siiiiiiiiiighhhhh

ever get that feeling where your head is going to explode, your ear is throbbing, your eye is twitching, your back is aching and your chest is being crushed?


no?

.....nevermind.

Detachment Parenting by The Brooklyn Birthing Center.

There is always some detachment when looking at pictures of you, Vylette. i guess it is because i never got to fully feel that you were/are mine. i barely got to hold you, and the one time i did i had to have all of your wires and tubing taped onto my shoulders and neck. they had to wrap you in a blankie to contain all of your tubes and drug drips and monitors so they wouldn't get messed up in my grasp. i never had that skin to skin contact i so desperately wanted.... the whole reason why i went to that center in the first place! natural. pure. the way nature intended. but nature did not intend for someone else's laziness, poor guidance, horrific treatment, and over all disinterest. you should be here with me in my arms now. i shouldn't have to stare endlessly at pictures of you there, and wonder about who you were going to be in my life. my daughter, yes.. but who? and what? and where? and why? and how come? i wish i could learn things about you. your likes. your interests. watch your teeth grow in. hear your coos. your gurgles. give you a sippy cup. i don't even fucking know if you could even use a sippy cup at 9 months old. thats what hurts the most. i do not know what its like to be a Mother. i know what its like to miss my baby.  i know what its like to sleep all day. i know what its like to stay up all night long because i cannot sleep until the sun is up and glaring into my eyeballs, providing me with some form of comfort and warmness so that i may rest.  i feel like i don't know who you are. i have and will always have your memory. yes. but who are you, My Love? who were you going to be?


Even in death you are so important. you inspire so many with your story. you change the way mothers look at and value their children. you provide more kisses and hugs out of nowhere..just cuz. you are powerful and magical and beautiful...i know. but why did you have to leave me? why did you have to go????

---------------------------

.

it seems like everyone is getting engaged or married or pregnant these days. everyone's life is coming together while mine is rapidly falling apart. i am not jealous of other's loves and happiness... no, I'm just wondering how come i am so undeserving of finding a life for myself. i thought Vylette would be my Life. and she still is and will always be.. but it is more of a battle at the moment. and more of a misery. and a loss and a task... i spend most days inside, wishing to go out but so bored with this place that i don't even know where to go. i don't care about going to bars or shows. i used to perform. i used to dress up. i used to do nothing much at all but still it seems like it was a lot more than what i do now. it is very hard to be understood by the people i know. i don't think they'd ever bother to try. you never know how it is until you have your own Angel..i guess. i wish life would find me as i sit here indoors while the summer passes me by on the outside. i spend my days staring at the sky playing cloud games with Vylette.  i honestly don't know what would make me happy right now. i don't want to live here anymore. but my mother is here and she is all that keeps me together these days. i cant afford to leave. and where do i even go? i thought i wanted to live in another state but now i dream of being in a completely different country with different customs and hopefully nicer truer people. but its all a dream, a very hazy one that makes no sense. i have no goal aside from JUSTICE for my daughter.. i sit at home. i read. i learn. i try to create. hopefully these days as a shut-in will lead to future days of creating things id never imagined id make up. maybe one day love will surround me and i will feel free, happy and completely willing to be myself. i am always myself but there is so much more in me that i hold back. one day i hope i can release it. i thought having Vylette would give me the courage to do whatever i wanted. but without  her i feel so small...

dddid i?

these days that pass and i cry less and just face the days ahead of me.. i sit and wonder
did i ever have you?
did i ever know you?
did i ever feel you?
did i ever grow you?


if i am not physically exhausted by my pain and tears
does it mean that you were not here?

i spend more days dedicated to ritual
to finding new ways to remember you
moon.. stars.. clouds... hearts
but in all this remembering i feel like i forgot what it was to have you
i miss all the classes i went to last year at this time.
i wanted to learn everything for you.
i wanted to be the most perfect natural momma.
cloth diapers all the way. i could teach the class myself and even better!
baby wrapping techniques because, who needs a stroller when i can be close to you
and keep you at my eye level so we can experience the world together.
i still see all the things i bought for you on the shelf..


and when i look too hard it hurts to know that i was so ready and just waiting for your arrival in those final weeks.. and days.. it almost seems like I'm still waiting for you. like the reality has not yet fully hit that you aren't coming back to me this time around.


where are you my dear?
what land do you reign over now, my princess?
how do you know me?
do you see me?
do you guide me?
do i miss most of the signs?
why wasn't i meant to be a mother to you, the way it was intended?
why do i need an angel baby, when an earth one would be perfectly fine?
where do all my kisses and wishes go when i send them out each night?
I'm sorry i don't sing your songs to you as much anymore.
what do i do? where do i go now?
what if it doesn't work out with me and your daddy?
what then?
i love you
i love you
ill always think of you.

i for an i

i miss those days
when i carried you
and when he'd still say
"i want to Marry you!"
but those days are long gone
and far behind.

i lack those times
that will never be
like reading you books
and hearing the word "Mommy"

Lord help me if THIS
will be the Death of Me
i should just move on
and hope for
an Eye
for an Eye.

A Night like this...

tonight is a New Moon. i got my period today. when my cycle aligns with a Moon phase I'm always so honoured. i asked the sky why they took Her from me and heard nothing. all i saw was a little star, a bright one, so far away in the distance...  it just said "Hello:)", so i spoke to it for a little while. i spoke to Her and i realized, She was in my womb safe and warm. She was nourished by my food, my thoughts, and my words the whole time. my surroundings were Hers and not always the exact, or anywhere near! exact way i wanted them to be. Now look at me sitting here on my porch... waiting, growing, reacting to my environment(for the most part a completely shitty one) yet held safe and protected by the sky(i hope) and in Her Womb; The Earth. i reside in Her. She looks down on Me now and nurtures Me instead. i grow inside Her Womb now. Amazing! I've changed. Im changing and i hope for  a better future and a more positive direction. because i never knew just where the hell i was going. but with Her i did. without Her i'm more lost than ever. . . as i squat down and pick up the pieces i look to the Sky, i look for the Moon, i ask for protection, a serene direction.. and for something much more than this...

Crown of Thorns

never one to NOT
be so BOLD
or follow the path
of which I'm told...

you could tell me THIS
and tell me THAT
you can wrinkle your nose
and call me fat.

but in this life i know
JUST where i'm at!

i put on my shoe
i put on my hat
i put on my stockings
& socks on top of that!

if you want, you can laugh
and call me a clown
but
I'LL WEAR MY GRIEF
LIKE ITS MY CROWN!

B L O O M

~i can smell you there,

 in the flowers,

 deep.

i can taste the tears

stained upon my cheek. 

i can hear your name sway across the breeze...

and remember 

you're still here with me.

i can see you now,

 in the sunshine, 

warm. 

as i once held you, 

child, 

safe from harm.~