Midnight Moon

December's Full Cold Moon

~*  Magical Moon set out to great me  *~ 

when all the world seems to defeat me 

"Not so fast!" she whispers, spritely 

tip-toeing into my window nightly

Winter's chill and icy sidewalks

on long lasting, lonely, night walks

The Slippery Sanctuary temporarily connecting me 

to the Celestial Hierarchy that is my 

Devastatingly Gorgeous and Not-So-Far-Gone Fairy

Radiating warmth to me on Silvery Stranded beams

Ensuring and revealing opalescent tear-streaming 

D       R       E       A       M      S

Where Are You in Your Grief?

where am i in my grief. in my life long process of loving the girl that i want so much to be in my arms, from afar. 8 months into the future i dreaded, 8 months away from the softness of her skin and the horror of her birth that was ruined by the very people that i hired to guide me. i miss her. a lot. somedays i am manic and happy buzzing about when something goes my way. somedays are bad like the days leading up to her monthly birthdays and the 5 days that follow when i set her free. the stars and the sky look down on me. but sometimes i forget how to shine. trying to be a rock and be strong and be resilient. but its so hard. trying to focus but not certain what to focus on. getting lost in endless hours of intensive crochet. turning my pain into knots of pretty colours dripping with love and sheer frustration. wanting to leave but not knowing where to go. escaping the house only to have panic attacks while i pass people by.. but hold my head high and walk.. keep walking. step after step not sure of the direction I’m going in but happy still know how to move my feet and dress up the way i used to enjoy. coloring my hair. painting my nails when i remember. getting lost with my head literally in the clouds playing games. she shows me pictures and i tell her what i see so she can have a keener eye for next time. staring sometimes a little too deeply at her things around her house.. her frozen breastmilk i pumped for her in the hospital, thats still taking up most of my freezer. i lose it. i cry. i invite the tears sometimes because they don’t come down nearly as much as they used to. i cry now to remember and to feel more to let her know i still care. always thinking of her but not thinking of her enough. scattered thoughts. reckless emotions pouring out into fights, endless fights..sleepless nights. i wish someone could hold me tight but everyone else is busy hurting for themselves.. i can’t tell where this all is going but I’m still trying hard to get there, wherever that is… <3 I Love you with all My Heart Vylette <3

Hearts Aplenty

To all the Angel Babies that we Love & Miss so much.

<3 to all the babies lost but not forgotten<3


through this journey after Vylette, I've met so many Mothers full of so many stories about so many babies lost in many different ways. my heart goes out to all of you.  Heaven must be such a beautiful place if all of our children are up there playing together allowing us to meet each other and find someone to talk to or guide us through our immense loss.  i am so thankful to have met all of you. the only one who understand me. i think of all these babies daily, and this is for them from me and Vylette<3

I thought i lost you

i thought i lost you

until you were found

In All the World's Beauty

and

in the Sweetest of Sounds.

i see you in the trees

in the air

in the sea

on the ground

just open your heart

and your eyes will astound:)

B L O O M

~i can smell you there,

 in the flowers,

 deep.

i can taste the tears

stained upon my cheek. 

i can hear your name sway across the breeze...

and remember 

you're still here with me.

i can see you now,

 in the sunshine, 

warm. 

as i once held you, 

child, 

safe from harm.~