Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Wed. 2:14am

day turns into day
turns into night...
turns into day.

turning to the internet
to make it go away.

i can't sleep
i can't weep
i can't eat
i can't pray.

Why'd it have to be
This Way?

Monday, April 16, 2012

Eyes & Ashes.

i saw my baby's eyes in a hazy dream last night.
she was not fussing or crying, just staring back into mine.
but i lost it so quickly..
i kept waking up to any sound because my cats jump around
on Vylette's shelf where i have all her toys displayed, crochet flowers,
Her Ashes..
they like to sniff and chew the flowers by her box of Earthly Memories,
the time that she spent here with me...
but when they jump off everything scatters, and once her box fell.
i am on guard all night. waking up to the slightest sound.
must be a mother's instinct. to wake to the sound of a cry; ill never hear.

last night i had a dream i lost her memories. Her box fell on the floor.
the edges were bent and it opened up. i could feel little particles allover my fingers.
were these her ashes? on my hands? with her box all in tatters?
i was looking for my cat who did this, but more in horror that what i have left of her was ruined.

this tends to be a common theme in my dreams of the past near 5 months.
Her Ashes exposed and ruined.. the bag inside rips and i can see what became of her beautiful perfect body.  her ashes looked like soil and they spilled out everywhere. there were so much of them.
i couldn't stop it.

Eyes & Ashes
those pretty eyelashes
turned to dust...

Wednesday, April 11, 2012


Will someone ever utter the name Mommy and think of me?
Will i ever feel the same, or like my heart beats?
could i try once again so you're here with me?
can i hold you close, and rock you to sleep?

when i get in my bed i imagine our real life
the one where you're here
and theres no pain and no strife
can i whisper in your ear
that mommy loves you to pieces
instead of look at your name
and kiss your box of ashes?

The Moon is outside
when i lay down to sleep
and i whisper goodbyes
and for your soul to keep
flourishing high
in rain, mud and sleet
can i hold you again
and kiss your sweet feets?
my hearts on the mend
and my brain in a deep sleep
the blood never ends
cuz the wounds run
so deep.
So Deep.
~*My Moon
My Star
so close
yet so far*~