:/

i wanted a child so much today,
but then i wished that thought away...
i wondered why my eyes were not wet
then realized i remembered to forget
the feeling that haunts me deep inside
i am a mom so filled with pride
but when the day is done
and the sun is set
my arms are cold
and my pillow's wet.

i want a little mini me
you know,
the way things were supposed to be...
 my cheeks still can smile
though the world let me down..
but my
heart feels empty
and my spirit frowns...

Sundrenched. Sunkissed, thin lips. sky gray. fade bright. away.. away

they say that 

"Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder"

but my eyes, like my arms, are empty

cause i just wish i could hold her.

The Beauty that was here for a Second

Then Ascended to Heaven

theres no day like the present

to wish i could go back in time.

make things right and make Her

 Mine.

I'm fine.

Oh, yeah...

I'm fine.

K9

sobbing quietly in this early morning..it is calm, yet deeply painful. 
humming to the sounds of chimes ringing for her, rhythmically and sweetly.

Vylette turns 9 months today. what a big big girl she would be. but i really have no idea. i feel her slipping away physically. yet mentally completely there.



an image of RAW TRUTH this morning.. just cuz.

fading. fading. fa

it all seems like its fading.like I'm fading.like you're fading. i cant help but keep creating, so i know days have passed. i seem to have lost the feeling, of your being, of your breathing. the images of you are fleeting, like I'm dreaming and waking fast. i can't get past the mission.i keep fishing, under strict conditions. i don't know if you'll listen but I'm screaming loud and fast. i cannot feel your heartbeat. stand on my feet. feel complete, feel defeat. i see you in a single frame, quickly fading, photograph.

To all the Angel Babies that we Love & Miss so much.

<3 to all the babies lost but not forgotten<3


through this journey after Vylette, I've met so many Mothers full of so many stories about so many babies lost in many different ways. my heart goes out to all of you.  Heaven must be such a beautiful place if all of our children are up there playing together allowing us to meet each other and find someone to talk to or guide us through our immense loss.  i am so thankful to have met all of you. the only one who understand me. i think of all these babies daily, and this is for them from me and Vylette<3

I thought i lost you

i thought i lost you

until you were found

In All the World's Beauty

and

in the Sweetest of Sounds.

i see you in the trees

in the air

in the sea

on the ground

just open your heart

and your eyes will astound:)

Independence Day

with all the snap crackle pop of the fireworks i feel like change is in the air. or at least i feel like it should be. things are not good. i am not happy. I'm stuck, but maybe theres a way out.. i just have to dare to take those first few steps and then start running without looking back. but i don't think i can do it. in situations such as mine, theres a lot of things you want to hold on to. everything tangible that is left. but upon further analysis those things aren't proving to be the best for me. healthy for me. satisfying for me. i want it all to go back to the way it was way back when..in the not too distant past. but i don't know if thats possible anymore. I'm weighed down like a rock that someone just wants to toss into the ocean anyway, without even noticing its luster. as if things couldn't get any worse.. they do. 

whatever plan the universe has laid out for me.. is truly a macabre masterpiece. or some shit like that.

dddid i?

these days that pass and i cry less and just face the days ahead of me.. i sit and wonder
did i ever have you?
did i ever know you?
did i ever feel you?
did i ever grow you?


if i am not physically exhausted by my pain and tears
does it mean that you were not here?

i spend more days dedicated to ritual
to finding new ways to remember you
moon.. stars.. clouds... hearts
but in all this remembering i feel like i forgot what it was to have you
i miss all the classes i went to last year at this time.
i wanted to learn everything for you.
i wanted to be the most perfect natural momma.
cloth diapers all the way. i could teach the class myself and even better!
baby wrapping techniques because, who needs a stroller when i can be close to you
and keep you at my eye level so we can experience the world together.
i still see all the things i bought for you on the shelf..


and when i look too hard it hurts to know that i was so ready and just waiting for your arrival in those final weeks.. and days.. it almost seems like I'm still waiting for you. like the reality has not yet fully hit that you aren't coming back to me this time around.


where are you my dear?
what land do you reign over now, my princess?
how do you know me?
do you see me?
do you guide me?
do i miss most of the signs?
why wasn't i meant to be a mother to you, the way it was intended?
why do i need an angel baby, when an earth one would be perfectly fine?
where do all my kisses and wishes go when i send them out each night?
I'm sorry i don't sing your songs to you as much anymore.
what do i do? where do i go now?
what if it doesn't work out with me and your daddy?
what then?
i love you
i love you
ill always think of you.

i for an i

i miss those days
when i carried you
and when he'd still say
"i want to Marry you!"
but those days are long gone
and far behind.

i lack those times
that will never be
like reading you books
and hearing the word "Mommy"

Lord help me if THIS
will be the Death of Me
i should just move on
and hope for
an Eye
for an Eye.

Crown of Thorns

never one to NOT
be so BOLD
or follow the path
of which I'm told...

you could tell me THIS
and tell me THAT
you can wrinkle your nose
and call me fat.

but in this life i know
JUST where i'm at!

i put on my shoe
i put on my hat
i put on my stockings
& socks on top of that!

if you want, you can laugh
and call me a clown
but
I'LL WEAR MY GRIEF
LIKE ITS MY CROWN!

*(((In Rainbows)))*

i went to this art event at Tompkins the other week. didn't plan on it but i ended up there and lucky enough for me there was open canvas space.  i wanted to make something for Vylette.

@Tompkins Square Park - HOWL Festival/Art around the Park event.

what i was thinking of and singing and feeling when i made it is worth more than just the visual alone.

It is, after all, just a Rainbow Heart. but the love and songs and memories i put into it are real.

i made it for the kiddies passing by, just a last minute thought to brighten the area!

i ended up poking holes in difft spots and putting difft colored yarn drips hanginging allover it.

Here is the finished painting before i added the yarn.

..A Mother's Love..

 so many lil kids were like.. look look a heart! a rainbow! i love it! 

one girl told me "this inspires me:)"

or people said "i like the way this makes me feel, i love your heart"

JUSTICE FOR VYLETTE!


 so it made me so happy to hear parents asking their kids or kids asking their parents to try and make this at home. i suggested using fingerprints to blend in between the colors and have more fun doing it. It makes me smile to know i inspired an art project between parents and kids, with something simple they can make at home. i had the chance to tell a few about why i painted it and Vylette's story. but i knew my love for her would echo through anyone who admired it. story, or not. 

 ------

so that was my painting for Vylette! and on June 7th Vylette made a painting for her Momma, right outside my window. 

i was having a bad day.  things aren't going too well lately but i looked up from the computer and right outside my window was this huge beautiful rainbow. i have never seen one like this before.  i could see where it was coming from and where it was going. the end of it was right by a church up the street where my Mom and I leave donations and offerings for & in the name of Vylette.

you can't tell here but the Arc of the Rainbow was about 3 Rainbows thick.  i know it was a gift and it brightened up my day as well as the sky.

I Love You Vylette<3

6 Months, 2 Weeks and a Moment

~*~

I cannot believe 6 Months have passed

since I have seen my Daughter last. 

If only I could spend a day or two,

to do the things that Mothers do...

But we have a special bond, you see

that you can't read in books or

watch on tv.

So even though my child has passed,

Her Memory, in me

will always Last.

Thank You for Everything!

Momma always Loves You

Happy 6 Month Birthday

~*Vylette Moon*~

Road block..