Today Vylette would be One Year and One Half years old.

 i feel bad , i didnt have enough in me to muster up something.. i always make her something. Grandma has been busy working on something extra special for Vylette all day long. i feel like a bad Momma today.. i just am too sad, i could hardly wake up the last half of this month.  but today i woke up early.



Today was pouring.
i envisioned us going outside,
Jumping in Puddles with Pig Tails,
Kicking Pebbles, Watching Snails
& Smelling the Rain,,,
but no,
today was just like yesterday..
its all still the same.
 :*(*

day after day, with each one passing i have less words to say. this feeling is all encompassing, and getting in the way of me feeling ok and accepting some form of normalcy... in between here and there is an eternity. what should be will never be. i just wish my girl was here with me....

something woke me up to this beautiful sunrise

Bella talks to the birdies.

the sky cools down to purple

fluffy angel clouds up above.

lots of lights and lots of love.

misery is a butterfly.

<3

reflections; soul projections...of things that should, but cannot be.

Butterflies and Gems chime for you, from me. 

Yellow and Purple, high as the sky Pansies. 

the ways i see you here with me...

wishing You a very Happy Half Birthday.

expressing the words i cannot say...

a tiny sleepy, tired kitty...

what i want and need. but know You have.

and finally the Green Green Nature, at last...

 

siiiiiiiiiighhhhh

ever get that feeling where your head is going to explode, your ear is throbbing, your eye is twitching, your back is aching and your chest is being crushed?


no?

.....nevermind.

Willow

weep under the willow.
tears ontop of my pillow.
memories are all i have.
dead, though my hearts beating.
sweet,sweet
your lil memory's fleeting
i know, but
i can't help 
disbelieving
that you're not
coming

back.

K9

sobbing quietly in this early morning..it is calm, yet deeply painful. 
humming to the sounds of chimes ringing for her, rhythmically and sweetly.

Vylette turns 9 months today. what a big big girl she would be. but i really have no idea. i feel her slipping away physically. yet mentally completely there.



an image of RAW TRUTH this morning.. just cuz.

9 Months.

"it was 
9 months since i grew you
now its
9 months since i knew you.
instead of coos and cries
i see pretty butterflies
and 
clouds floating in the sky
making shapes as you pass by...
i know
now you're living through me,
but i really wish you knew me."






August 28, 2012.
9 months old. 
Vylette Moon <3 
My Love Always.

fading. fading. fa

it all seems like its fading.like I'm fading.like you're fading. i cant help but keep creating, so i know days have passed. i seem to have lost the feeling, of your being, of your breathing. the images of you are fleeting, like I'm dreaming and waking fast. i can't get past the mission.i keep fishing, under strict conditions. i don't know if you'll listen but I'm screaming loud and fast. i cannot feel your heartbeat. stand on my feet. feel complete, feel defeat. i see you in a single frame, quickly fading, photograph.

sick sick sick

I'm feeling sick
im forgetting how to eat
a salad a day makes me feel complete
i do remember how to lay on the floor
and want to abandon all thought and all pain
i wake up each morning and wish
my life wasn't the same.

i feel like I'm stuck in the movie groundhogs day
i can do whatever and say whatever and make whatever
but i always wake up again into the same day
nothing changes
nothings grows
just me and a pile of yarn
the only way i know days have passed
is in the creations that i make
marking the days
marking the moments
of my life, incomplete.

how do my feet still work? i often wonder
how do i function?
lately i feel a breakdown on the horizon
the Fall is drawing near

Vylette would be 1 year
her fate made much more clear
and then the years start to pile on more and more
until I'm frail and old and still missing my precious baby.
but spending allll those years creating beauty in her name
and telling her story of how she was wronged.
these women CANNOT go on.
this center simply CANNOT be.
no real love for women.
no real care for Mommies.

Babies need a louder voice
since they cannot speak for themselves
i will Gladly be one.
----------

i hope they haunt you in your dreams with their Sweet Angelic-ness
something YOU, yes YOU, could never POSESS
a "Midwife" to the masses, but a complete and utter MESS
may your guilt eat you ALIVE. may your misery PROGRESS.