Where Are You in Your Grief?

where am i in my grief. in my life long process of loving the girl that i want so much to be in my arms, from afar. 8 months into the future i dreaded, 8 months away from the softness of her skin and the horror of her birth that was ruined by the very people that i hired to guide me. i miss her. a lot. somedays i am manic and happy buzzing about when something goes my way. somedays are bad like the days leading up to her monthly birthdays and the 5 days that follow when i set her free. the stars and the sky look down on me. but sometimes i forget how to shine. trying to be a rock and be strong and be resilient. but its so hard. trying to focus but not certain what to focus on. getting lost in endless hours of intensive crochet. turning my pain into knots of pretty colours dripping with love and sheer frustration. wanting to leave but not knowing where to go. escaping the house only to have panic attacks while i pass people by.. but hold my head high and walk.. keep walking. step after step not sure of the direction I’m going in but happy still know how to move my feet and dress up the way i used to enjoy. coloring my hair. painting my nails when i remember. getting lost with my head literally in the clouds playing games. she shows me pictures and i tell her what i see so she can have a keener eye for next time. staring sometimes a little too deeply at her things around her house.. her frozen breastmilk i pumped for her in the hospital, thats still taking up most of my freezer. i lose it. i cry. i invite the tears sometimes because they don’t come down nearly as much as they used to. i cry now to remember and to feel more to let her know i still care. always thinking of her but not thinking of her enough. scattered thoughts. reckless emotions pouring out into fights, endless fights..sleepless nights. i wish someone could hold me tight but everyone else is busy hurting for themselves.. i can’t tell where this all is going but I’m still trying hard to get there, wherever that is… <3 I Love you with all My Heart Vylette <3

Hearts Aplenty