fading. fading. fa

it all seems like its fading.like I'm fading.like you're fading. i cant help but keep creating, so i know days have passed. i seem to have lost the feeling, of your being, of your breathing. the images of you are fleeting, like I'm dreaming and waking fast. i can't get past the mission.i keep fishing, under strict conditions. i don't know if you'll listen but I'm screaming loud and fast. i cannot feel your heartbeat. stand on my feet. feel complete, feel defeat. i see you in a single frame, quickly fading, photograph.

How long was it after your loved ones death did the "rawness" go away and every second wasn't unbearable anymore?

this is a beautiful question that "Grief Journeys" group on Facebook just posted. 

The answer to this keeps echoing in my mind a lot lately. i am so thankful to come as far as have in the past almost 8 months since i had to set Vylette free, though times are extremely rough. at first it was so RAW and jagged and i felt like there was an anvil on my head. this overwhelming cloud of doom was always there..no matter what laughter covered it up for a short moment. id feel something strange and think why do i feel... oh wait THATS WHY. 

but slowly it became easier to face the days. and i didn't just stare at the clouds rolling by from day to night searching for answers or a glimpse of Her. taking an extremely last minute month long journey cross country in May and ending up randomly in my favorite place San Francisco restored something in me that was missing for a long time. i started to feel my creative colorful spirit creep back into me again. day by day. piece by piece. being there seemed like magic especially when i ended up there on Mother's Day of all days. i think seeing all the beautiful signs my daughter gives me and being open to receiving them has allowed me to heal in some small way. she is amazing. i am so thankful for that.

I've been working on a crochet one-of-a-kind colorful multi-patterned scarves lately inspired by My love for Vylette and the Love all Mothers have for their lost babies. for those who'd like to wear their hearts on their sleeve..or in this case around your neck:) !

at one point early when i started to feel ok i doubted myself thinking i shouldn't be allowed to feel good. i should cry constantly and long and hard til puffy eyed and til all my breath is lost. so i tried hard to go back into deeply hidden emotional memories of her in the hospital and the pain of coming to an eerily lifeless empty home days later. doing that put me in bed for nearly 2 weeks sick and crying and miserable. i decided to never do that again and allow myself to heal and allow her to help me in the special ways she does. ♥