Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Vylette Moon Vylette Moon Vylette Moon

your name seems like a dream to me.
something written down on paper,
for only my eyes to see.
just a pretty picture
and a faded memory.
poetry in slow-motion
of things that could never be.

~*Vylette Moon*~


weep under the willow.
tears ontop of my pillow.
memories are all i have.
dead, though my hearts beating.
your lil memory's fleeting
i know, but
i can't help 
that you're not


Tuesday, August 28, 2012


sobbing quietly in this early is calm, yet deeply painful. 
humming to the sounds of chimes ringing for her, rhythmically and sweetly.

Vylette turns 9 months today. what a big big girl she would be. but i really have no idea. i feel her slipping away physically. yet mentally completely there.

an image of RAW TRUTH this morning.. just cuz.

Monday, August 27, 2012

9 Months.

"it was 
9 months since i grew you
now its
9 months since i knew you.
instead of coos and cries
i see pretty butterflies
clouds floating in the sky
making shapes as you pass by...
i know
now you're living through me,
but i really wish you knew me."

August 28, 2012.
9 months old. 
Vylette Moon <3 
My Love Always.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

though i should wake to hunger cries,

the night is long; it passes by.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

if i ring these bells
for the millionth time
will it bring you back?
will it make you mine?

fading. fading. fa

it all seems like its I'm you're fading. i cant help but keep creating, so i know days have passed. i seem to have lost the feeling, of your being, of your breathing. the images of you are fleeting, like I'm dreaming and waking fast. i can't get past the mission.i keep fishing, under strict conditions. i don't know if you'll listen but I'm screaming loud and fast. i cannot feel your heartbeat. stand on my feet. feel complete, feel defeat. i see you in a single frame, quickly fading, photograph.

Monday, August 20, 2012

a picture perfect morning.

i woke up and turned to look out of the window.  i always look for a pretty cloud that Vylette sends my way. today there was a cluster of clouds whose negative space made a heart shaped hole leading to the sky. it was lying in its side and in the middle was a perfect V. two thin wisps so perfectly placed. no mistake about it, the V or the heart. i saw this and said "Hi Vylette!"and immediately a bird flew by that seemed to have come right out of my house.. it was flying right for that V. in that same instance a dragonfly buzzed and clackered by, slowed down by its own weight. it was a picture perfect scene.. so very cute and sweet. and after all that instantaneous magic...


i turned and went back to sleep smiling <3

Sunday, August 19, 2012

sick sick sick

I'm feeling sick
im forgetting how to eat
a salad a day makes me feel complete
i do remember how to lay on the floor
and want to abandon all thought and all pain
i wake up each morning and wish
my life wasn't the same.

i feel like I'm stuck in the movie groundhogs day
i can do whatever and say whatever and make whatever
but i always wake up again into the same day
nothing changes
nothings grows
just me and a pile of yarn
the only way i know days have passed
is in the creations that i make
marking the days
marking the moments
of my life, incomplete.

how do my feet still work? i often wonder
how do i function?
lately i feel a breakdown on the horizon
the Fall is drawing near

Vylette would be 1 year
her fate made much more clear
and then the years start to pile on more and more
until I'm frail and old and still missing my precious baby.
but spending allll those years creating beauty in her name
and telling her story of how she was wronged.
these women CANNOT go on.
this center simply CANNOT be.
no real love for women.
no real care for Mommies.

Babies need a louder voice
since they cannot speak for themselves
i will Gladly be one.

i hope they haunt you in your dreams with their Sweet Angelic-ness
something YOU, yes YOU, could never POSESS
a "Midwife" to the masses, but a complete and utter MESS
may your guilt eat you ALIVE. may your misery PROGRESS.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

a hand reaching for a hand
searching for some hope
trying to understand
why the days are long
but our time was brief
looking for a reason
to take another breath

huhh huhh huhh...

Detachment Parenting by The Brooklyn Birthing Center.

There is always some detachment when looking at pictures of you, Vylette. i guess it is because i never got to fully feel that you were/are mine. i barely got to hold you, and the one time i did i had to have all of your wires and tubing taped onto my shoulders and neck. they had to wrap you in a blankie to contain all of your tubes and drug drips and monitors so they wouldn't get messed up in my grasp. i never had that skin to skin contact i so desperately wanted.... the whole reason why i went to that center in the first place! natural. pure. the way nature intended. but nature did not intend for someone else's laziness, poor guidance, horrific treatment, and over all disinterest. you should be here with me in my arms now. i shouldn't have to stare endlessly at pictures of you there, and wonder about who you were going to be in my life. my daughter, yes.. but who? and what? and where? and why? and how come? i wish i could learn things about you. your likes. your interests. watch your teeth grow in. hear your coos. your gurgles. give you a sippy cup. i don't even fucking know if you could even use a sippy cup at 9 months old. thats what hurts the most. i do not know what its like to be a Mother. i know what its like to miss my baby.  i know what its like to sleep all day. i know what its like to stay up all night long because i cannot sleep until the sun is up and glaring into my eyeballs, providing me with some form of comfort and warmness so that i may rest.  i feel like i don't know who you are. i have and will always have your memory. yes. but who are you, My Love? who were you going to be?

Even in death you are so important. you inspire so many with your story. you change the way mothers look at and value their children. you provide more kisses and hugs out of nowhere..just cuz. you are powerful and magical and beautiful...i know. but why did you have to leave me? why did you have to go????


Monday, August 6, 2012


it seems like everyone is getting engaged or married or pregnant these days. everyone's life is coming together while mine is rapidly falling apart. i am not jealous of other's loves and happiness... no, I'm just wondering how come i am so undeserving of finding a life for myself. i thought Vylette would be my Life. and she still is and will always be.. but it is more of a battle at the moment. and more of a misery. and a loss and a task... i spend most days inside, wishing to go out but so bored with this place that i don't even know where to go. i don't care about going to bars or shows. i used to perform. i used to dress up. i used to do nothing much at all but still it seems like it was a lot more than what i do now. it is very hard to be understood by the people i know. i don't think they'd ever bother to try. you never know how it is until you have your own Angel..i guess. i wish life would find me as i sit here indoors while the summer passes me by on the outside. i spend my days staring at the sky playing cloud games with Vylette.  i honestly don't know what would make me happy right now. i don't want to live here anymore. but my mother is here and she is all that keeps me together these days. i cant afford to leave. and where do i even go? i thought i wanted to live in another state but now i dream of being in a completely different country with different customs and hopefully nicer truer people. but its all a dream, a very hazy one that makes no sense. i have no goal aside from JUSTICE for my daughter.. i sit at home. i read. i learn. i try to create. hopefully these days as a shut-in will lead to future days of creating things id never imagined id make up. maybe one day love will surround me and i will feel free, happy and completely willing to be myself. i am always myself but there is so much more in me that i hold back. one day i hope i can release it. i thought having Vylette would give me the courage to do whatever i wanted. but without  her i feel so small...

Saturday, August 4, 2012

8 months and 1 week.

its almost been a full gestation
what is now misery
should be celebration
I'm running low
I'm out of patience
vacant thoughts
 my mind feels ancient
hard to breathe
nothing sacred.

Kill My Seed
Face The Nation.

tonight, tonight.

some nights hurt worse than the last

some nights i wish would just pass

some nights i cry but i wish i could laugh

I Know that She Died

but i can't do the math.

Sometimes We Fall.

Sometimes We Fall
and we wish we were ashes.

Sometimes we're engulfed in the flames
like a lit box of matches.

Sometimes a river flows until
it has no more to give.

Sometimes we have to pick ourselves up
remember how to Live.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Where Are You in Your Grief?

where am i in my grief. in my life long process of loving the girl that i want so much to be in my arms, from afar. 8 months into the future i dreaded, 8 months away from the softness of her skin and the horror of her birth that was ruined by the very people that i hired to guide me. i miss her. a lot. somedays i am manic and happy buzzing about when something goes my way. somedays are bad like the days leading up to her monthly birthdays and the 5 days that follow when i set her free. the stars and the sky look down on me. but sometimes i forget how to shine. trying to be a rock and be strong and be resilient. but its so hard. trying to focus but not certain what to focus on. getting lost in endless hours of intensive crochet. turning my pain into knots of pretty colours dripping with love and sheer frustration. wanting to leave but not knowing where to go. escaping the house only to have panic attacks while i pass people by.. but hold my head high and walk.. keep walking. step after step not sure of the direction I’m going in but happy still know how to move my feet and dress up the way i used to enjoy. coloring my hair. painting my nails when i remember. getting lost with my head literally in the clouds playing games. she shows me pictures and i tell her what i see so she can have a keener eye for next time. staring sometimes a little too deeply at her things around her house.. her frozen breastmilk i pumped for her in the hospital, thats still taking up most of my freezer. i lose it. i cry. i invite the tears sometimes because they don’t come down nearly as much as they used to. i cry now to remember and to feel more to let her know i still care. always thinking of her but not thinking of her enough. scattered thoughts. reckless emotions pouring out into fights, endless fights..sleepless nights. i wish someone could hold me tight but everyone else is busy hurting for themselves.. i can’t tell where this all is going but I’m still trying hard to get there, wherever that is… <3 I Love you with all My Heart Vylette <3

Hearts Aplenty