Thursday, December 19, 2013

Midnight Moon

December's Full Cold Moon

~*  Magical Moon set out to great me  *~ 
when all the world seems to defeat me 
"Not so fast!" she whispers, spritely 
tip-toeing into my window nightly

Winter's chill and icy sidewalks
on long lasting, lonely, night walks
The Slippery Sanctuary temporarily connecting me 
to the Celestial Hierarchy that is my 
Devastatingly Gorgeous and Not-So-Far-Gone Fairy
Radiating warmth to me on Silvery Stranded beams
Ensuring and revealing opalescent tear-streaming 

D       R       E       A       M      S

Sunday, November 24, 2013

POLKA DOT CAKE! BAKE ALONG - Tutorial for Vylette Moon's Hello Kitty Polka Dotted Happy 2nd Birthday PARTY!!!

For Vylette's 2nd Birthday
we're gonna try something fun and new!
last year we all baked Rainbow Cake to celebrate
We're gonna make a Polka Dot CAKE, a Polka Dot CAKE!!!
this cake is based off of a cake created from the blog of 

i found a few easier ways to create this cake if you dont have a cake pop maker or a special pan.

she describes different ways you can attempt to make this cake
she lists a few as failed attempts but they all look cool!

its all fun and theres no wrong way to do it! 
consider it  a new fun baking adventure & learning experience for you and your family!!!
<3 Vylette encourages Creativity of ALL KINDS <3


for Vegan Polka Dot cake we will need:
Chocolate Cake mix & Dark Chocolate Frosting
Strawberry Cake mix & Strawberry Frosting
1 cup Apple Sauce total
2 tbsp of Cornstarch total
2/3 cup Canola/Vegetable oil total
a mini cupcake pan
a cake pop maker
a small round cookie cutter

Replace 3 eggs with 1/2 cup Apple Sauce + 1tbsp Cornstarch
Replace 1cup water with 3/4 cup water
1/3 cup of oil remains the same

mix up the first batter 

bake half the mixture into cake pops/ mini cupcakes/ or bake the entire cake and cut out circles with a cookie cutter. if that gets confusing please refer to
 Beki cooks cakes blog for help!

make and mix batter #2 like batter #1


 oil and flour a cake pan.
pour a small amount of batter #2 on the bottom of the pan 
arrange cake balls/ mini muffins on their sides/ or circle cake cut outs on there sides ontop of the batter
pour more batter ontop of the balls until covered, leaving room for cake to rise in pan

place in Preheated oven at 350*
 bake cake a little longer than box directions. 
remove cake from oven when toothpick inserted into the center of the cake comes out clean.

repeat the process allover again, but make the opposite color of cake balls and batter!
place the balls/mini cupcakes/circle cut outs into different positions than the first cake.

bake agaaaaaain. take out when toothpick inserted into center of cake comes out CLEAN.

frost and ice however youd like!!! pink frosting on the chocolate cake and chocolate frosting on the pink!
you can do whatever you want. however you interpret this all

the more creative THE BETTER!!!

i topped my practice cake in Fondant because i plan to make her a two tiered Hello Kitty Birthday cake! i am not sure why this pattern or these colors but they were cheery and bright.

The Outside!!! <3

The Inside!

your turn now.

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Autumnal Woe... ~22 Months~ My Love Forever

i was baking and cleaning all night... and wishing i was feeding cake to Vylette. i know shed love it then run around and get all crazy after the warm spicey sugar rushhh  :)  i feel her around me running into Gradma's room.. always snuggling with Grandma or under the covers with Daddy on chilly days.

Where oh where is She though? the cake is getting cold...


somedays i dont want to do alot of thinking,
so ill do a lot of baking
or my hands will keep crocheting
to keep my heart from aching...
cant say that i really go out much
i hardly ever keep in touch
the mental anguish and the rush
chokes up the broken heart i clutch
so ill just stay here and hide
with my daughter's ashes by my side
and ill have the perfect time,
if even only in my mind.

around my feet i feel you running
i see you jumping, see you walking
under Autumn leaves just turning
i miss you love you sweetly
my darling you do complete me
without you, im hurting deeply
i once saw you held you 
i just wish i could have kept you
around for always
im withering my leaves are falling
my colors fading my eyes so distant
clouded aging
who ever thought that procreating 
would be such an Undertaking. 

a note to those who would never ever understand the pain of being an Angel Parent.

call us sick. call us what you want. call us crazy. but this is our love. undying, unending, unwinding down to the last thread until there is no more. we are Angel Parents now and forever. there is no end. get used to it, or fuck off.

Friday, September 6, 2013

this is the twilight zone

This was the longest most drawn out non existant summer of my life. I cant say ive done much. Its been so depressing. With every new season a new pain.. What would she be like? What would she and say? What games would we play? What songs would we sing? There is a part of me that can almost see all the happiness on the other side of the mirror in the real world in which we are truly happy. Im stuck in an alternate reality.. falling like a meteor awaiting the crash and burn. The Twilight Zone marathon was playing on the day i was so merrily putting together Vylette's Sugar plum themed purple swing...something i looked most forward to seeing her in. My nephew always loved his swing as a baby. I planned to see many happy memories in hers. But somehow i entered into the twilight zone, with the midwives from hell. 

This year Vylette's Birthday IS thanksgiving. The holiday they decided was more important than my baby and me. It wasnt even thanksgiving day.. We were so happy then, awaiting our child in just a few short days or moments after. My plug had fallen out that day. I was just waiting waiting waiting sitting pretty and so happy.  They just wanted one more day of vacation. Sunday night. They didnt have enough time off.. and now their gluttony and selfishness took her life away and altered mine forever. 

Nothing is the same. They say the next year will be better but it hasnt been. It has been long and winding. Rough and rigid. Motion sickness inducing chaotic misery. I have a loved & adored but missing Baby, tattered and charred relationship with so many pieces broken and missing that no one could quite put us back together again, and then theres me. What is there to me at all? Im surviving off of the love i have for Vylette and thats it. Thats all. But its so much and it is endless.. So somehow i can function, just minimally. ravaged by the rocks and waves. Trying to stay afloat upon the ebb and flow of tides in a sea of ash. Tsunami washed over me taking all i have. Trying to rebuild everything from scratch. dont know which direction to float or go....Wading..Just waiting.. Watching... Not stopping. My energy is dropping but my Soul is in it for the long haul.

Monday, September 2, 2013

Summer's End.

Why did you KILL 
M Y   B E A U T Y
my one and only
 T  R  U  L  Y
    -      -     -
forever cursed
and cast into
eternal damnation
for ruining my 
most sweetest
and finest
C R E A T I O N.

there is no amount or representation
that could set you free
from your SINS.

i will fight you til the very end.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Daddy Day - June 16 2013

Happy Father's Day to all the true Father's out there, especially those left out Daddies who can only carry their Babies in their Hearts <3

~<3 Daddy's Girl <3~

It was a long and rough buildup to Father's Day accompanied by anger, disgust, and chaotic frustration. His Girl was unfairly robbed from him.  The day is finally here and it is calm and somber, with a touch of sweetness because this day just would not be without our Sweet and Dear Vylette.

i think its really hard in general to find the best way to give a gift/celebrate Father's Day, but I can't express how hard it is trying to find a way to celebrate Father's Day for an Angel Daddy. Men often internalize their feelings, especially Grief and Heartbreak.  The best way to approach it, at least I thought, was to prepare all his favorite foods ( Home made by me &Vylette's Grandma, of COURSE!)
and let him know i honor him as Vylette's Dada.


*Fresh Brewed Homemade Sweet Tea
*Biscuits n Peppered Sausage Gravy Casserole smothered in Extra Sharp Cheddar Cheese 
(Grandma was forced to make the sausage gravy part cuz I'm Vegan and don't touch meat!)

*Grandma's Chicken Nuggets and fries

& for Desert
Heart Shaped Warm Marble Pound Cake/ Rocky Road ice cream sammiches topped with Cool Whip and Ranibow Sprinkles.

HE LOVED IT, and soon after passed out ;p

Home Made Sweet Tea (first time making it!)

Biscuits n Gravy Casserole! (The Ultimate form of Biscuits n Gravy!)

This Angel Father's way of celebrating Father's Day.
A Good Meal and a Good Cry.
His Daughter's Love will always be nearby.

Half a Moon in a Fluffy sky full of Cotton Candy Pink - for being a Half of Daddy and a Half of Mommy.
~Love <3 Vylette~

Lots of Love to you Jerry. i wish she was here and i wish i could watch you be Her Daddy<3 
today she would run up to daddy and give his belly raspberries or at least id do it and make her laugh... i walk around the house and feel/ see her in my mind running around giggling, tugging at our legs while we hug. running up to Dada and pulling his hair and running away.. playing with my yarn, looking at my hair flowers.. miss my Lil' Mommy. 

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Today Vylette would be One Year and One Half years old.

 i feel bad , i didnt have enough in me to muster up something.. i always make her something. Grandma has been busy working on something extra special for Vylette all day long. i feel like a bad Momma today.. i just am too sad, i could hardly wake up the last half of this month.  but today i woke up early.

Today was pouring.
i envisioned us going outside,
Jumping in Puddles with Pig Tails,
Kicking Pebbles, Watching Snails
& Smelling the Rain,,,
but no,
today was just like yesterday..
its all still the same.

day after day, with each one passing i have less words to say. this feeling is all encompassing, and getting in the way of me feeling ok and accepting some form of normalcy... in between here and there is an eternity. what should be will never be. i just wish my girl was here with me....

something woke me up to this beautiful sunrise
Bella talks to the birdies.
the sky cools down to purple

fluffy angel clouds up above.
lots of lights and lots of love.

misery is a butterfly.


reflections; soul projections...of things that should, but cannot be.
Butterflies and Gems chime for you, from me. 
Yellow and Purple, high as the sky Pansies. 
the ways i see you here with me...

wishing You a very Happy Half Birthday.

expressing the words i cannot say...

a tiny sleepy, tired kitty...

what i want and need. but know You have.

and finally the Green Green Nature, at last...

Monday, April 22, 2013

~Spring has Sprung~

~Spring has Sprung~

its my very favorite Season,
though i've hardly seen a thing.
i haven't really ventured out
and haven't had a song to sing.
Vylette showed me all the Beauty,
but now i feel the STING.
what a pity,
its my duty
to let the bells of
R I N G.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

The Urge. - March 24, 2013

I want to take you

I wish those EVIL
didnt have to 
make you go away.

there are not enough 
words left inside 
of me
to say

it really never
should have
ended up this way.

Id' hold you on the Horsies
as they'd go 

I'd clean up your tears
and the ice cream on 
your gown

I'd make you laugh
and smile
as we'd 
Round & Round.

and rock you deep 
to sleep
as the sun is


Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Asya Portnaya & Yuliya Milshteyn (of The Brooklyn Birthing Center)

The only tears i should see EVER My Momma cry are tears of pure joy, not ones of deep pain and sadness for the granddaughter she lost so unnecessarily.  she came home crying tonight.
it hurts my soul and enrages me that i can't do anything about this but wait.

Asya Portnaya & Yuliya Milshteyn of  The Brooklyn Birthing Center killed my daughter:
 Vylette Moon

When you killed my Daughter,
you not only killed her, you killed my whole family.
Your life goes on when it shouldn't.
You walk talk sleep eat work like you never harmed a baby.
how can you be so careless? so gluttonous? so selfish?
so evil.
how do you live with yourselves?
you killed a child of perfect health.
you killed a child who was so wanted and needed.
now that she's gone we don't know how to survive without her
but we do because we have to.
we have to bring her JUSTICE.

why does justice come from words in an old book, debated over between cold walls and people who were never even there? you and i know what happened. why can't justice be NOW. why can't it come as fast and easy as you killed my Vylette? why do we have to wait? I'm so sick of waiting.
why do you still get to work and touch pregnant women and babies?
why are you still able to see hold and care for your children?
one day when they grow up, they will know you are a murderer.
you are living a lie.
you are cold hearted and made of stone.
your profession is one of extreme importance. you don't work in a diner. you can't call out sick when you're just tired or feeling lazy. precious lives are at stake.
your job is to guide and nurture pregnant mothers, especially first time moms, and ensure that they are cared for properly & professionally.
babies are just money signs to you.
i could have all the money in the world, but i will never have my baby back.
you killed her.
you robbed us of HER LIFE.
she was going to be an Amazing Woman someday.

i have empty arms and my heart aches, 
but i am forever filled with the Light & Love of my Daughter.

you only have GUILT.

you committed the ultimate crime and you will be punished for it
not only by man, but under the eyes of God.

The Universe is Watching.

Monday, March 11, 2013

~Eye in the SKY~

I hope you
can feel
My Love...
from down here,
sent up above.

The Moon Floats
in the Sky

So High!

Oh, Can You Hear
My Lullaby?


Can You Reach Out
a helping hand,
to brush off the tears
My eyes doth 

its been a while...

i have not written in quite some time....
my heart still beats the same sad chime.
I'm at a loss for words
and a lack of sleep...
the first year seems to have made me speak
but now as my pain stands the test of time,
i drown in sorrow and just wish she was MINE.

i don't know what to say....
i don't know what to rhyme.

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Rain rain, go away...

water plants 
but don't water me
my heart, so full
its drowning deep
help me, save me
feed my soul
but keep dry 
my feet