Birthdays are the Worst.

Jerry's bday Last Year + Pie!

i remember this day last year.. the feeling was just the same, full of anticipation of beautiful things to come. except this year there is no beautiful thing to come, to prepare for. there is no Vylette.

Today was Jerry's Birthday. and all i could do was think about last year and how everything used to feel. nothing was perfect, but it wasn't THIS. i always wanted to make a beautiful home made fruit pie with an intricate lattice patterned top and i thought being a Mother was the best time to start.. and on Daddy's Birthday of all days. i remember kneading the dough thinking about all the dreams that would soon come true.. what would she be like? how would we act with her? i bet she would laugh all day long and speak in a really strange witty wordplay language that only we, as her parents, could teach her.

i was so proud of my pie, and so happy to please! Blueberry Peach pie to be exact. and it was so good, and came out beautifully. next up to come out beautiful was my Dearest Vylette. He had a great birthday. my mom gave him presents.. we had balloons. limitless appetizers that i plated in intricate patterns because i popped out of Better Punk Homes n Gardens..



we took pictures with our reflections in his Balloons.. everything echoed happiness...

and now there is today. we had been fighting for a while ever since septemeber started. it seemed to be ok in august but once i saw the number 1, next to september on my phone i knew i was in for some bullshit. an emotional roller coaster of my own, but i forgot to consider the ride he would put me on.  they talk a lot about the men that hold the women up during times of loss. but what, just WHAT, about the fierce women that take all the horrific pain of themselves as well as the pain of the man, who likes to lay it on them at random will? what about her... i.e. Me? can i get a fucking award for that with cherries on top!?!

anyway.. today was so quiet. Jerry seemed really sad, depressed and completely quiet..very unlike him. i know there must be so much going on in his mind right now about Vylette and many other issues going on right now.. its so hard when nothing is right.  i kept mostly to myself. even though we have been fighting very nastily to the point of complete silence and distance.. i wanted to give him a somewhat decent birthday.  i let him do his thing and me and my mom got busy in the kitchen.  she made her secret meatball in gravy recipe and i took care of the mashed pertaters and mac n cheeeeese.

A Jerr sized Platter of Birthday Love from Me 'n' my Momma

Vylette Loves her Daddy <3

i also found him a really nice Balloon that i knew was sent from Vylette to Daddy, that made him smile.  He enjoyed his dinner when it was finally presented to him and pretty much ate it and passed out with the Lil sleepy eyed sheep we often dress up. today she was wearing a shirt that had a Koi fish on it, just like Daddy's tattoo. Vylette was all around, and yet not here at all. that feeling of anticipation was in me.. but all for nothing. there is not going to be a child in late October or November. there is not going to be a beautiful happiness and new beginning for my entire family. there will only be coldness and more sorrow. today was so quiet. i felt me walk around the traces of myself happy and beaming, buzzing around the kitchen last year with my belly full of Vylette.. it felt so surreal to walk around my past self in circles in my mind.. if only i knew then what i knew now. if only Vylette was here and not ripped away from us, leaving us frail empty shells of what we used to be. I can't imagine a day without her.. even though she is technically not here.
i hope You can see us from a far off place tonight, as we cry in our sleep and wish the best for your spirit.. i can see her shedding a tear or to for us, since we cannot hear or see her.. she wants us to know she is there.

sigh.. what will her birthday be like, i only wonder.. my stress levels are so high and the sorrow is deep and endless.. i miss her and i don't know why this all is the way it is.

Why do these women still practice at all?
everyone of the midwives involved no longer work at the center. isn't that curious.

Asya Portnaya works at a new place in a private practice. i wonder if that Doctor knows about what she did, and thinks nothing of it. i wonder if she even gives a shit about what she did, and thinks nothing of it or us.. she has made that perfectly clear.

i feel as though i am trying to move a boulder but all I'm doing is kicking tiny little pebbles. if only there was something more i could do. i am trying to spread the word, but i wish there was something more.

Where are you Vylette, Momma and Daddy really miss you <3

My Baby Died.

my baby died

and i cried
and i tried
to preserve her memory.

my baby died

i don't know why

her days on Earth

will never be.

JUSTICE FOR VYLETTE!!!!!

here are a couple of visual essays showing what happened to my beautiful daughter, 

~*Vylette Moon*~

gone too soon!   

11.28.11 - 12.03.11

Her life was wrongfully taken  by the disgusting negligence of midwifes Asya Portnaya and Yuliya Milshteyn & doula London King of 

The Brooklyn Birthing Center, in NYC. 

My mission is to get JUSTICE for VYLETTE. to never allow these 'midwives' to be anywhere near precious new life and pregnant women & to have this careless center SHUT DOWN.

thanks to Megan for making these videos in memory of her!

VYLETTE's STORY

my absolutely perfect baby from my perfect pregnancy died directly due to the severe negligence of my midwives ASYA PORTNAYA & YULIYA MILSHTEYN of The Brooklyn Birthing Center (http://www.brooklynbirthingcenter.com/ ). also doula London King ( http://www.pushlove.com/ ). 

they delayed me for hours so much so that my baby was trapped in my birth canal and suffered lack of oxygen to her brain. they did not believe me when i told them my contractions were 2 min apart for HOURS. my doula was paid specifically doc one to my house to monitor me and tell me when to go in. but she failed me as well. they told me i was fine not in enough pain to go in. they said i could still talk so i wasn't in pain. i told them i was vomiting. they said no need for concern. 

it was thanksgiving weekend and no one wanted to break their vacation to deal with me. i wanted the most natural spiritual birth i could give my child but instead got the complete opposite. finally i told them i was coming in. i arrived fully dilated pushed for an hour. she broke my water and noticed meconium from distress. baby wanted to come out for hours but because of the delay she was panicking inside of me. there was definitely a good heartbeat. they made me stop pushing for 15 minutes! made me walk when i could feel her head between my legs even made me walk down the stairs instead of letting the EMTs put me on a stretcher! i listened cuz i was freaking out and had to trust them.. 

i arrived at the hospital and finally got to push. it was so hard to work against my own body.. sometimes i pushed cuz i couldn't hold it.. i wish i would have just pushed her out. shed be ok. i get to the hospitals and they're screaming at me to push saying I'm not working hard enough.. i struggle and scream.. the midwife spreads me open with two hands. no warning. i start screaming. a woman i don't know runs in the room and sticks her hand in too so i have 4 hands plying my pussy open. I'm groaning wildly... finally they cut me vagina open like they should have long ago and baby flies out stiff. no cries. gray complexion. no cries. they smash my stomach brutally to get the placenta out. i screaming.. 12 doctors swarm around baby trying to get her heart to start.. she's rushed out of the room. i feel like death. I'm freaking. I'm sent to my room.. i finally get to see her. its bad. she looks like she's sedated but she just isn't moving. they resuscitated her and she's on a ventilator. she's hooked up to 12 machines in a huge room of her own.. the rest of the babies in the NICU are in another room. every orifice has a wire a tube a needle in it. they poke and prod her every 30 min to adjust her glucose. machines administer drugs to keep her heart rate up.. they keep her on a special cooling table that lowers her body temp to slow down her metabolism for three days. after 3 days they do a brain scan. zero brain activity. 

i had a perfect pregnancy did everything right. all her tests and mine perfect. they killed her. they took away her spark. she had tiny movements that improved over a few days so we thought there may be hope. after the brain scan i had to decide when to turn the machines off. i saw that her body and soul were finally at peace. i knew it was time. she was so beautiful, so perfect that doctors cried when they saw her. the priest cried. they could all see how rosy pink her skin was.. how supple her soil, how pretty her features.. they were so sad. the nurses would dress her up in little accessories. 

her name is Vylette Moon and though she was here for such a short time she was very loved by all who saw her. except the midwives.. they never spoke to me again. stopped all contact and ran me in circles when i tried to obtain my medical records they are evil.

i was supposed to birth at the Brooklyn birthing centerthe midwives were ASYA PORTNAYA and YULIYA MILSHTEYN. i believe they are currently still delivering babies. it makes me so sick. i had to watch my child die in my arms. she would be 2 months and 1 week right now. 

my house is full of things i so carefully selected and requested for her. I'm so devastated and will always be. my boyfriend and i dont get along very well now, we're so far apart and at times, i feel so completely alone. its been very hard but i am strong.. or at least i try to be. its all been doctors, lawyers, paperwork, funeral homes, collecting her remains.. etc. all by myself. its so hard. it gets worse every day i feel deeper and deeper agony of not having her.. everything is hell. my family is devastated. ughhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

please visit my Facebook page JUSTICE FOR VYLETTE. read the story and view the photo albums. see what i had to live. LIKE and SHARE it with as many people as you can. Help give Vylette the voice she was not allowed to have! please raise awareness. i don't want this to ever happen to anyone else ever again! after this happened they washed their hands of me, said it was all in the hospital's hands now and never offered me any type of grievance or support. https://www.facebook.com/pages/Justice-for-Vylette/304080562960839