Monday, August 6, 2012


it seems like everyone is getting engaged or married or pregnant these days. everyone's life is coming together while mine is rapidly falling apart. i am not jealous of other's loves and happiness... no, I'm just wondering how come i am so undeserving of finding a life for myself. i thought Vylette would be my Life. and she still is and will always be.. but it is more of a battle at the moment. and more of a misery. and a loss and a task... i spend most days inside, wishing to go out but so bored with this place that i don't even know where to go. i don't care about going to bars or shows. i used to perform. i used to dress up. i used to do nothing much at all but still it seems like it was a lot more than what i do now. it is very hard to be understood by the people i know. i don't think they'd ever bother to try. you never know how it is until you have your own Angel..i guess. i wish life would find me as i sit here indoors while the summer passes me by on the outside. i spend my days staring at the sky playing cloud games with Vylette.  i honestly don't know what would make me happy right now. i don't want to live here anymore. but my mother is here and she is all that keeps me together these days. i cant afford to leave. and where do i even go? i thought i wanted to live in another state but now i dream of being in a completely different country with different customs and hopefully nicer truer people. but its all a dream, a very hazy one that makes no sense. i have no goal aside from JUSTICE for my daughter.. i sit at home. i read. i learn. i try to create. hopefully these days as a shut-in will lead to future days of creating things id never imagined id make up. maybe one day love will surround me and i will feel free, happy and completely willing to be myself. i am always myself but there is so much more in me that i hold back. one day i hope i can release it. i thought having Vylette would give me the courage to do whatever i wanted. but without  her i feel so small...


  1. Your feelings are so very understandable! You have had the worst loss that can happen in this life. But you also have so much love to give and you have Vylette's memory and her continuing existence. I really do think that you could help other moms that have also suffered. You already do help by your open heart, but I think you will continue to do more and more as time goes on. <3

  2. Your feelings are definitely understandable. Have you talked to a grief counseling or been in a grief support group?

  3. thank you both :)

    i haven't been able to make it to a support group in person. I've tried many times early on.. but never quite made it there.. and spent the entire day in darkness instead. i think it would just be too much to be in person. my support system online has been keeping me strong, however.. and if not strong , holding me up when i need it to.. thanks to all the wonderful women out there <3