Thursday, August 16, 2012

Detachment Parenting by The Brooklyn Birthing Center.

There is always some detachment when looking at pictures of you, Vylette. i guess it is because i never got to fully feel that you were/are mine. i barely got to hold you, and the one time i did i had to have all of your wires and tubing taped onto my shoulders and neck. they had to wrap you in a blankie to contain all of your tubes and drug drips and monitors so they wouldn't get messed up in my grasp. i never had that skin to skin contact i so desperately wanted.... the whole reason why i went to that center in the first place! natural. pure. the way nature intended. but nature did not intend for someone else's laziness, poor guidance, horrific treatment, and over all disinterest. you should be here with me in my arms now. i shouldn't have to stare endlessly at pictures of you there, and wonder about who you were going to be in my life. my daughter, yes.. but who? and what? and where? and why? and how come? i wish i could learn things about you. your likes. your interests. watch your teeth grow in. hear your coos. your gurgles. give you a sippy cup. i don't even fucking know if you could even use a sippy cup at 9 months old. thats what hurts the most. i do not know what its like to be a Mother. i know what its like to miss my baby.  i know what its like to sleep all day. i know what its like to stay up all night long because i cannot sleep until the sun is up and glaring into my eyeballs, providing me with some form of comfort and warmness so that i may rest.  i feel like i don't know who you are. i have and will always have your memory. yes. but who are you, My Love? who were you going to be?

Even in death you are so important. you inspire so many with your story. you change the way mothers look at and value their children. you provide more kisses and hugs out of nowhere..just cuz. you are powerful and magical and beautiful...i know. but why did you have to leave me? why did you have to go????


1 comment:

  1. (((<3)))) I wish she was here with you. Her life will never be without meaning but it is never wrong to question why someone that we love is gone, why we have to miss them and live with memories. Not even a sparrow can fall without it still having meaning through it's life. How much greater meaning your baby had! And we will never forget, you most of all, will never forget and will love her and imagine what would have been.