this is the twilight zone

This was the longest most drawn out non existant summer of my life. I cant say ive done much. Its been so depressing. With every new season a new pain.. What would she be like? What would she and say? What games would we play? What songs would we sing? There is a part of me that can almost see all the happiness on the other side of the mirror in the real world in which we are truly happy. Im stuck in an alternate reality.. falling like a meteor awaiting the crash and burn. The Twilight Zone marathon was playing on the day i was so merrily putting together Vylette's Sugar plum themed purple swing...something i looked most forward to seeing her in. My nephew always loved his swing as a baby. I planned to see many happy memories in hers. But somehow i entered into the twilight zone, with the midwives from hell. 

This year Vylette's Birthday IS thanksgiving. The holiday they decided was more important than my baby and me. It wasnt even thanksgiving day.. We were so happy then, awaiting our child in just a few short days or moments after. My plug had fallen out that day. I was just waiting waiting waiting sitting pretty and so happy.  They just wanted one more day of vacation. Sunday night. They didnt have enough time off.. and now their gluttony and selfishness took her life away and altered mine forever. 

Nothing is the same. They say the next year will be better but it hasnt been. It has been long and winding. Rough and rigid. Motion sickness inducing chaotic misery. I have a loved & adored but missing Baby, tattered and charred relationship with so many pieces broken and missing that no one could quite put us back together again, and then theres me. What is there to me at all? Im surviving off of the love i have for Vylette and thats it. Thats all. But its so much and it is endless.. So somehow i can function, just minimally. ravaged by the rocks and waves. Trying to stay afloat upon the ebb and flow of tides in a sea of ash. Tsunami washed over me taking all i have. Trying to rebuild everything from scratch. dont know which direction to float or go....Wading..Just waiting.. Watching... Not stopping. My energy is dropping but my Soul is in it for the long haul.

Full Cold Moon marks 13 Months without You.

13 months. another Full Moon to end this year on.

photo turned-to-digital painting taken in Vylette's Sacred Woods - Dec 03, 2012. a year to the day i set her soul free.

 i look at Her picture and think i am so far from that moment... people that 'know' me probably feel its time i move on. but i can't ever. and i want to celebrate every month of what should be her life... so this is it huh? painful life without Her.  walking in molasses. stuck like super glue. don't know what to do without You. sinking deeper into depression. i want to sleep all day again. don't know where to toss or turn. the swell the sting and the burn have all turned into a numbed dull void. an endless expanse of questions wonders and nothingness.. in the darkness i see you. so many colors that there is always a light. i see you without my eyes in the night. your energy pulsates and shines so bright. so bright! i wish you could come again through a trick trap door and mark the entry to the other world : DO NOT DISTURB. a precious life needs to be Born Again and Lead. this time without needless delay, and suffocating redness to the head. i want you LIVE and WELL nestled warm in my bed, not dried up and packaged in a box with a certified note that says you're dead.