a note to those who would never ever understand the pain of being an Angel Parent.

call us sick. call us what you want. call us crazy. but this is our love. undying, unending, unwinding down to the last thread until there is no more. we are Angel Parents now and forever. there is no end. get used to it, or fuck off.

its been a while...

i have not written in quite some time....
my heart still beats the same sad chime.
I'm at a loss for words
and a lack of sleep...
the first year seems to have made me speak
but now as my pain stands the test of time,
i drown in sorrow and just wish she was MINE.

i don't know what to say....
i don't know what to rhyme.

Vylette Moon Vylette Moon Vylette Moon

your name seems like a dream to me.
something written down on paper,
for only my eyes to see.
just a pretty picture
and a faded memory.
poetry in slow-motion
of things that could never be.

~*Vylette Moon*~

Willow

weep under the willow.
tears ontop of my pillow.
memories are all i have.
dead, though my hearts beating.
sweet,sweet
your lil memory's fleeting
i know, but
i can't help 
disbelieving
that you're not
coming

back.

K9

sobbing quietly in this early morning..it is calm, yet deeply painful. 
humming to the sounds of chimes ringing for her, rhythmically and sweetly.

Vylette turns 9 months today. what a big big girl she would be. but i really have no idea. i feel her slipping away physically. yet mentally completely there.



an image of RAW TRUTH this morning.. just cuz.

fading. fading. fa

it all seems like its fading.like I'm fading.like you're fading. i cant help but keep creating, so i know days have passed. i seem to have lost the feeling, of your being, of your breathing. the images of you are fleeting, like I'm dreaming and waking fast. i can't get past the mission.i keep fishing, under strict conditions. i don't know if you'll listen but I'm screaming loud and fast. i cannot feel your heartbeat. stand on my feet. feel complete, feel defeat. i see you in a single frame, quickly fading, photograph.

sick sick sick

I'm feeling sick
im forgetting how to eat
a salad a day makes me feel complete
i do remember how to lay on the floor
and want to abandon all thought and all pain
i wake up each morning and wish
my life wasn't the same.

i feel like I'm stuck in the movie groundhogs day
i can do whatever and say whatever and make whatever
but i always wake up again into the same day
nothing changes
nothings grows
just me and a pile of yarn
the only way i know days have passed
is in the creations that i make
marking the days
marking the moments
of my life, incomplete.

how do my feet still work? i often wonder
how do i function?
lately i feel a breakdown on the horizon
the Fall is drawing near

Vylette would be 1 year
her fate made much more clear
and then the years start to pile on more and more
until I'm frail and old and still missing my precious baby.
but spending allll those years creating beauty in her name
and telling her story of how she was wronged.
these women CANNOT go on.
this center simply CANNOT be.
no real love for women.
no real care for Mommies.

Babies need a louder voice
since they cannot speak for themselves
i will Gladly be one.
----------

i hope they haunt you in your dreams with their Sweet Angelic-ness
something YOU, yes YOU, could never POSESS
a "Midwife" to the masses, but a complete and utter MESS
may your guilt eat you ALIVE. may your misery PROGRESS.

tonight, tonight.

some nights hurt worse than the last

some nights i wish would just pass

some nights i cry but i wish i could laugh

I Know that She Died

but i can't do the math.

Sometimes We Fall.

Sometimes We Fall
and we wish we were ashes.

Sometimes we're engulfed in the flames
like a lit box of matches.

Sometimes a river flows until
it has no more to give.

Sometimes we have to pick ourselves up
and
remember how to Live.

Where Are You in Your Grief?

where am i in my grief. in my life long process of loving the girl that i want so much to be in my arms, from afar. 8 months into the future i dreaded, 8 months away from the softness of her skin and the horror of her birth that was ruined by the very people that i hired to guide me. i miss her. a lot. somedays i am manic and happy buzzing about when something goes my way. somedays are bad like the days leading up to her monthly birthdays and the 5 days that follow when i set her free. the stars and the sky look down on me. but sometimes i forget how to shine. trying to be a rock and be strong and be resilient. but its so hard. trying to focus but not certain what to focus on. getting lost in endless hours of intensive crochet. turning my pain into knots of pretty colours dripping with love and sheer frustration. wanting to leave but not knowing where to go. escaping the house only to have panic attacks while i pass people by.. but hold my head high and walk.. keep walking. step after step not sure of the direction I’m going in but happy still know how to move my feet and dress up the way i used to enjoy. coloring my hair. painting my nails when i remember. getting lost with my head literally in the clouds playing games. she shows me pictures and i tell her what i see so she can have a keener eye for next time. staring sometimes a little too deeply at her things around her house.. her frozen breastmilk i pumped for her in the hospital, thats still taking up most of my freezer. i lose it. i cry. i invite the tears sometimes because they don’t come down nearly as much as they used to. i cry now to remember and to feel more to let her know i still care. always thinking of her but not thinking of her enough. scattered thoughts. reckless emotions pouring out into fights, endless fights..sleepless nights. i wish someone could hold me tight but everyone else is busy hurting for themselves.. i can’t tell where this all is going but I’m still trying hard to get there, wherever that is… <3 I Love you with all My Heart Vylette <3

Hearts Aplenty

To all the Angel Babies that we Love & Miss so much.

<3 to all the babies lost but not forgotten<3


through this journey after Vylette, I've met so many Mothers full of so many stories about so many babies lost in many different ways. my heart goes out to all of you.  Heaven must be such a beautiful place if all of our children are up there playing together allowing us to meet each other and find someone to talk to or guide us through our immense loss.  i am so thankful to have met all of you. the only one who understand me. i think of all these babies daily, and this is for them from me and Vylette<3

I thought i lost you

i thought i lost you

until you were found

In All the World's Beauty

and

in the Sweetest of Sounds.

i see you in the trees

in the air

in the sea

on the ground

just open your heart

and your eyes will astound:)

my life

where am i going?

what am i doing?

how did i get here?

and how the hell can i get OUT!?!

the days are...
monotonous repetitive  i think i need a sedative can i get out how do i get back in still waiting for my life to begin when the wind blows the bow does break forever waiting for the day when things start making sense again so let me sleep now and wake me then.

dddid i?

these days that pass and i cry less and just face the days ahead of me.. i sit and wonder
did i ever have you?
did i ever know you?
did i ever feel you?
did i ever grow you?


if i am not physically exhausted by my pain and tears
does it mean that you were not here?

i spend more days dedicated to ritual
to finding new ways to remember you
moon.. stars.. clouds... hearts
but in all this remembering i feel like i forgot what it was to have you
i miss all the classes i went to last year at this time.
i wanted to learn everything for you.
i wanted to be the most perfect natural momma.
cloth diapers all the way. i could teach the class myself and even better!
baby wrapping techniques because, who needs a stroller when i can be close to you
and keep you at my eye level so we can experience the world together.
i still see all the things i bought for you on the shelf..


and when i look too hard it hurts to know that i was so ready and just waiting for your arrival in those final weeks.. and days.. it almost seems like I'm still waiting for you. like the reality has not yet fully hit that you aren't coming back to me this time around.


where are you my dear?
what land do you reign over now, my princess?
how do you know me?
do you see me?
do you guide me?
do i miss most of the signs?
why wasn't i meant to be a mother to you, the way it was intended?
why do i need an angel baby, when an earth one would be perfectly fine?
where do all my kisses and wishes go when i send them out each night?
I'm sorry i don't sing your songs to you as much anymore.
what do i do? where do i go now?
what if it doesn't work out with me and your daddy?
what then?
i love you
i love you
ill always think of you.

Crown of Thorns

never one to NOT
be so BOLD
or follow the path
of which I'm told...

you could tell me THIS
and tell me THAT
you can wrinkle your nose
and call me fat.

but in this life i know
JUST where i'm at!

i put on my shoe
i put on my hat
i put on my stockings
& socks on top of that!

if you want, you can laugh
and call me a clown
but
I'LL WEAR MY GRIEF
LIKE ITS MY CROWN!

*(((In Rainbows)))*

i went to this art event at Tompkins the other week. didn't plan on it but i ended up there and lucky enough for me there was open canvas space.  i wanted to make something for Vylette.

@Tompkins Square Park - HOWL Festival/Art around the Park event.

what i was thinking of and singing and feeling when i made it is worth more than just the visual alone.

It is, after all, just a Rainbow Heart. but the love and songs and memories i put into it are real.

i made it for the kiddies passing by, just a last minute thought to brighten the area!

i ended up poking holes in difft spots and putting difft colored yarn drips hanginging allover it.

Here is the finished painting before i added the yarn.

..A Mother's Love..

 so many lil kids were like.. look look a heart! a rainbow! i love it! 

one girl told me "this inspires me:)"

or people said "i like the way this makes me feel, i love your heart"

JUSTICE FOR VYLETTE!


 so it made me so happy to hear parents asking their kids or kids asking their parents to try and make this at home. i suggested using fingerprints to blend in between the colors and have more fun doing it. It makes me smile to know i inspired an art project between parents and kids, with something simple they can make at home. i had the chance to tell a few about why i painted it and Vylette's story. but i knew my love for her would echo through anyone who admired it. story, or not. 

 ------

so that was my painting for Vylette! and on June 7th Vylette made a painting for her Momma, right outside my window. 

i was having a bad day.  things aren't going too well lately but i looked up from the computer and right outside my window was this huge beautiful rainbow. i have never seen one like this before.  i could see where it was coming from and where it was going. the end of it was right by a church up the street where my Mom and I leave donations and offerings for & in the name of Vylette.

you can't tell here but the Arc of the Rainbow was about 3 Rainbows thick.  i know it was a gift and it brightened up my day as well as the sky.

I Love You Vylette<3

Eyes & Ashes.

i saw my baby's eyes in a hazy dream last night.
she was not fussing or crying, just staring back into mine.
but i lost it so quickly..
i kept waking up to any sound because my cats jump around
on Vylette's shelf where i have all her toys displayed, crochet flowers,
Her Ashes..
they like to sniff and chew the flowers by her box of Earthly Memories,
the time that she spent here with me...
but when they jump off everything scatters, and once her box fell.
i am on guard all night. waking up to the slightest sound.
must be a mother's instinct. to wake to the sound of a cry; ill never hear.

last night i had a dream i lost her memories. Her box fell on the floor.
the edges were bent and it opened up. i could feel little particles allover my fingers.
were these her ashes? on my hands? with her box all in tatters?
i was looking for my cat who did this, but more in horror that what i have left of her was ruined.

this tends to be a common theme in my dreams of the past near 5 months.
Her Ashes exposed and ruined.. the bag inside rips and i can see what became of her beautiful perfect body.  her ashes looked like soil and they spilled out everywhere. there were so much of them.
i couldn't stop it.

Eyes & Ashes
those pretty eyelashes
turned to dust...

nighttime.

Will someone ever utter the name Mommy and think of me?
Will i ever feel the same, or like my heart beats?
could i try once again so you're here with me?
can i hold you close, and rock you to sleep?

when i get in my bed i imagine our real life
the one where you're here
and theres no pain and no strife
can i whisper in your ear
that mommy loves you to pieces
instead of look at your name
and kiss your box of ashes?
                -

The Moon is outside
when i lay down to sleep
and i whisper goodbyes
and for your soul to keep
flourishing high
in rain, mud and sleet
can i hold you again
and kiss your sweet feets?
my hearts on the mend
and my brain in a deep sleep
the blood never ends
cuz the wounds run
so deep.
So Deep.
      -
~*My Moon
My Star
so close
yet so far*~