Full Cold Moon marks 13 Months without You.

13 months. another Full Moon to end this year on.

photo turned-to-digital painting taken in Vylette's Sacred Woods - Dec 03, 2012. a year to the day i set her soul free.

 i look at Her picture and think i am so far from that moment... people that 'know' me probably feel its time i move on. but i can't ever. and i want to celebrate every month of what should be her life... so this is it huh? painful life without Her.  walking in molasses. stuck like super glue. don't know what to do without You. sinking deeper into depression. i want to sleep all day again. don't know where to toss or turn. the swell the sting and the burn have all turned into a numbed dull void. an endless expanse of questions wonders and nothingness.. in the darkness i see you. so many colors that there is always a light. i see you without my eyes in the night. your energy pulsates and shines so bright. so bright! i wish you could come again through a trick trap door and mark the entry to the other world : DO NOT DISTURB. a precious life needs to be Born Again and Lead. this time without needless delay, and suffocating redness to the head. i want you LIVE and WELL nestled warm in my bed, not dried up and packaged in a box with a certified note that says you're dead.

B L O O M

~i can smell you there,

 in the flowers,

 deep.

i can taste the tears

stained upon my cheek. 

i can hear your name sway across the breeze...

and remember 

you're still here with me.

i can see you now,

 in the sunshine, 

warm. 

as i once held you, 

child, 

safe from harm.~

The Last Spring.

Me & Vylette at Brooklyn Botanical Garden's Cherry Blossom Festival last year

My senses are confused.. its pretty out. Flowers blooming. but i feel sad. last year, this time, i was aware of a little life budding inside of me. everything was much more beautiful. it was as if i was living Spring for the first time in my life. the smell of flowers was everywhere...i needed to know what every flower, every tree, every bush was called. i imagined having my baby here with me wondering how i would explain things to her. i was tearing up imagining what life would be like this year, with my baby in my arms. i felt amazing and overwhelmed.. i started my research on natural baby things, and the coolest cutest toys and essentials. i started paying more attention to every detail of waking, breathing, eating and sleeping. never in my life had i felt that way. Vylette changed me. i felt softer and prettier. i felt like a true woman. i had a goal for once in my life. 

Now i walk these same streets, looking at the buds of early spring blossoming, and everything feels weird. i want to smile at the beauty of nature but my heart aches instead. i see her in the flowers and hear her in the birdies chirping in the trees. but i want to see her face, hear her voice, and watch her blossom too. ♥

JUSTICE FOR VYLETTE!!!!!

here are a couple of visual essays showing what happened to my beautiful daughter, 

~*Vylette Moon*~

gone too soon!   

11.28.11 - 12.03.11

Her life was wrongfully taken  by the disgusting negligence of midwifes Asya Portnaya and Yuliya Milshteyn & doula London King of 

The Brooklyn Birthing Center, in NYC. 

My mission is to get JUSTICE for VYLETTE. to never allow these 'midwives' to be anywhere near precious new life and pregnant women & to have this careless center SHUT DOWN.

thanks to Megan for making these videos in memory of her!

VYLETTE's STORY

my absolutely perfect baby from my perfect pregnancy died directly due to the severe negligence of my midwives ASYA PORTNAYA & YULIYA MILSHTEYN of The Brooklyn Birthing Center (http://www.brooklynbirthingcenter.com/ ). also doula London King ( http://www.pushlove.com/ ). 

they delayed me for hours so much so that my baby was trapped in my birth canal and suffered lack of oxygen to her brain. they did not believe me when i told them my contractions were 2 min apart for HOURS. my doula was paid specifically doc one to my house to monitor me and tell me when to go in. but she failed me as well. they told me i was fine not in enough pain to go in. they said i could still talk so i wasn't in pain. i told them i was vomiting. they said no need for concern. 

it was thanksgiving weekend and no one wanted to break their vacation to deal with me. i wanted the most natural spiritual birth i could give my child but instead got the complete opposite. finally i told them i was coming in. i arrived fully dilated pushed for an hour. she broke my water and noticed meconium from distress. baby wanted to come out for hours but because of the delay she was panicking inside of me. there was definitely a good heartbeat. they made me stop pushing for 15 minutes! made me walk when i could feel her head between my legs even made me walk down the stairs instead of letting the EMTs put me on a stretcher! i listened cuz i was freaking out and had to trust them.. 

i arrived at the hospital and finally got to push. it was so hard to work against my own body.. sometimes i pushed cuz i couldn't hold it.. i wish i would have just pushed her out. shed be ok. i get to the hospitals and they're screaming at me to push saying I'm not working hard enough.. i struggle and scream.. the midwife spreads me open with two hands. no warning. i start screaming. a woman i don't know runs in the room and sticks her hand in too so i have 4 hands plying my pussy open. I'm groaning wildly... finally they cut me vagina open like they should have long ago and baby flies out stiff. no cries. gray complexion. no cries. they smash my stomach brutally to get the placenta out. i screaming.. 12 doctors swarm around baby trying to get her heart to start.. she's rushed out of the room. i feel like death. I'm freaking. I'm sent to my room.. i finally get to see her. its bad. she looks like she's sedated but she just isn't moving. they resuscitated her and she's on a ventilator. she's hooked up to 12 machines in a huge room of her own.. the rest of the babies in the NICU are in another room. every orifice has a wire a tube a needle in it. they poke and prod her every 30 min to adjust her glucose. machines administer drugs to keep her heart rate up.. they keep her on a special cooling table that lowers her body temp to slow down her metabolism for three days. after 3 days they do a brain scan. zero brain activity. 

i had a perfect pregnancy did everything right. all her tests and mine perfect. they killed her. they took away her spark. she had tiny movements that improved over a few days so we thought there may be hope. after the brain scan i had to decide when to turn the machines off. i saw that her body and soul were finally at peace. i knew it was time. she was so beautiful, so perfect that doctors cried when they saw her. the priest cried. they could all see how rosy pink her skin was.. how supple her soil, how pretty her features.. they were so sad. the nurses would dress her up in little accessories. 

her name is Vylette Moon and though she was here for such a short time she was very loved by all who saw her. except the midwives.. they never spoke to me again. stopped all contact and ran me in circles when i tried to obtain my medical records they are evil.

i was supposed to birth at the Brooklyn birthing centerthe midwives were ASYA PORTNAYA and YULIYA MILSHTEYN. i believe they are currently still delivering babies. it makes me so sick. i had to watch my child die in my arms. she would be 2 months and 1 week right now. 

my house is full of things i so carefully selected and requested for her. I'm so devastated and will always be. my boyfriend and i dont get along very well now, we're so far apart and at times, i feel so completely alone. its been very hard but i am strong.. or at least i try to be. its all been doctors, lawyers, paperwork, funeral homes, collecting her remains.. etc. all by myself. its so hard. it gets worse every day i feel deeper and deeper agony of not having her.. everything is hell. my family is devastated. ughhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

please visit my Facebook page JUSTICE FOR VYLETTE. read the story and view the photo albums. see what i had to live. LIKE and SHARE it with as many people as you can. Help give Vylette the voice she was not allowed to have! please raise awareness. i don't want this to ever happen to anyone else ever again! after this happened they washed their hands of me, said it was all in the hospital's hands now and never offered me any type of grievance or support. https://www.facebook.com/pages/Justice-for-Vylette/304080562960839