fading. fading. fa

it all seems like its fading.like I'm fading.like you're fading. i cant help but keep creating, so i know days have passed. i seem to have lost the feeling, of your being, of your breathing. the images of you are fleeting, like I'm dreaming and waking fast. i can't get past the mission.i keep fishing, under strict conditions. i don't know if you'll listen but I'm screaming loud and fast. i cannot feel your heartbeat. stand on my feet. feel complete, feel defeat. i see you in a single frame, quickly fading, photograph.

tonight, tonight.

some nights hurt worse than the last

some nights i wish would just pass

some nights i cry but i wish i could laugh

I Know that She Died

but i can't do the math.

In dreams

i want to be loved i want to feel loved i want to curl into a ball and be held for as long as i need. i want to hibernate in a glowing warm pit of love without despair or sadness... arguments yelling or madness. wake me up when i can say I'm finally there. wake me up to my alternate universe where my baby is in my arms and i can go to sleep soundly, if only for moments in between waking up to feed her again and again. let me see you in my dreams.. could you please?

the other night i dreamt i was doing someone else's laundry and never got around to doing it but it was on the back of my mind. the machine loaded like it was an oven..perhaps symbolic of my instincts to nurture and take care of someone else.. but i kept getting distracted. i found some fabric on a table and when i lifted it up the whole thing opened up as if a breeze was in the room and displayed this beautiful enormous rainbow lightweight fabric.. it filled the room and i danced with it a bit, enjoying everything about it. suddenly i realized alot of people i knew were there watching me. they all came up to me saying, jackie you are so creative and talented,  i love everything you do. so many positive things were said all with one flay of the fabric. it was magic. but i became embarrassed of all the attention.
i walked around and saw piles of clothing and toys and a place on a stairway with my pillow on it because id slept there the night before. i looked down and there was a stuffed lamb that had a glowing heart. i knew it was you Vylette. i knew the scarf itself and all the colors in it was you. thank you for letting Momma know how good she is when all i ever hear lately are negative things that drag me down in the mud. you sweet Angel Girl on your puffy soft cotton candy clouds. send me another dream my love, i could use it.

How long was it after your loved ones death did the "rawness" go away and every second wasn't unbearable anymore?

this is a beautiful question that "Grief Journeys" group on Facebook just posted. 

The answer to this keeps echoing in my mind a lot lately. i am so thankful to come as far as have in the past almost 8 months since i had to set Vylette free, though times are extremely rough. at first it was so RAW and jagged and i felt like there was an anvil on my head. this overwhelming cloud of doom was always there..no matter what laughter covered it up for a short moment. id feel something strange and think why do i feel... oh wait THATS WHY. 

but slowly it became easier to face the days. and i didn't just stare at the clouds rolling by from day to night searching for answers or a glimpse of Her. taking an extremely last minute month long journey cross country in May and ending up randomly in my favorite place San Francisco restored something in me that was missing for a long time. i started to feel my creative colorful spirit creep back into me again. day by day. piece by piece. being there seemed like magic especially when i ended up there on Mother's Day of all days. i think seeing all the beautiful signs my daughter gives me and being open to receiving them has allowed me to heal in some small way. she is amazing. i am so thankful for that.

I've been working on a crochet one-of-a-kind colorful multi-patterned scarves lately inspired by My love for Vylette and the Love all Mothers have for their lost babies. for those who'd like to wear their hearts on their sleeve..or in this case around your neck:) !

at one point early when i started to feel ok i doubted myself thinking i shouldn't be allowed to feel good. i should cry constantly and long and hard til puffy eyed and til all my breath is lost. so i tried hard to go back into deeply hidden emotional memories of her in the hospital and the pain of coming to an eerily lifeless empty home days later. doing that put me in bed for nearly 2 weeks sick and crying and miserable. i decided to never do that again and allow myself to heal and allow her to help me in the special ways she does. ♥

Independence Day

with all the snap crackle pop of the fireworks i feel like change is in the air. or at least i feel like it should be. things are not good. i am not happy. I'm stuck, but maybe theres a way out.. i just have to dare to take those first few steps and then start running without looking back. but i don't think i can do it. in situations such as mine, theres a lot of things you want to hold on to. everything tangible that is left. but upon further analysis those things aren't proving to be the best for me. healthy for me. satisfying for me. i want it all to go back to the way it was way back when..in the not too distant past. but i don't know if thats possible anymore. I'm weighed down like a rock that someone just wants to toss into the ocean anyway, without even noticing its luster. as if things couldn't get any worse.. they do. 

whatever plan the universe has laid out for me.. is truly a macabre masterpiece. or some shit like that.