Monday, September 17, 2012

Birthdays are the Worst.

Jerry's bday Last Year + Pie!
i remember this day last year.. the feeling was just the same, full of anticipation of beautiful things to come. except this year there is no beautiful thing to come, to prepare for. there is no Vylette.

Today was Jerry's Birthday. and all i could do was think about last year and how everything used to feel. nothing was perfect, but it wasn't THIS. i always wanted to make a beautiful home made fruit pie with an intricate lattice patterned top and i thought being a Mother was the best time to start.. and on Daddy's Birthday of all days. i remember kneading the dough thinking about all the dreams that would soon come true.. what would she be like? how would we act with her? i bet she would laugh all day long and speak in a really strange witty wordplay language that only we, as her parents, could teach her.

i was so proud of my pie, and so happy to please! Blueberry Peach pie to be exact. and it was so good, and came out beautifully. next up to come out beautiful was my Dearest Vylette. He had a great birthday. my mom gave him presents.. we had balloons. limitless appetizers that i plated in intricate patterns because i popped out of Better Punk Homes n Gardens..

we took pictures with our reflections in his Balloons.. everything echoed happiness...

and now there is today. we had been fighting for a while ever since septemeber started. it seemed to be ok in august but once i saw the number 1, next to september on my phone i knew i was in for some bullshit. an emotional roller coaster of my own, but i forgot to consider the ride he would put me on.  they talk a lot about the men that hold the women up during times of loss. but what, just WHAT, about the fierce women that take all the horrific pain of themselves as well as the pain of the man, who likes to lay it on them at random will? what about her... i.e. Me? can i get a fucking award for that with cherries on top!?!

anyway.. today was so quiet. Jerry seemed really sad, depressed and completely quiet..very unlike him. i know there must be so much going on in his mind right now about Vylette and many other issues going on right now.. its so hard when nothing is right.  i kept mostly to myself. even though we have been fighting very nastily to the point of complete silence and distance.. i wanted to give him a somewhat decent birthday.  i let him do his thing and me and my mom got busy in the kitchen.  she made her secret meatball in gravy recipe and i took care of the mashed pertaters and mac n cheeeeese.

A Jerr sized Platter of Birthday Love from Me 'n' my Momma

Vylette Loves her Daddy <3
i also found him a really nice Balloon that i knew was sent from Vylette to Daddy, that made him smile.  He enjoyed his dinner when it was finally presented to him and pretty much ate it and passed out with the Lil sleepy eyed sheep we often dress up. today she was wearing a shirt that had a Koi fish on it, just like Daddy's tattoo. Vylette was all around, and yet not here at all. that feeling of anticipation was in me.. but all for nothing. there is not going to be a child in late October or November. there is not going to be a beautiful happiness and new beginning for my entire family. there will only be coldness and more sorrow. today was so quiet. i felt me walk around the traces of myself happy and beaming, buzzing around the kitchen last year with my belly full of Vylette.. it felt so surreal to walk around my past self in circles in my mind.. if only i knew then what i knew now. if only Vylette was here and not ripped away from us, leaving us frail empty shells of what we used to be. I can't imagine a day without her.. even though she is technically not here.
i hope You can see us from a far off place tonight, as we cry in our sleep and wish the best for your spirit.. i can see her shedding a tear or to for us, since we cannot hear or see her.. she wants us to know she is there.

sigh.. what will her birthday be like, i only wonder.. my stress levels are so high and the sorrow is deep and endless.. i miss her and i don't know why this all is the way it is.

Why do these women still practice at all?
everyone of the midwives involved no longer work at the center. isn't that curious.

Asya Portnaya works at a new place in a private practice. i wonder if that Doctor knows about what she did, and thinks nothing of it. i wonder if she even gives a shit about what she did, and thinks nothing of it or us.. she has made that perfectly clear.

i feel as though i am trying to move a boulder but all I'm doing is kicking tiny little pebbles. if only there was something more i could do. i am trying to spread the word, but i wish there was something more.

Where are you Vylette, Momma and Daddy really miss you <3


  1. :( I am so deeply sorry. I cannot imagine your pain. You are a beautiful couple who has been thru hell. Someday, in time, your pain will be bearable. ~Vylette is with you always~ Stay strong for her...she doesn't want her mommy and daddy to be sad! xo

  2. I found something that reminded me so much of you. Maybe you will enjoy it and find something helpful in it.