:/

i wanted a child so much today,
but then i wished that thought away...
i wondered why my eyes were not wet
then realized i remembered to forget
the feeling that haunts me deep inside
i am a mom so filled with pride
but when the day is done
and the sun is set
my arms are cold
and my pillow's wet.

i want a little mini me
you know,
the way things were supposed to be...
 my cheeks still can smile
though the world let me down..
but my
heart feels empty
and my spirit frowns...

siiiiiiiiiighhhhh

ever get that feeling where your head is going to explode, your ear is throbbing, your eye is twitching, your back is aching and your chest is being crushed?


no?

.....nevermind.

sick sick sick

I'm feeling sick
im forgetting how to eat
a salad a day makes me feel complete
i do remember how to lay on the floor
and want to abandon all thought and all pain
i wake up each morning and wish
my life wasn't the same.

i feel like I'm stuck in the movie groundhogs day
i can do whatever and say whatever and make whatever
but i always wake up again into the same day
nothing changes
nothings grows
just me and a pile of yarn
the only way i know days have passed
is in the creations that i make
marking the days
marking the moments
of my life, incomplete.

how do my feet still work? i often wonder
how do i function?
lately i feel a breakdown on the horizon
the Fall is drawing near

Vylette would be 1 year
her fate made much more clear
and then the years start to pile on more and more
until I'm frail and old and still missing my precious baby.
but spending allll those years creating beauty in her name
and telling her story of how she was wronged.
these women CANNOT go on.
this center simply CANNOT be.
no real love for women.
no real care for Mommies.

Babies need a louder voice
since they cannot speak for themselves
i will Gladly be one.
----------

i hope they haunt you in your dreams with their Sweet Angelic-ness
something YOU, yes YOU, could never POSESS
a "Midwife" to the masses, but a complete and utter MESS
may your guilt eat you ALIVE. may your misery PROGRESS.

tonight, tonight.

some nights hurt worse than the last

some nights i wish would just pass

some nights i cry but i wish i could laugh

I Know that She Died

but i can't do the math.

In dreams

i want to be loved i want to feel loved i want to curl into a ball and be held for as long as i need. i want to hibernate in a glowing warm pit of love without despair or sadness... arguments yelling or madness. wake me up when i can say I'm finally there. wake me up to my alternate universe where my baby is in my arms and i can go to sleep soundly, if only for moments in between waking up to feed her again and again. let me see you in my dreams.. could you please?

the other night i dreamt i was doing someone else's laundry and never got around to doing it but it was on the back of my mind. the machine loaded like it was an oven..perhaps symbolic of my instincts to nurture and take care of someone else.. but i kept getting distracted. i found some fabric on a table and when i lifted it up the whole thing opened up as if a breeze was in the room and displayed this beautiful enormous rainbow lightweight fabric.. it filled the room and i danced with it a bit, enjoying everything about it. suddenly i realized alot of people i knew were there watching me. they all came up to me saying, jackie you are so creative and talented,  i love everything you do. so many positive things were said all with one flay of the fabric. it was magic. but i became embarrassed of all the attention.
i walked around and saw piles of clothing and toys and a place on a stairway with my pillow on it because id slept there the night before. i looked down and there was a stuffed lamb that had a glowing heart. i knew it was you Vylette. i knew the scarf itself and all the colors in it was you. thank you for letting Momma know how good she is when all i ever hear lately are negative things that drag me down in the mud. you sweet Angel Girl on your puffy soft cotton candy clouds. send me another dream my love, i could use it.