dddid i?

these days that pass and i cry less and just face the days ahead of me.. i sit and wonder
did i ever have you?
did i ever know you?
did i ever feel you?
did i ever grow you?


if i am not physically exhausted by my pain and tears
does it mean that you were not here?

i spend more days dedicated to ritual
to finding new ways to remember you
moon.. stars.. clouds... hearts
but in all this remembering i feel like i forgot what it was to have you
i miss all the classes i went to last year at this time.
i wanted to learn everything for you.
i wanted to be the most perfect natural momma.
cloth diapers all the way. i could teach the class myself and even better!
baby wrapping techniques because, who needs a stroller when i can be close to you
and keep you at my eye level so we can experience the world together.
i still see all the things i bought for you on the shelf..


and when i look too hard it hurts to know that i was so ready and just waiting for your arrival in those final weeks.. and days.. it almost seems like I'm still waiting for you. like the reality has not yet fully hit that you aren't coming back to me this time around.


where are you my dear?
what land do you reign over now, my princess?
how do you know me?
do you see me?
do you guide me?
do i miss most of the signs?
why wasn't i meant to be a mother to you, the way it was intended?
why do i need an angel baby, when an earth one would be perfectly fine?
where do all my kisses and wishes go when i send them out each night?
I'm sorry i don't sing your songs to you as much anymore.
what do i do? where do i go now?
what if it doesn't work out with me and your daddy?
what then?
i love you
i love you
ill always think of you.