Midnight Moon

December's Full Cold Moon

~*  Magical Moon set out to great me  *~ 

when all the world seems to defeat me 

"Not so fast!" she whispers, spritely 

tip-toeing into my window nightly

Winter's chill and icy sidewalks

on long lasting, lonely, night walks

The Slippery Sanctuary temporarily connecting me 

to the Celestial Hierarchy that is my 

Devastatingly Gorgeous and Not-So-Far-Gone Fairy

Radiating warmth to me on Silvery Stranded beams

Ensuring and revealing opalescent tear-streaming 

D       R       E       A       M      S

Summer's End.

Why did you KILL 

M Y   B E A U T Y

my one and only

 T  R  U  L  Y

    -      -     -

forever cursed

and cast into

eternal damnation

for ruining my 

most sweetest

and finest

C R E A T I O N.

there is no amount or representation

that could set you free

from your SINS.

i will fight you til the very end.

~Eye in the SKY~

I hope you

can feel

MY LOVE,

My Love...

from down here,

sent up above.

The Moon Floats

in the Sky

So High!

Oh, Can You Hear

My Lullaby?

and

Can You Reach Out

a helping hand,

to brush off the tears

My eyes doth 

descend?

12. 21. 12.

so interesting to be around on the date they said for years would be the supposed "end of the world" 

my world ended late last year. losing your child, especially due to the dirty misleading hands of someone else, is the apocalypse and you pretty much have to see whats left of you , pick up the pieces and wonder wtf is coming next...

i could only wish today was the last day, it would make everything easier. id embrace it. I'm waiting.


when i realized i was pregnant, i said to myself "the world can't be ending. I'm blessed with a baby" something i for some reason though to be impossible. not by any medical issues whatsoever.. but just the idea was beyond me... how could i be blessed withs something so perfect and beautiful? i have always had bad luck and end up in shitty situations. but no! clearly the world was here to stay and great things were about to happen in my life. 2012 would be the mark of a great year and a notable time in my life... watching my child grow during her first year on this earth. no wonder they wrote about it so many moons ago. they were talking about my Vylette.


but  now post apocalypse in a world without Vylette.. perhaps she is part of that new consciousness that will supposedly take over the world. she has already made her mark on this world. one of love and positivity. i just wish she was here, so we could smile and be happy and look forward to 2013, another beautiful year in the life of our budding Vylette flower. maybe then i could manage to get out of bed and do something with myself.. as time drags on i find less and less reason to wake or even move.  i don't think i left my house in a month, aside from going to the store 2 blocks away.  i feel with all my being that she should be here and we should be enjoying her every moment. crying when she cries.. and laughing when we see the spark and joy dancing in her pretty eyes. 

the end of the world has come and gone... and all i am left with is a box on a shelf.

:/

i wanted a child so much today,
but then i wished that thought away...
i wondered why my eyes were not wet
then realized i remembered to forget
the feeling that haunts me deep inside
i am a mom so filled with pride
but when the day is done
and the sun is set
my arms are cold
and my pillow's wet.

i want a little mini me
you know,
the way things were supposed to be...
 my cheeks still can smile
though the world let me down..
but my
heart feels empty
and my spirit frowns...

9 Months.

"it was 
9 months since i grew you
now its
9 months since i knew you.
instead of coos and cries
i see pretty butterflies
and 
clouds floating in the sky
making shapes as you pass by...
i know
now you're living through me,
but i really wish you knew me."






August 28, 2012.
9 months old. 
Vylette Moon <3 
My Love Always.

sick sick sick

I'm feeling sick
im forgetting how to eat
a salad a day makes me feel complete
i do remember how to lay on the floor
and want to abandon all thought and all pain
i wake up each morning and wish
my life wasn't the same.

i feel like I'm stuck in the movie groundhogs day
i can do whatever and say whatever and make whatever
but i always wake up again into the same day
nothing changes
nothings grows
just me and a pile of yarn
the only way i know days have passed
is in the creations that i make
marking the days
marking the moments
of my life, incomplete.

how do my feet still work? i often wonder
how do i function?
lately i feel a breakdown on the horizon
the Fall is drawing near

Vylette would be 1 year
her fate made much more clear
and then the years start to pile on more and more
until I'm frail and old and still missing my precious baby.
but spending allll those years creating beauty in her name
and telling her story of how she was wronged.
these women CANNOT go on.
this center simply CANNOT be.
no real love for women.
no real care for Mommies.

Babies need a louder voice
since they cannot speak for themselves
i will Gladly be one.
----------

i hope they haunt you in your dreams with their Sweet Angelic-ness
something YOU, yes YOU, could never POSESS
a "Midwife" to the masses, but a complete and utter MESS
may your guilt eat you ALIVE. may your misery PROGRESS.

tonight, tonight.

some nights hurt worse than the last

some nights i wish would just pass

some nights i cry but i wish i could laugh

I Know that She Died

but i can't do the math.

Sometimes We Fall.

Sometimes We Fall
and we wish we were ashes.

Sometimes we're engulfed in the flames
like a lit box of matches.

Sometimes a river flows until
it has no more to give.

Sometimes we have to pick ourselves up
and
remember how to Live.

Where Are You in Your Grief?

where am i in my grief. in my life long process of loving the girl that i want so much to be in my arms, from afar. 8 months into the future i dreaded, 8 months away from the softness of her skin and the horror of her birth that was ruined by the very people that i hired to guide me. i miss her. a lot. somedays i am manic and happy buzzing about when something goes my way. somedays are bad like the days leading up to her monthly birthdays and the 5 days that follow when i set her free. the stars and the sky look down on me. but sometimes i forget how to shine. trying to be a rock and be strong and be resilient. but its so hard. trying to focus but not certain what to focus on. getting lost in endless hours of intensive crochet. turning my pain into knots of pretty colours dripping with love and sheer frustration. wanting to leave but not knowing where to go. escaping the house only to have panic attacks while i pass people by.. but hold my head high and walk.. keep walking. step after step not sure of the direction I’m going in but happy still know how to move my feet and dress up the way i used to enjoy. coloring my hair. painting my nails when i remember. getting lost with my head literally in the clouds playing games. she shows me pictures and i tell her what i see so she can have a keener eye for next time. staring sometimes a little too deeply at her things around her house.. her frozen breastmilk i pumped for her in the hospital, thats still taking up most of my freezer. i lose it. i cry. i invite the tears sometimes because they don’t come down nearly as much as they used to. i cry now to remember and to feel more to let her know i still care. always thinking of her but not thinking of her enough. scattered thoughts. reckless emotions pouring out into fights, endless fights..sleepless nights. i wish someone could hold me tight but everyone else is busy hurting for themselves.. i can’t tell where this all is going but I’m still trying hard to get there, wherever that is… <3 I Love you with all My Heart Vylette <3

Hearts Aplenty

To all the Angel Babies that we Love & Miss so much.

<3 to all the babies lost but not forgotten<3


through this journey after Vylette, I've met so many Mothers full of so many stories about so many babies lost in many different ways. my heart goes out to all of you.  Heaven must be such a beautiful place if all of our children are up there playing together allowing us to meet each other and find someone to talk to or guide us through our immense loss.  i am so thankful to have met all of you. the only one who understand me. i think of all these babies daily, and this is for them from me and Vylette<3

I thought i lost you

i thought i lost you

until you were found

In All the World's Beauty

and

in the Sweetest of Sounds.

i see you in the trees

in the air

in the sea

on the ground

just open your heart

and your eyes will astound:)

In Heaven~

   ~* What does Heaven look like,  My Baby? *~

    What does Heaven look like, My Love?

    Way up past the Stars that are Shining...

    Way up in the Sky up Above!

    Are there lots of Animals playing,

    In a world of only Pure Love?

    I hear all the Sweet Music Lulling

    Babies asleep on Tufts of Cloud Fluff...

    Can't wait til the day that i see you

  ~*  Cuz days down here surely are rough...*~

In dreams

i want to be loved i want to feel loved i want to curl into a ball and be held for as long as i need. i want to hibernate in a glowing warm pit of love without despair or sadness... arguments yelling or madness. wake me up when i can say I'm finally there. wake me up to my alternate universe where my baby is in my arms and i can go to sleep soundly, if only for moments in between waking up to feed her again and again. let me see you in my dreams.. could you please?

the other night i dreamt i was doing someone else's laundry and never got around to doing it but it was on the back of my mind. the machine loaded like it was an oven..perhaps symbolic of my instincts to nurture and take care of someone else.. but i kept getting distracted. i found some fabric on a table and when i lifted it up the whole thing opened up as if a breeze was in the room and displayed this beautiful enormous rainbow lightweight fabric.. it filled the room and i danced with it a bit, enjoying everything about it. suddenly i realized alot of people i knew were there watching me. they all came up to me saying, jackie you are so creative and talented,  i love everything you do. so many positive things were said all with one flay of the fabric. it was magic. but i became embarrassed of all the attention.
i walked around and saw piles of clothing and toys and a place on a stairway with my pillow on it because id slept there the night before. i looked down and there was a stuffed lamb that had a glowing heart. i knew it was you Vylette. i knew the scarf itself and all the colors in it was you. thank you for letting Momma know how good she is when all i ever hear lately are negative things that drag me down in the mud. you sweet Angel Girl on your puffy soft cotton candy clouds. send me another dream my love, i could use it.

How long was it after your loved ones death did the "rawness" go away and every second wasn't unbearable anymore?

this is a beautiful question that "Grief Journeys" group on Facebook just posted. 

The answer to this keeps echoing in my mind a lot lately. i am so thankful to come as far as have in the past almost 8 months since i had to set Vylette free, though times are extremely rough. at first it was so RAW and jagged and i felt like there was an anvil on my head. this overwhelming cloud of doom was always there..no matter what laughter covered it up for a short moment. id feel something strange and think why do i feel... oh wait THATS WHY. 

but slowly it became easier to face the days. and i didn't just stare at the clouds rolling by from day to night searching for answers or a glimpse of Her. taking an extremely last minute month long journey cross country in May and ending up randomly in my favorite place San Francisco restored something in me that was missing for a long time. i started to feel my creative colorful spirit creep back into me again. day by day. piece by piece. being there seemed like magic especially when i ended up there on Mother's Day of all days. i think seeing all the beautiful signs my daughter gives me and being open to receiving them has allowed me to heal in some small way. she is amazing. i am so thankful for that.

I've been working on a crochet one-of-a-kind colorful multi-patterned scarves lately inspired by My love for Vylette and the Love all Mothers have for their lost babies. for those who'd like to wear their hearts on their sleeve..or in this case around your neck:) !

at one point early when i started to feel ok i doubted myself thinking i shouldn't be allowed to feel good. i should cry constantly and long and hard til puffy eyed and til all my breath is lost. so i tried hard to go back into deeply hidden emotional memories of her in the hospital and the pain of coming to an eerily lifeless empty home days later. doing that put me in bed for nearly 2 weeks sick and crying and miserable. i decided to never do that again and allow myself to heal and allow her to help me in the special ways she does. ♥

~Baby Mine.~

one of my favorite songs since i was a little girl...
==================================
Baby mine, don't you cry. 
Baby mine, dry your eyes. 
Rest your head close to my heart, 
Never to part, 
Baby of mine. 

Little one when you play, 
Don't you mind what they say. 
Let those eyes sparkle and shine, 
Never a tear, 
Baby of mine. 

If they knew sweet little you, 
They'd end up loving you too. 
All those same people who scold you 
What they'd give just for the right to hold you. 

From your head down to your toes, 
You're not much, goodness knows. 
But you're so precious to me, 
Sweet as can be, 
Baby of mine. 

my life

where am i going?

what am i doing?

how did i get here?

and how the hell can i get OUT!?!

the days are...
monotonous repetitive  i think i need a sedative can i get out how do i get back in still waiting for my life to begin when the wind blows the bow does break forever waiting for the day when things start making sense again so let me sleep now and wake me then.

*(((In Rainbows)))*

i went to this art event at Tompkins the other week. didn't plan on it but i ended up there and lucky enough for me there was open canvas space.  i wanted to make something for Vylette.

@Tompkins Square Park - HOWL Festival/Art around the Park event.

what i was thinking of and singing and feeling when i made it is worth more than just the visual alone.

It is, after all, just a Rainbow Heart. but the love and songs and memories i put into it are real.

i made it for the kiddies passing by, just a last minute thought to brighten the area!

i ended up poking holes in difft spots and putting difft colored yarn drips hanginging allover it.

Here is the finished painting before i added the yarn.

..A Mother's Love..

 so many lil kids were like.. look look a heart! a rainbow! i love it! 

one girl told me "this inspires me:)"

or people said "i like the way this makes me feel, i love your heart"

JUSTICE FOR VYLETTE!


 so it made me so happy to hear parents asking their kids or kids asking their parents to try and make this at home. i suggested using fingerprints to blend in between the colors and have more fun doing it. It makes me smile to know i inspired an art project between parents and kids, with something simple they can make at home. i had the chance to tell a few about why i painted it and Vylette's story. but i knew my love for her would echo through anyone who admired it. story, or not. 

 ------

so that was my painting for Vylette! and on June 7th Vylette made a painting for her Momma, right outside my window. 

i was having a bad day.  things aren't going too well lately but i looked up from the computer and right outside my window was this huge beautiful rainbow. i have never seen one like this before.  i could see where it was coming from and where it was going. the end of it was right by a church up the street where my Mom and I leave donations and offerings for & in the name of Vylette.

you can't tell here but the Arc of the Rainbow was about 3 Rainbows thick.  i know it was a gift and it brightened up my day as well as the sky.

I Love You Vylette<3

6 Months, 2 Weeks and a Moment

~*~

I cannot believe 6 Months have passed

since I have seen my Daughter last. 

If only I could spend a day or two,

to do the things that Mothers do...

But we have a special bond, you see

that you can't read in books or

watch on tv.

So even though my child has passed,

Her Memory, in me

will always Last.

Thank You for Everything!

Momma always Loves You

Happy 6 Month Birthday

~*Vylette Moon*~

Wed. 2:14am

day turns into day
turns into night...
turns into day.

turning to the internet
to make it go away.

i can't sleep
i can't weep
i can't eat
and
i can't pray.

Why'd it have to be
This Way?

Eyes & Ashes.

i saw my baby's eyes in a hazy dream last night.
she was not fussing or crying, just staring back into mine.
but i lost it so quickly..
i kept waking up to any sound because my cats jump around
on Vylette's shelf where i have all her toys displayed, crochet flowers,
Her Ashes..
they like to sniff and chew the flowers by her box of Earthly Memories,
the time that she spent here with me...
but when they jump off everything scatters, and once her box fell.
i am on guard all night. waking up to the slightest sound.
must be a mother's instinct. to wake to the sound of a cry; ill never hear.

last night i had a dream i lost her memories. Her box fell on the floor.
the edges were bent and it opened up. i could feel little particles allover my fingers.
were these her ashes? on my hands? with her box all in tatters?
i was looking for my cat who did this, but more in horror that what i have left of her was ruined.

this tends to be a common theme in my dreams of the past near 5 months.
Her Ashes exposed and ruined.. the bag inside rips and i can see what became of her beautiful perfect body.  her ashes looked like soil and they spilled out everywhere. there were so much of them.
i couldn't stop it.

Eyes & Ashes
those pretty eyelashes
turned to dust...