakes Blog 

she describes different ways you can attempt to make this cake

she lists a few as failed attempts but they all look cool!

its all fun and theres no wrong way to do it! 

consider it  a new fun baking adventure & learning experience for you and your family!!!

<3 Vylette encourages Creativity of ALL KINDS <3

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for Vegan Polka Dot cake we will need:

Chocolate Cake mix & Dark Chocolate Frosting

Strawberry Cake mix & Strawberry Frosting

1 cup Apple Sauce total

2 tbsp of Cornstarch total

2/3 cup Canola/Vegetable oil total

a mini cupcake pan

or

a cake pop maker

or 

a small round cookie cutter

Replace 3 eggs with 1/2 cup Apple Sauce + 1tbsp Cornstarch

Replace 1cup water with 3/4 cup water

1/3 cup of oil remains the same

mix up the first batter 

bake half the mixture into cake pops/ mini cupcakes/ or bake the entire cake and cut out circles with a cookie cutter. if that gets confusing please refer to

 Beki cooks cakes blog for help!

make and mix batter #2 like batter #1

PREHEAT OVEN TO 350*

 oil and flour a cake pan.

pour a small amount of batter #2 on the bottom of the pan 

arrange cake balls/ mini muffins on their sides/ or circle cake cut outs on there sides ontop of the batter

pour more batter ontop of the balls until covered, leaving room for cake to rise in pan

place in Preheated oven at 350*

 bake cake a little longer than box directions. 

remove cake from oven when toothpick inserted into the center of the cake comes out clean.

repeat the process allover again, but make the opposite color of cake balls and batter!

place the balls/mini cupcakes/circle cut outs into different positions than the first cake.

bake agaaaaaain. take out when toothpick inserted into center of cake comes out CLEAN.

frost and ice however youd like!!! pink frosting on the chocolate cake and chocolate frosting on the pink!

you can do whatever you want. however you interpret this all

WHAT EVER YOU THINK!!!

the more creative THE BETTER!!!

i topped my practice cake in Fondant because i plan to make her a two tiered Hello Kitty Birthday cake! i am not sure why this pattern or these colors but they were cheery and bright.

The Outside!!! <3

The Inside!

your turn now.
!!!GOOOOOOD LUCK!!!

a note to those who would never ever understand the pain of being an Angel Parent.

call us sick. call us what you want. call us crazy. but this is our love. undying, unending, unwinding down to the last thread until there is no more. we are Angel Parents now and forever. there is no end. get used to it, or fuck off.

this is the twilight zone

This was the longest most drawn out non existant summer of my life. I cant say ive done much. Its been so depressing. With every new season a new pain.. What would she be like? What would she and say? What games would we play? What songs would we sing? There is a part of me that can almost see all the happiness on the other side of the mirror in the real world in which we are truly happy. Im stuck in an alternate reality.. falling like a meteor awaiting the crash and burn. The Twilight Zone marathon was playing on the day i was so merrily putting together Vylette's Sugar plum themed purple swing...something i looked most forward to seeing her in. My nephew always loved his swing as a baby. I planned to see many happy memories in hers. But somehow i entered into the twilight zone, with the midwives from hell. 

This year Vylette's Birthday IS thanksgiving. The holiday they decided was more important than my baby and me. It wasnt even thanksgiving day.. We were so happy then, awaiting our child in just a few short days or moments after. My plug had fallen out that day. I was just waiting waiting waiting sitting pretty and so happy.  They just wanted one more day of vacation. Sunday night. They didnt have enough time off.. and now their gluttony and selfishness took her life away and altered mine forever. 

Nothing is the same. They say the next year will be better but it hasnt been. It has been long and winding. Rough and rigid. Motion sickness inducing chaotic misery. I have a loved & adored but missing Baby, tattered and charred relationship with so many pieces broken and missing that no one could quite put us back together again, and then theres me. What is there to me at all? Im surviving off of the love i have for Vylette and thats it. Thats all. But its so much and it is endless.. So somehow i can function, just minimally. ravaged by the rocks and waves. Trying to stay afloat upon the ebb and flow of tides in a sea of ash. Tsunami washed over me taking all i have. Trying to rebuild everything from scratch. dont know which direction to float or go....Wading..Just waiting.. Watching... Not stopping. My energy is dropping but my Soul is in it for the long haul.

~Spring has Sprung~

~Spring has Sprung~

its my very favorite Season,

though i've hardly seen a thing.

i haven't really ventured out

and haven't had a song to sing.

Vylette showed me all the Beauty,

but now i feel the STING.

what a pity,

its my duty

to let the bells of

JUSTICE

R I N G.

The Urge. - March 24, 2013

I want to take you

to

A MERRY-GO-ROUND

today

I wish those EVIL

careless

"women"

didnt have to 

make you go away.

there are not enough 

words left inside 

of me

to say

it really never

should have

ended up this way.

Id' hold you on the Horsies

as they'd go 

UP & DOWN

I'd clean up your tears

and the ice cream on 

your gown

I'd make you laugh

and smile

as we'd 

spin

Round & Round.

and rock you deep 

to sleep

as the sun is

setting 

down.

<3

Mommy

12. 21. 12.

so interesting to be around on the date they said for years would be the supposed "end of the world" 

my world ended late last year. losing your child, especially due to the dirty misleading hands of someone else, is the apocalypse and you pretty much have to see whats left of you , pick up the pieces and wonder wtf is coming next...

i could only wish today was the last day, it would make everything easier. id embrace it. I'm waiting.


when i realized i was pregnant, i said to myself "the world can't be ending. I'm blessed with a baby" something i for some reason though to be impossible. not by any medical issues whatsoever.. but just the idea was beyond me... how could i be blessed withs something so perfect and beautiful? i have always had bad luck and end up in shitty situations. but no! clearly the world was here to stay and great things were about to happen in my life. 2012 would be the mark of a great year and a notable time in my life... watching my child grow during her first year on this earth. no wonder they wrote about it so many moons ago. they were talking about my Vylette.


but  now post apocalypse in a world without Vylette.. perhaps she is part of that new consciousness that will supposedly take over the world. she has already made her mark on this world. one of love and positivity. i just wish she was here, so we could smile and be happy and look forward to 2013, another beautiful year in the life of our budding Vylette flower. maybe then i could manage to get out of bed and do something with myself.. as time drags on i find less and less reason to wake or even move.  i don't think i left my house in a month, aside from going to the store 2 blocks away.  i feel with all my being that she should be here and we should be enjoying her every moment. crying when she cries.. and laughing when we see the spark and joy dancing in her pretty eyes. 

the end of the world has come and gone... and all i am left with is a box on a shelf.

Where Are You in Your Grief?

where am i in my grief. in my life long process of loving the girl that i want so much to be in my arms, from afar. 8 months into the future i dreaded, 8 months away from the softness of her skin and the horror of her birth that was ruined by the very people that i hired to guide me. i miss her. a lot. somedays i am manic and happy buzzing about when something goes my way. somedays are bad like the days leading up to her monthly birthdays and the 5 days that follow when i set her free. the stars and the sky look down on me. but sometimes i forget how to shine. trying to be a rock and be strong and be resilient. but its so hard. trying to focus but not certain what to focus on. getting lost in endless hours of intensive crochet. turning my pain into knots of pretty colours dripping with love and sheer frustration. wanting to leave but not knowing where to go. escaping the house only to have panic attacks while i pass people by.. but hold my head high and walk.. keep walking. step after step not sure of the direction I’m going in but happy still know how to move my feet and dress up the way i used to enjoy. coloring my hair. painting my nails when i remember. getting lost with my head literally in the clouds playing games. she shows me pictures and i tell her what i see so she can have a keener eye for next time. staring sometimes a little too deeply at her things around her house.. her frozen breastmilk i pumped for her in the hospital, thats still taking up most of my freezer. i lose it. i cry. i invite the tears sometimes because they don’t come down nearly as much as they used to. i cry now to remember and to feel more to let her know i still care. always thinking of her but not thinking of her enough. scattered thoughts. reckless emotions pouring out into fights, endless fights..sleepless nights. i wish someone could hold me tight but everyone else is busy hurting for themselves.. i can’t tell where this all is going but I’m still trying hard to get there, wherever that is… <3 I Love you with all My Heart Vylette <3

Hearts Aplenty

JUSTICE FOR VYLETTE

is money all we get?

and licenses removed,

when i fight you nail and tooth?

a jail cell is more like it,yet

with walls hard cold and wet.

can you live in hell like me?

with a broken family?

can you toss and turn in sleep?

wake to food you can hardly eat..

can i make your lives incomplete?

when i finally DEFEAT

How long was it after your loved ones death did the "rawness" go away and every second wasn't unbearable anymore?

this is a beautiful question that "Grief Journeys" group on Facebook just posted. 

The answer to this keeps echoing in my mind a lot lately. i am so thankful to come as far as have in the past almost 8 months since i had to set Vylette free, though times are extremely rough. at first it was so RAW and jagged and i felt like there was an anvil on my head. this overwhelming cloud of doom was always there..no matter what laughter covered it up for a short moment. id feel something strange and think why do i feel... oh wait THATS WHY. 

but slowly it became easier to face the days. and i didn't just stare at the clouds rolling by from day to night searching for answers or a glimpse of Her. taking an extremely last minute month long journey cross country in May and ending up randomly in my favorite place San Francisco restored something in me that was missing for a long time. i started to feel my creative colorful spirit creep back into me again. day by day. piece by piece. being there seemed like magic especially when i ended up there on Mother's Day of all days. i think seeing all the beautiful signs my daughter gives me and being open to receiving them has allowed me to heal in some small way. she is amazing. i am so thankful for that.

I've been working on a crochet one-of-a-kind colorful multi-patterned scarves lately inspired by My love for Vylette and the Love all Mothers have for their lost babies. for those who'd like to wear their hearts on their sleeve..or in this case around your neck:) !

at one point early when i started to feel ok i doubted myself thinking i shouldn't be allowed to feel good. i should cry constantly and long and hard til puffy eyed and til all my breath is lost. so i tried hard to go back into deeply hidden emotional memories of her in the hospital and the pain of coming to an eerily lifeless empty home days later. doing that put me in bed for nearly 2 weeks sick and crying and miserable. i decided to never do that again and allow myself to heal and allow her to help me in the special ways she does. ♥

My Baby Died.

my baby died

and i cried
and i tried
to preserve her memory.

my baby died

i don't know why

her days on Earth

will never be.

i for an i

i miss those days
when i carried you
and when he'd still say
"i want to Marry you!"
but those days are long gone
and far behind.

i lack those times
that will never be
like reading you books
and hearing the word "Mommy"

Lord help me if THIS
will be the Death of Me
i should just move on
and hope for
an Eye
for an Eye.

*(((In Rainbows)))*

i went to this art event at Tompkins the other week. didn't plan on it but i ended up there and lucky enough for me there was open canvas space.  i wanted to make something for Vylette.

@Tompkins Square Park - HOWL Festival/Art around the Park event.

what i was thinking of and singing and feeling when i made it is worth more than just the visual alone.

It is, after all, just a Rainbow Heart. but the love and songs and memories i put into it are real.

i made it for the kiddies passing by, just a last minute thought to brighten the area!

i ended up poking holes in difft spots and putting difft colored yarn drips hanginging allover it.

Here is the finished painting before i added the yarn.

..A Mother's Love..

 so many lil kids were like.. look look a heart! a rainbow! i love it! 

one girl told me "this inspires me:)"

or people said "i like the way this makes me feel, i love your heart"

JUSTICE FOR VYLETTE!


 so it made me so happy to hear parents asking their kids or kids asking their parents to try and make this at home. i suggested using fingerprints to blend in between the colors and have more fun doing it. It makes me smile to know i inspired an art project between parents and kids, with something simple they can make at home. i had the chance to tell a few about why i painted it and Vylette's story. but i knew my love for her would echo through anyone who admired it. story, or not. 

 ------

so that was my painting for Vylette! and on June 7th Vylette made a painting for her Momma, right outside my window. 

i was having a bad day.  things aren't going too well lately but i looked up from the computer and right outside my window was this huge beautiful rainbow. i have never seen one like this before.  i could see where it was coming from and where it was going. the end of it was right by a church up the street where my Mom and I leave donations and offerings for & in the name of Vylette.

you can't tell here but the Arc of the Rainbow was about 3 Rainbows thick.  i know it was a gift and it brightened up my day as well as the sky.

I Love You Vylette<3

JUSTICE FOR VYLETTE!!!!!

here are a couple of visual essays showing what happened to my beautiful daughter, 

~*Vylette Moon*~

gone too soon!   

11.28.11 - 12.03.11

Her life was wrongfully taken  by the disgusting negligence of midwifes Asya Portnaya and Yuliya Milshteyn & doula London King of 

The Brooklyn Birthing Center, in NYC. 

My mission is to get JUSTICE for VYLETTE. to never allow these 'midwives' to be anywhere near precious new life and pregnant women & to have this careless center SHUT DOWN.

thanks to Megan for making these videos in memory of her!

VYLETTE's STORY

my absolutely perfect baby from my perfect pregnancy died directly due to the severe negligence of my midwives ASYA PORTNAYA & YULIYA MILSHTEYN of The Brooklyn Birthing Center (http://www.brooklynbirthingcenter.com/ ). also doula London King ( http://www.pushlove.com/ ). 

they delayed me for hours so much so that my baby was trapped in my birth canal and suffered lack of oxygen to her brain. they did not believe me when i told them my contractions were 2 min apart for HOURS. my doula was paid specifically doc one to my house to monitor me and tell me when to go in. but she failed me as well. they told me i was fine not in enough pain to go in. they said i could still talk so i wasn't in pain. i told them i was vomiting. they said no need for concern. 

it was thanksgiving weekend and no one wanted to break their vacation to deal with me. i wanted the most natural spiritual birth i could give my child but instead got the complete opposite. finally i told them i was coming in. i arrived fully dilated pushed for an hour. she broke my water and noticed meconium from distress. baby wanted to come out for hours but because of the delay she was panicking inside of me. there was definitely a good heartbeat. they made me stop pushing for 15 minutes! made me walk when i could feel her head between my legs even made me walk down the stairs instead of letting the EMTs put me on a stretcher! i listened cuz i was freaking out and had to trust them.. 

i arrived at the hospital and finally got to push. it was so hard to work against my own body.. sometimes i pushed cuz i couldn't hold it.. i wish i would have just pushed her out. shed be ok. i get to the hospitals and they're screaming at me to push saying I'm not working hard enough.. i struggle and scream.. the midwife spreads me open with two hands. no warning. i start screaming. a woman i don't know runs in the room and sticks her hand in too so i have 4 hands plying my pussy open. I'm groaning wildly... finally they cut me vagina open like they should have long ago and baby flies out stiff. no cries. gray complexion. no cries. they smash my stomach brutally to get the placenta out. i screaming.. 12 doctors swarm around baby trying to get her heart to start.. she's rushed out of the room. i feel like death. I'm freaking. I'm sent to my room.. i finally get to see her. its bad. she looks like she's sedated but she just isn't moving. they resuscitated her and she's on a ventilator. she's hooked up to 12 machines in a huge room of her own.. the rest of the babies in the NICU are in another room. every orifice has a wire a tube a needle in it. they poke and prod her every 30 min to adjust her glucose. machines administer drugs to keep her heart rate up.. they keep her on a special cooling table that lowers her body temp to slow down her metabolism for three days. after 3 days they do a brain scan. zero brain activity. 

i had a perfect pregnancy did everything right. all her tests and mine perfect. they killed her. they took away her spark. she had tiny movements that improved over a few days so we thought there may be hope. after the brain scan i had to decide when to turn the machines off. i saw that her body and soul were finally at peace. i knew it was time. she was so beautiful, so perfect that doctors cried when they saw her. the priest cried. they could all see how rosy pink her skin was.. how supple her soil, how pretty her features.. they were so sad. the nurses would dress her up in little accessories. 

her name is Vylette Moon and though she was here for such a short time she was very loved by all who saw her. except the midwives.. they never spoke to me again. stopped all contact and ran me in circles when i tried to obtain my medical records they are evil.

i was supposed to birth at the Brooklyn birthing centerthe midwives were ASYA PORTNAYA and YULIYA MILSHTEYN. i believe they are currently still delivering babies. it makes me so sick. i had to watch my child die in my arms. she would be 2 months and 1 week right now. 

my house is full of things i so carefully selected and requested for her. I'm so devastated and will always be. my boyfriend and i dont get along very well now, we're so far apart and at times, i feel so completely alone. its been very hard but i am strong.. or at least i try to be. its all been doctors, lawyers, paperwork, funeral homes, collecting her remains.. etc. all by myself. its so hard. it gets worse every day i feel deeper and deeper agony of not having her.. everything is hell. my family is devastated. ughhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

please visit my Facebook page JUSTICE FOR VYLETTE. read the story and view the photo albums. see what i had to live. LIKE and SHARE it with as many people as you can. Help give Vylette the voice she was not allowed to have! please raise awareness. i don't want this to ever happen to anyone else ever again! after this happened they washed their hands of me, said it was all in the hospital's hands now and never offered me any type of grievance or support. https://www.facebook.com/pages/Justice-for-Vylette/304080562960839