Saturday, September 28, 2013

Autumnal Woe... ~22 Months~ My Love Forever

i was baking and cleaning all night... and wishing i was feeding cake to Vylette. i know shed love it then run around and get all crazy after the warm spicey sugar rushhh  :)  i feel her around me running into Gradma's room.. always snuggling with Grandma or under the covers with Daddy on chilly days.

Where oh where is She though? the cake is getting cold...


somedays i dont want to do alot of thinking,
so ill do a lot of baking
or my hands will keep crocheting
to keep my heart from aching...
cant say that i really go out much
i hardly ever keep in touch
the mental anguish and the rush
chokes up the broken heart i clutch
so ill just stay here and hide
with my daughter's ashes by my side
and ill have the perfect time,
if even only in my mind.

around my feet i feel you running
i see you jumping, see you walking
under Autumn leaves just turning
i miss you love you sweetly
my darling you do complete me
without you, im hurting deeply
i once saw you held you 
i just wish i could have kept you
around for always
im withering my leaves are falling
my colors fading my eyes so distant
clouded aging
who ever thought that procreating 
would be such an Undertaking. 

a note to those who would never ever understand the pain of being an Angel Parent.

call us sick. call us what you want. call us crazy. but this is our love. undying, unending, unwinding down to the last thread until there is no more. we are Angel Parents now and forever. there is no end. get used to it, or fuck off.

Friday, September 6, 2013

this is the twilight zone

This was the longest most drawn out non existant summer of my life. I cant say ive done much. Its been so depressing. With every new season a new pain.. What would she be like? What would she and say? What games would we play? What songs would we sing? There is a part of me that can almost see all the happiness on the other side of the mirror in the real world in which we are truly happy. Im stuck in an alternate reality.. falling like a meteor awaiting the crash and burn. The Twilight Zone marathon was playing on the day i was so merrily putting together Vylette's Sugar plum themed purple swing...something i looked most forward to seeing her in. My nephew always loved his swing as a baby. I planned to see many happy memories in hers. But somehow i entered into the twilight zone, with the midwives from hell. 

This year Vylette's Birthday IS thanksgiving. The holiday they decided was more important than my baby and me. It wasnt even thanksgiving day.. We were so happy then, awaiting our child in just a few short days or moments after. My plug had fallen out that day. I was just waiting waiting waiting sitting pretty and so happy.  They just wanted one more day of vacation. Sunday night. They didnt have enough time off.. and now their gluttony and selfishness took her life away and altered mine forever. 

Nothing is the same. They say the next year will be better but it hasnt been. It has been long and winding. Rough and rigid. Motion sickness inducing chaotic misery. I have a loved & adored but missing Baby, tattered and charred relationship with so many pieces broken and missing that no one could quite put us back together again, and then theres me. What is there to me at all? Im surviving off of the love i have for Vylette and thats it. Thats all. But its so much and it is endless.. So somehow i can function, just minimally. ravaged by the rocks and waves. Trying to stay afloat upon the ebb and flow of tides in a sea of ash. Tsunami washed over me taking all i have. Trying to rebuild everything from scratch. dont know which direction to float or go....Wading..Just waiting.. Watching... Not stopping. My energy is dropping but my Soul is in it for the long haul.

Monday, September 2, 2013

Summer's End.

Why did you KILL 
M Y   B E A U T Y
my one and only
 T  R  U  L  Y
    -      -     -
forever cursed
and cast into
eternal damnation
for ruining my 
most sweetest
and finest
C R E A T I O N.

there is no amount or representation
that could set you free
from your SINS.

i will fight you til the very end.