-POSTCARDS FROM HEAVEN-

-POSTCARDS FROM HEAVEN-
(Vylette's Valentine Morning gift to me... this beautiful view)

They wanna say that

you dont matter to me

but oh,

~You Matter to Me~

They wanna say i'm

OBSESSED

but i'm 

Preserving the Memory of

My Child who will

Never Be . . .

Just because you 

cannot comprehend 

doesnt mean i need 

help, mentally.

My Love for Vylette 

will  E c h o

E T E R N A L L Y . . .

Midnight Moon

December's Full Cold Moon

~*  Magical Moon set out to great me  *~ 

when all the world seems to defeat me 

"Not so fast!" she whispers, spritely 

tip-toeing into my window nightly

Winter's chill and icy sidewalks

on long lasting, lonely, night walks

The Slippery Sanctuary temporarily connecting me 

to the Celestial Hierarchy that is my 

Devastatingly Gorgeous and Not-So-Far-Gone Fairy

Radiating warmth to me on Silvery Stranded beams

Ensuring and revealing opalescent tear-streaming 

D       R       E       A       M      S

POLKA DOT CAKE! BAKE ALONG - Tutorial for Vylette Moon's Hello Kitty Polka Dotted Happy 2nd Birthday PARTY!!!

For Vylette's 2nd Birthday

we're gonna try something fun and new!

last year we all baked Rainbow Cake to celebrate

:::THIS YEAR:::

We're gonna make a Polka Dot CAKE, a Polka Dot CAKE!!!

this cake is based off of a cake created from the blog of 

Once Upon a Pedestal

i found a few easier ways to create this cake if you dont have a cake pop maker or a special pan.

on Beki Cooks Cakes Blog 

she describes different ways you can attempt to make this cake

she lists a few as failed attempts but they all look cool!

its all fun and theres no wrong way to do it! 

consider it  a new fun baking adventure & learning experience for you and your family!!!

<3 Vylette encourages Creativity of ALL KINDS <3

\

for Vegan Polka Dot cake we will need:

Chocolate Cake mix & Dark Chocolate Frosting

Strawberry Cake mix & Strawberry Frosting

1 cup Apple Sauce total

2 tbsp of Cornstarch total

2/3 cup Canola/Vegetable oil total

a mini cupcake pan

or

a cake pop maker

or 

a small round cookie cutter

Replace 3 eggs with 1/2 cup Apple Sauce + 1tbsp Cornstarch

Replace 1cup water with 3/4 cup water

1/3 cup of oil remains the same

mix up the first batter 

bake half the mixture into cake pops/ mini cupcakes/ or bake the entire cake and cut out circles with a cookie cutter. if that gets confusing please refer to

 Beki cooks cakes blog for help!

make and mix batter #2 like batter #1

PREHEAT OVEN TO 350*

 oil and flour a cake pan.

pour a small amount of batter #2 on the bottom of the pan 

arrange cake balls/ mini muffins on their sides/ or circle cake cut outs on there sides ontop of the batter

pour more batter ontop of the balls until covered, leaving room for cake to rise in pan

place in Preheated oven at 350*

 bake cake a little longer than box directions. 

remove cake from oven when toothpick inserted into the center of the cake comes out clean.

repeat the process allover again, but make the opposite color of cake balls and batter!

place the balls/mini cupcakes/circle cut outs into different positions than the first cake.

bake agaaaaaain. take out when toothpick inserted into center of cake comes out CLEAN.

frost and ice however youd like!!! pink frosting on the chocolate cake and chocolate frosting on the pink!

you can do whatever you want. however you interpret this all

WHAT EVER YOU THINK!!!

the more creative THE BETTER!!!

i topped my practice cake in Fondant because i plan to make her a two tiered Hello Kitty Birthday cake! i am not sure why this pattern or these colors but they were cheery and bright.

The Outside!!! <3

The Inside!

your turn now.
!!!GOOOOOOD LUCK!!!

Autumnal Woe... ~22 Months~ My Love Forever

i was baking and cleaning all night... and wishing i was feeding cake to Vylette. i know shed love it then run around and get all crazy after the warm spicey sugar rushhh  :)  i feel her around me running into Gradma's room.. always snuggling with Grandma or under the covers with Daddy on chilly days.

Where oh where is She though? the cake is getting cold...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

somedays i dont want to do alot of thinking,

so ill do a lot of baking

or my hands will keep crocheting

to keep my heart from aching...

cant say that i really go out much

i hardly ever keep in touch

the mental anguish and the rush

chokes up the broken heart i clutch

so ill just stay here and hide

with my daughter's ashes by my side

and ill have the perfect time,

if even only in my mind.

around my feet i feel you running

i see you jumping, see you walking

under Autumn leaves just turning

i miss you love you sweetly

my darling you do complete me

without you, im hurting deeply

i once saw you held you 

i just wish i could have kept you

around for always

im withering my leaves are falling

my colors fading my eyes so distant

clouded aging

who ever thought that procreating 

would be such an Undertaking. 

a note to those who would never ever understand the pain of being an Angel Parent.

call us sick. call us what you want. call us crazy. but this is our love. undying, unending, unwinding down to the last thread until there is no more. we are Angel Parents now and forever. there is no end. get used to it, or fuck off.

this is the twilight zone

This was the longest most drawn out non existant summer of my life. I cant say ive done much. Its been so depressing. With every new season a new pain.. What would she be like? What would she and say? What games would we play? What songs would we sing? There is a part of me that can almost see all the happiness on the other side of the mirror in the real world in which we are truly happy. Im stuck in an alternate reality.. falling like a meteor awaiting the crash and burn. The Twilight Zone marathon was playing on the day i was so merrily putting together Vylette's Sugar plum themed purple swing...something i looked most forward to seeing her in. My nephew always loved his swing as a baby. I planned to see many happy memories in hers. But somehow i entered into the twilight zone, with the midwives from hell. 

This year Vylette's Birthday IS thanksgiving. The holiday they decided was more important than my baby and me. It wasnt even thanksgiving day.. We were so happy then, awaiting our child in just a few short days or moments after. My plug had fallen out that day. I was just waiting waiting waiting sitting pretty and so happy.  They just wanted one more day of vacation. Sunday night. They didnt have enough time off.. and now their gluttony and selfishness took her life away and altered mine forever. 

Nothing is the same. They say the next year will be better but it hasnt been. It has been long and winding. Rough and rigid. Motion sickness inducing chaotic misery. I have a loved & adored but missing Baby, tattered and charred relationship with so many pieces broken and missing that no one could quite put us back together again, and then theres me. What is there to me at all? Im surviving off of the love i have for Vylette and thats it. Thats all. But its so much and it is endless.. So somehow i can function, just minimally. ravaged by the rocks and waves. Trying to stay afloat upon the ebb and flow of tides in a sea of ash. Tsunami washed over me taking all i have. Trying to rebuild everything from scratch. dont know which direction to float or go....Wading..Just waiting.. Watching... Not stopping. My energy is dropping but my Soul is in it for the long haul.

Daddy Day - June 16 2013

Happy Father's Day to all the true Father's out there, especially those left out Daddies who can only carry their Babies in their Hearts <3

~<3 Daddy's Girl <3~

It was a long and rough buildup to Father's Day accompanied by anger, disgust, and chaotic frustration. His Girl was unfairly robbed from him.  The day is finally here and it is calm and somber, with a touch of sweetness because this day just would not be without our Sweet and Dear Vylette.

i think its really hard in general to find the best way to give a gift/celebrate Father's Day, but I can't express how hard it is trying to find a way to celebrate Father's Day for an Angel Daddy. Men often internalize their feelings, especially Grief and Heartbreak.  The best way to approach it, at least I thought, was to prepare all his favorite foods ( Home made by me &Vylette's Grandma, of COURSE!)
and let him know i honor him as Vylette's Dada.

On Tonight's SOUTHERN STYLE ANGEL DADDY DAY MENU:  

*Fresh Brewed Homemade Sweet Tea
*Biscuits n Peppered Sausage Gravy Casserole smothered in Extra Sharp Cheddar Cheese 
(Grandma was forced to make the sausage gravy part cuz I'm Vegan and don't touch meat!)

*Grandma's Chicken Nuggets and fries

& for Desert
Heart Shaped Warm Marble Pound Cake/ Rocky Road ice cream sammiches topped with Cool Whip and Ranibow Sprinkles.

HE LOVED IT, and soon after passed out ;p

Home Made Sweet Tea (first time making it!)

Biscuits n Gravy Casserole! (The Ultimate form of Biscuits n Gravy!)

This Angel Father's way of celebrating Father's Day.
A Good Meal and a Good Cry.
His Daughter's Love will always be nearby.

Half a Moon in a Fluffy sky full of Cotton Candy Pink - for being a Half of Daddy and a Half of Mommy.
~Love <3 Vylette~

Lots of Love to you Jerry. i wish she was here and i wish i could watch you be Her Daddy<3 

today she would run up to daddy and give his belly raspberries or at least id do it and make her laugh... i walk around the house and feel/ see her in my mind running around giggling, tugging at our legs while we hug. running up to Dada and pulling his hair and running away.. playing with my yarn, looking at my hair flowers.. miss my Lil' Mommy. 

~Spring has Sprung~

~Spring has Sprung~

its my very favorite Season,

though i've hardly seen a thing.

i haven't really ventured out

and haven't had a song to sing.

Vylette showed me all the Beauty,

but now i feel the STING.

what a pity,

its my duty

to let the bells of

JUSTICE

R I N G.

its been a long while.

the lump in my throat has translated to my fingertips
the lines are broken
my thoughts amiss
the words unspoken that are usually written
are lost and forgotten
the pain focuses inward
im not such a coward I'm just on a mission
my friends unforgiven
for forgetting so easy
left out in the cold  with no message or meaning
when you're lost and you're lonely
and you're running on empty
don't reach out, cuz you left me
and ill never forgive you

the family has joined the bandwagon too
was hoping for a Happy 1st Birthday
to give her
but they shit on me too
don't tell me what hurts me
when I'm  down and I'm thirsty
my cup runneth over with Smitten & Chagrin
Lord, take me back to my real life
and let it begin.
begin.
begin...

long lost and lingering on a feeling
thats just dwindling
im not healing, I'm just hindering
the deep enchanted thought processes
the haunted halls of gauze compresses
the upright walk and rolling winds
if you're taking a step backwards
then never ask me to dance again
is there more to life than this
an awkward pose
a loveless kiss
a mental state of crucifixion
a long life left of
contradiction.
where is your faith love and harmony
i swear to god I'm falling to pieces
from rags to riches
now my riches in bags with tags on them
searching the long road
til i can find the magic found within.
where is my daughter
can you lead me and then
can you heal me and friend
wipe the weeping and get
to feeding my soul
cuz I've lost all control
if i take two more step backwards
it will lead me to my end.

:/

i wanted a child so much today,
but then i wished that thought away...
i wondered why my eyes were not wet
then realized i remembered to forget
the feeling that haunts me deep inside
i am a mom so filled with pride
but when the day is done
and the sun is set
my arms are cold
and my pillow's wet.

i want a little mini me
you know,
the way things were supposed to be...
 my cheeks still can smile
though the world let me down..
but my
heart feels empty
and my spirit frowns...

Birthdays are the Worst.

Jerry's bday Last Year + Pie!

i remember this day last year.. the feeling was just the same, full of anticipation of beautiful things to come. except this year there is no beautiful thing to come, to prepare for. there is no Vylette.

Today was Jerry's Birthday. and all i could do was think about last year and how everything used to feel. nothing was perfect, but it wasn't THIS. i always wanted to make a beautiful home made fruit pie with an intricate lattice patterned top and i thought being a Mother was the best time to start.. and on Daddy's Birthday of all days. i remember kneading the dough thinking about all the dreams that would soon come true.. what would she be like? how would we act with her? i bet she would laugh all day long and speak in a really strange witty wordplay language that only we, as her parents, could teach her.

i was so proud of my pie, and so happy to please! Blueberry Peach pie to be exact. and it was so good, and came out beautifully. next up to come out beautiful was my Dearest Vylette. He had a great birthday. my mom gave him presents.. we had balloons. limitless appetizers that i plated in intricate patterns because i popped out of Better Punk Homes n Gardens..



we took pictures with our reflections in his Balloons.. everything echoed happiness...

and now there is today. we had been fighting for a while ever since septemeber started. it seemed to be ok in august but once i saw the number 1, next to september on my phone i knew i was in for some bullshit. an emotional roller coaster of my own, but i forgot to consider the ride he would put me on.  they talk a lot about the men that hold the women up during times of loss. but what, just WHAT, about the fierce women that take all the horrific pain of themselves as well as the pain of the man, who likes to lay it on them at random will? what about her... i.e. Me? can i get a fucking award for that with cherries on top!?!

anyway.. today was so quiet. Jerry seemed really sad, depressed and completely quiet..very unlike him. i know there must be so much going on in his mind right now about Vylette and many other issues going on right now.. its so hard when nothing is right.  i kept mostly to myself. even though we have been fighting very nastily to the point of complete silence and distance.. i wanted to give him a somewhat decent birthday.  i let him do his thing and me and my mom got busy in the kitchen.  she made her secret meatball in gravy recipe and i took care of the mashed pertaters and mac n cheeeeese.

A Jerr sized Platter of Birthday Love from Me 'n' my Momma

Vylette Loves her Daddy <3

i also found him a really nice Balloon that i knew was sent from Vylette to Daddy, that made him smile.  He enjoyed his dinner when it was finally presented to him and pretty much ate it and passed out with the Lil sleepy eyed sheep we often dress up. today she was wearing a shirt that had a Koi fish on it, just like Daddy's tattoo. Vylette was all around, and yet not here at all. that feeling of anticipation was in me.. but all for nothing. there is not going to be a child in late October or November. there is not going to be a beautiful happiness and new beginning for my entire family. there will only be coldness and more sorrow. today was so quiet. i felt me walk around the traces of myself happy and beaming, buzzing around the kitchen last year with my belly full of Vylette.. it felt so surreal to walk around my past self in circles in my mind.. if only i knew then what i knew now. if only Vylette was here and not ripped away from us, leaving us frail empty shells of what we used to be. I can't imagine a day without her.. even though she is technically not here.
i hope You can see us from a far off place tonight, as we cry in our sleep and wish the best for your spirit.. i can see her shedding a tear or to for us, since we cannot hear or see her.. she wants us to know she is there.

sigh.. what will her birthday be like, i only wonder.. my stress levels are so high and the sorrow is deep and endless.. i miss her and i don't know why this all is the way it is.

Why do these women still practice at all?
everyone of the midwives involved no longer work at the center. isn't that curious.

Asya Portnaya works at a new place in a private practice. i wonder if that Doctor knows about what she did, and thinks nothing of it. i wonder if she even gives a shit about what she did, and thinks nothing of it or us.. she has made that perfectly clear.

i feel as though i am trying to move a boulder but all I'm doing is kicking tiny little pebbles. if only there was something more i could do. i am trying to spread the word, but i wish there was something more.

Where are you Vylette, Momma and Daddy really miss you <3

Sundrenched. Sunkissed, thin lips. sky gray. fade bright. away.. away

they say that 

"Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder"

but my eyes, like my arms, are empty

cause i just wish i could hold her.

The Beauty that was here for a Second

Then Ascended to Heaven

theres no day like the present

to wish i could go back in time.

make things right and make Her

 Mine.

I'm fine.

Oh, yeah...

I'm fine.

In Heaven~

   ~* What does Heaven look like,  My Baby? *~

    What does Heaven look like, My Love?

    Way up past the Stars that are Shining...

    Way up in the Sky up Above!

    Are there lots of Animals playing,

    In a world of only Pure Love?

    I hear all the Sweet Music Lulling

    Babies asleep on Tufts of Cloud Fluff...

    Can't wait til the day that i see you

  ~*  Cuz days down here surely are rough...*~

i for an i

i miss those days
when i carried you
and when he'd still say
"i want to Marry you!"
but those days are long gone
and far behind.

i lack those times
that will never be
like reading you books
and hearing the word "Mommy"

Lord help me if THIS
will be the Death of Me
i should just move on
and hope for
an Eye
for an Eye.

6 Months, 2 Weeks and a Moment

~*~

I cannot believe 6 Months have passed

since I have seen my Daughter last. 

If only I could spend a day or two,

to do the things that Mothers do...

But we have a special bond, you see

that you can't read in books or

watch on tv.

So even though my child has passed,

Her Memory, in me

will always Last.

Thank You for Everything!

Momma always Loves You

Happy 6 Month Birthday

~*Vylette Moon*~

Road block..

Eyes & Ashes.

i saw my baby's eyes in a hazy dream last night.
she was not fussing or crying, just staring back into mine.
but i lost it so quickly..
i kept waking up to any sound because my cats jump around
on Vylette's shelf where i have all her toys displayed, crochet flowers,
Her Ashes..
they like to sniff and chew the flowers by her box of Earthly Memories,
the time that she spent here with me...
but when they jump off everything scatters, and once her box fell.
i am on guard all night. waking up to the slightest sound.
must be a mother's instinct. to wake to the sound of a cry; ill never hear.

last night i had a dream i lost her memories. Her box fell on the floor.
the edges were bent and it opened up. i could feel little particles allover my fingers.
were these her ashes? on my hands? with her box all in tatters?
i was looking for my cat who did this, but more in horror that what i have left of her was ruined.

this tends to be a common theme in my dreams of the past near 5 months.
Her Ashes exposed and ruined.. the bag inside rips and i can see what became of her beautiful perfect body.  her ashes looked like soil and they spilled out everywhere. there were so much of them.
i couldn't stop it.

Eyes & Ashes
those pretty eyelashes
turned to dust...

nighttime.

Will someone ever utter the name Mommy and think of me?
Will i ever feel the same, or like my heart beats?
could i try once again so you're here with me?
can i hold you close, and rock you to sleep?

when i get in my bed i imagine our real life
the one where you're here
and theres no pain and no strife
can i whisper in your ear
that mommy loves you to pieces
instead of look at your name
and kiss your box of ashes?
                -

The Moon is outside
when i lay down to sleep
and i whisper goodbyes
and for your soul to keep
flourishing high
in rain, mud and sleet
can i hold you again
and kiss your sweet feets?
my hearts on the mend
and my brain in a deep sleep
the blood never ends
cuz the wounds run
so deep.
So Deep.
      -
~*My Moon
My Star
so close
yet so far*~

The Last Spring.

Me & Vylette at Brooklyn Botanical Garden's Cherry Blossom Festival last year

My senses are confused.. its pretty out. Flowers blooming. but i feel sad. last year, this time, i was aware of a little life budding inside of me. everything was much more beautiful. it was as if i was living Spring for the first time in my life. the smell of flowers was everywhere...i needed to know what every flower, every tree, every bush was called. i imagined having my baby here with me wondering how i would explain things to her. i was tearing up imagining what life would be like this year, with my baby in my arms. i felt amazing and overwhelmed.. i started my research on natural baby things, and the coolest cutest toys and essentials. i started paying more attention to every detail of waking, breathing, eating and sleeping. never in my life had i felt that way. Vylette changed me. i felt softer and prettier. i felt like a true woman. i had a goal for once in my life. 

Now i walk these same streets, looking at the buds of early spring blossoming, and everything feels weird. i want to smile at the beauty of nature but my heart aches instead. i see her in the flowers and hear her in the birdies chirping in the trees. but i want to see her face, hear her voice, and watch her blossom too. ♥