sick sick sick

I'm feeling sick
im forgetting how to eat
a salad a day makes me feel complete
i do remember how to lay on the floor
and want to abandon all thought and all pain
i wake up each morning and wish
my life wasn't the same.

i feel like I'm stuck in the movie groundhogs day
i can do whatever and say whatever and make whatever
but i always wake up again into the same day
nothing changes
nothings grows
just me and a pile of yarn
the only way i know days have passed
is in the creations that i make
marking the days
marking the moments
of my life, incomplete.

how do my feet still work? i often wonder
how do i function?
lately i feel a breakdown on the horizon
the Fall is drawing near

Vylette would be 1 year
her fate made much more clear
and then the years start to pile on more and more
until I'm frail and old and still missing my precious baby.
but spending allll those years creating beauty in her name
and telling her story of how she was wronged.
these women CANNOT go on.
this center simply CANNOT be.
no real love for women.
no real care for Mommies.

Babies need a louder voice
since they cannot speak for themselves
i will Gladly be one.
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i hope they haunt you in your dreams with their Sweet Angelic-ness
something YOU, yes YOU, could never POSESS
a "Midwife" to the masses, but a complete and utter MESS
may your guilt eat you ALIVE. may your misery PROGRESS.

.

it seems like everyone is getting engaged or married or pregnant these days. everyone's life is coming together while mine is rapidly falling apart. i am not jealous of other's loves and happiness... no, I'm just wondering how come i am so undeserving of finding a life for myself. i thought Vylette would be my Life. and she still is and will always be.. but it is more of a battle at the moment. and more of a misery. and a loss and a task... i spend most days inside, wishing to go out but so bored with this place that i don't even know where to go. i don't care about going to bars or shows. i used to perform. i used to dress up. i used to do nothing much at all but still it seems like it was a lot more than what i do now. it is very hard to be understood by the people i know. i don't think they'd ever bother to try. you never know how it is until you have your own Angel..i guess. i wish life would find me as i sit here indoors while the summer passes me by on the outside. i spend my days staring at the sky playing cloud games with Vylette.  i honestly don't know what would make me happy right now. i don't want to live here anymore. but my mother is here and she is all that keeps me together these days. i cant afford to leave. and where do i even go? i thought i wanted to live in another state but now i dream of being in a completely different country with different customs and hopefully nicer truer people. but its all a dream, a very hazy one that makes no sense. i have no goal aside from JUSTICE for my daughter.. i sit at home. i read. i learn. i try to create. hopefully these days as a shut-in will lead to future days of creating things id never imagined id make up. maybe one day love will surround me and i will feel free, happy and completely willing to be myself. i am always myself but there is so much more in me that i hold back. one day i hope i can release it. i thought having Vylette would give me the courage to do whatever i wanted. but without  her i feel so small...