its been a while...

i have not written in quite some time....
my heart still beats the same sad chime.
I'm at a loss for words
and a lack of sleep...
the first year seems to have made me speak
but now as my pain stands the test of time,
i drown in sorrow and just wish she was MINE.

i don't know what to say....
i don't know what to rhyme.

K9

sobbing quietly in this early morning..it is calm, yet deeply painful. 
humming to the sounds of chimes ringing for her, rhythmically and sweetly.

Vylette turns 9 months today. what a big big girl she would be. but i really have no idea. i feel her slipping away physically. yet mentally completely there.



an image of RAW TRUTH this morning.. just cuz.

tonight, tonight.

some nights hurt worse than the last

some nights i wish would just pass

some nights i cry but i wish i could laugh

I Know that She Died

but i can't do the math.

Sometimes We Fall.

Sometimes We Fall
and we wish we were ashes.

Sometimes we're engulfed in the flames
like a lit box of matches.

Sometimes a river flows until
it has no more to give.

Sometimes we have to pick ourselves up
and
remember how to Live.

Where Are You in Your Grief?

where am i in my grief. in my life long process of loving the girl that i want so much to be in my arms, from afar. 8 months into the future i dreaded, 8 months away from the softness of her skin and the horror of her birth that was ruined by the very people that i hired to guide me. i miss her. a lot. somedays i am manic and happy buzzing about when something goes my way. somedays are bad like the days leading up to her monthly birthdays and the 5 days that follow when i set her free. the stars and the sky look down on me. but sometimes i forget how to shine. trying to be a rock and be strong and be resilient. but its so hard. trying to focus but not certain what to focus on. getting lost in endless hours of intensive crochet. turning my pain into knots of pretty colours dripping with love and sheer frustration. wanting to leave but not knowing where to go. escaping the house only to have panic attacks while i pass people by.. but hold my head high and walk.. keep walking. step after step not sure of the direction I’m going in but happy still know how to move my feet and dress up the way i used to enjoy. coloring my hair. painting my nails when i remember. getting lost with my head literally in the clouds playing games. she shows me pictures and i tell her what i see so she can have a keener eye for next time. staring sometimes a little too deeply at her things around her house.. her frozen breastmilk i pumped for her in the hospital, thats still taking up most of my freezer. i lose it. i cry. i invite the tears sometimes because they don’t come down nearly as much as they used to. i cry now to remember and to feel more to let her know i still care. always thinking of her but not thinking of her enough. scattered thoughts. reckless emotions pouring out into fights, endless fights..sleepless nights. i wish someone could hold me tight but everyone else is busy hurting for themselves.. i can’t tell where this all is going but I’m still trying hard to get there, wherever that is… <3 I Love you with all My Heart Vylette <3

Hearts Aplenty

In Heaven~

   ~* What does Heaven look like,  My Baby? *~

    What does Heaven look like, My Love?

    Way up past the Stars that are Shining...

    Way up in the Sky up Above!

    Are there lots of Animals playing,

    In a world of only Pure Love?

    I hear all the Sweet Music Lulling

    Babies asleep on Tufts of Cloud Fluff...

    Can't wait til the day that i see you

  ~*  Cuz days down here surely are rough...*~

In the Light of Mourning...

so,

even though we just

took a trip

we have a 

rocky-road-blocked

Relationship.

is a kiss still a kiss

after your Rose ceases to exist?

i'd like to enlist 

a pacifistic view on things

but its so hard to sit in 

and fester

when the wounds will 

always STING...

Road block..

The Last Spring.

Me & Vylette at Brooklyn Botanical Garden's Cherry Blossom Festival last year

My senses are confused.. its pretty out. Flowers blooming. but i feel sad. last year, this time, i was aware of a little life budding inside of me. everything was much more beautiful. it was as if i was living Spring for the first time in my life. the smell of flowers was everywhere...i needed to know what every flower, every tree, every bush was called. i imagined having my baby here with me wondering how i would explain things to her. i was tearing up imagining what life would be like this year, with my baby in my arms. i felt amazing and overwhelmed.. i started my research on natural baby things, and the coolest cutest toys and essentials. i started paying more attention to every detail of waking, breathing, eating and sleeping. never in my life had i felt that way. Vylette changed me. i felt softer and prettier. i felt like a true woman. i had a goal for once in my life. 

Now i walk these same streets, looking at the buds of early spring blossoming, and everything feels weird. i want to smile at the beauty of nature but my heart aches instead. i see her in the flowers and hear her in the birdies chirping in the trees. but i want to see her face, hear her voice, and watch her blossom too. ♥

JUSTICE FOR VYLETTE!!!!!

here are a couple of visual essays showing what happened to my beautiful daughter, 

~*Vylette Moon*~

gone too soon!   

11.28.11 - 12.03.11

Her life was wrongfully taken  by the disgusting negligence of midwifes Asya Portnaya and Yuliya Milshteyn & doula London King of 

The Brooklyn Birthing Center, in NYC. 

My mission is to get JUSTICE for VYLETTE. to never allow these 'midwives' to be anywhere near precious new life and pregnant women & to have this careless center SHUT DOWN.

thanks to Megan for making these videos in memory of her!

VYLETTE's STORY

my absolutely perfect baby from my perfect pregnancy died directly due to the severe negligence of my midwives ASYA PORTNAYA & YULIYA MILSHTEYN of The Brooklyn Birthing Center (http://www.brooklynbirthingcenter.com/ ). also doula London King ( http://www.pushlove.com/ ). 

they delayed me for hours so much so that my baby was trapped in my birth canal and suffered lack of oxygen to her brain. they did not believe me when i told them my contractions were 2 min apart for HOURS. my doula was paid specifically doc one to my house to monitor me and tell me when to go in. but she failed me as well. they told me i was fine not in enough pain to go in. they said i could still talk so i wasn't in pain. i told them i was vomiting. they said no need for concern. 

it was thanksgiving weekend and no one wanted to break their vacation to deal with me. i wanted the most natural spiritual birth i could give my child but instead got the complete opposite. finally i told them i was coming in. i arrived fully dilated pushed for an hour. she broke my water and noticed meconium from distress. baby wanted to come out for hours but because of the delay she was panicking inside of me. there was definitely a good heartbeat. they made me stop pushing for 15 minutes! made me walk when i could feel her head between my legs even made me walk down the stairs instead of letting the EMTs put me on a stretcher! i listened cuz i was freaking out and had to trust them.. 

i arrived at the hospital and finally got to push. it was so hard to work against my own body.. sometimes i pushed cuz i couldn't hold it.. i wish i would have just pushed her out. shed be ok. i get to the hospitals and they're screaming at me to push saying I'm not working hard enough.. i struggle and scream.. the midwife spreads me open with two hands. no warning. i start screaming. a woman i don't know runs in the room and sticks her hand in too so i have 4 hands plying my pussy open. I'm groaning wildly... finally they cut me vagina open like they should have long ago and baby flies out stiff. no cries. gray complexion. no cries. they smash my stomach brutally to get the placenta out. i screaming.. 12 doctors swarm around baby trying to get her heart to start.. she's rushed out of the room. i feel like death. I'm freaking. I'm sent to my room.. i finally get to see her. its bad. she looks like she's sedated but she just isn't moving. they resuscitated her and she's on a ventilator. she's hooked up to 12 machines in a huge room of her own.. the rest of the babies in the NICU are in another room. every orifice has a wire a tube a needle in it. they poke and prod her every 30 min to adjust her glucose. machines administer drugs to keep her heart rate up.. they keep her on a special cooling table that lowers her body temp to slow down her metabolism for three days. after 3 days they do a brain scan. zero brain activity. 

i had a perfect pregnancy did everything right. all her tests and mine perfect. they killed her. they took away her spark. she had tiny movements that improved over a few days so we thought there may be hope. after the brain scan i had to decide when to turn the machines off. i saw that her body and soul were finally at peace. i knew it was time. she was so beautiful, so perfect that doctors cried when they saw her. the priest cried. they could all see how rosy pink her skin was.. how supple her soil, how pretty her features.. they were so sad. the nurses would dress her up in little accessories. 

her name is Vylette Moon and though she was here for such a short time she was very loved by all who saw her. except the midwives.. they never spoke to me again. stopped all contact and ran me in circles when i tried to obtain my medical records they are evil.

i was supposed to birth at the Brooklyn birthing centerthe midwives were ASYA PORTNAYA and YULIYA MILSHTEYN. i believe they are currently still delivering babies. it makes me so sick. i had to watch my child die in my arms. she would be 2 months and 1 week right now. 

my house is full of things i so carefully selected and requested for her. I'm so devastated and will always be. my boyfriend and i dont get along very well now, we're so far apart and at times, i feel so completely alone. its been very hard but i am strong.. or at least i try to be. its all been doctors, lawyers, paperwork, funeral homes, collecting her remains.. etc. all by myself. its so hard. it gets worse every day i feel deeper and deeper agony of not having her.. everything is hell. my family is devastated. ughhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

please visit my Facebook page JUSTICE FOR VYLETTE. read the story and view the photo albums. see what i had to live. LIKE and SHARE it with as many people as you can. Help give Vylette the voice she was not allowed to have! please raise awareness. i don't want this to ever happen to anyone else ever again! after this happened they washed their hands of me, said it was all in the hospital's hands now and never offered me any type of grievance or support. https://www.facebook.com/pages/Justice-for-Vylette/304080562960839