this and that. an endless swarming thought of what we had but now is lost

so where do i now
fit in?
i was so ready willing and able
for my new life to begin...

love, the flicker to the flint that sent my heart a flutter~
she, the dancer in my womb;
my budding blooming dear  Earth wonder!

did you know the way your time here with me would go?
did you sense the delayed response?
the negligent dreadful blunder
that truly sent me under
and threw you over the rainbow
somewhere where only you can go
and i can only wonder?

do you see your Grandma
and do you know your Father?
will the Heavens up above choose to bless me with your Brother?
i know he is your other...
i always sensed his lurking
i now sense your spirit smirking.. ;p

Vylette your dear momma's hurting
can you just fall out from the sky and into my arms
i won't ask no questions if it will cause you any harm

a year soon now i will have been reporting
of all my disenchanted feelings
the lack of skippings and the beatings
of a heart dead drowned and searching
for her daughter every morning
i wake up and i see you in the clouds you send to grace my eyes
i smile as i see you and your drawings
recalling when we said our last goodbyes

i tried and I'm still trying
my darling i hope you see me
im not so picture perfect
but ill always be your Mommy.


i hope you like your birthday
mines soon, I'm almost 30
with not much more to show
but you're all the world should know of me
and what was meant to be
Now you're
an Angel watching over me
a Child for always, endlessly
blessed and heavenly
innocence and purity

Vylette, i wish you a very Happy
First Birthday.

pain

it trickles through me and in me
pulsating and deep
from my head to my feet
above my nose and in my cheeks
lump in my throat
my heart skips 20 beats
right above my knees clenched
and i
can't feel my feet
im in deep
incomplete
and I'm not here at all anymore
the floor has fallen out from under me
and i wish i could just be on the astral plain
instead of enduring an assholes pain
trying to keep busy
but life isn't the same
the road to glory
my drive has been drained
but not to worry ill take all the blame
ill play another game
ill clench my fists and try my
goddamnest not to
slit my wrists
ill coexist
or
contemplate life from a different view
that separates all the me
from the last parts of you.

its been a long while.

the lump in my throat has translated to my fingertips
the lines are broken
my thoughts amiss
the words unspoken that are usually written
are lost and forgotten
the pain focuses inward
im not such a coward I'm just on a mission
my friends unforgiven
for forgetting so easy
left out in the cold  with no message or meaning
when you're lost and you're lonely
and you're running on empty
don't reach out, cuz you left me
and ill never forgive you

the family has joined the bandwagon too
was hoping for a Happy 1st Birthday
to give her
but they shit on me too
don't tell me what hurts me
when I'm  down and I'm thirsty
my cup runneth over with Smitten & Chagrin
Lord, take me back to my real life
and let it begin.
begin.
begin...

long lost and lingering on a feeling
thats just dwindling
im not healing, I'm just hindering
the deep enchanted thought processes
the haunted halls of gauze compresses
the upright walk and rolling winds
if you're taking a step backwards
then never ask me to dance again
is there more to life than this
an awkward pose
a loveless kiss
a mental state of crucifixion
a long life left of
contradiction.
where is your faith love and harmony
i swear to god I'm falling to pieces
from rags to riches
now my riches in bags with tags on them
searching the long road
til i can find the magic found within.
where is my daughter
can you lead me and then
can you heal me and friend
wipe the weeping and get
to feeding my soul
cuz I've lost all control
if i take two more step backwards
it will lead me to my end.

:/

i wanted a child so much today,
but then i wished that thought away...
i wondered why my eyes were not wet
then realized i remembered to forget
the feeling that haunts me deep inside
i am a mom so filled with pride
but when the day is done
and the sun is set
my arms are cold
and my pillow's wet.

i want a little mini me
you know,
the way things were supposed to be...
 my cheeks still can smile
though the world let me down..
but my
heart feels empty
and my spirit frowns...

she's like a RAINBOW.

modeling one of my Endless Love scarves i make for Vylette

You are ALL
The Colours of The 
RAINBOW~
wherever you go,
i go
each time the wind blows

it calls out YOUR NAME.
each day without you
just 
isn't
the
same.

Birthdays are the Worst.

Jerry's bday Last Year + Pie!

i remember this day last year.. the feeling was just the same, full of anticipation of beautiful things to come. except this year there is no beautiful thing to come, to prepare for. there is no Vylette.

Today was Jerry's Birthday. and all i could do was think about last year and how everything used to feel. nothing was perfect, but it wasn't THIS. i always wanted to make a beautiful home made fruit pie with an intricate lattice patterned top and i thought being a Mother was the best time to start.. and on Daddy's Birthday of all days. i remember kneading the dough thinking about all the dreams that would soon come true.. what would she be like? how would we act with her? i bet she would laugh all day long and speak in a really strange witty wordplay language that only we, as her parents, could teach her.

i was so proud of my pie, and so happy to please! Blueberry Peach pie to be exact. and it was so good, and came out beautifully. next up to come out beautiful was my Dearest Vylette. He had a great birthday. my mom gave him presents.. we had balloons. limitless appetizers that i plated in intricate patterns because i popped out of Better Punk Homes n Gardens..



we took pictures with our reflections in his Balloons.. everything echoed happiness...

and now there is today. we had been fighting for a while ever since septemeber started. it seemed to be ok in august but once i saw the number 1, next to september on my phone i knew i was in for some bullshit. an emotional roller coaster of my own, but i forgot to consider the ride he would put me on.  they talk a lot about the men that hold the women up during times of loss. but what, just WHAT, about the fierce women that take all the horrific pain of themselves as well as the pain of the man, who likes to lay it on them at random will? what about her... i.e. Me? can i get a fucking award for that with cherries on top!?!

anyway.. today was so quiet. Jerry seemed really sad, depressed and completely quiet..very unlike him. i know there must be so much going on in his mind right now about Vylette and many other issues going on right now.. its so hard when nothing is right.  i kept mostly to myself. even though we have been fighting very nastily to the point of complete silence and distance.. i wanted to give him a somewhat decent birthday.  i let him do his thing and me and my mom got busy in the kitchen.  she made her secret meatball in gravy recipe and i took care of the mashed pertaters and mac n cheeeeese.

A Jerr sized Platter of Birthday Love from Me 'n' my Momma

Vylette Loves her Daddy <3

i also found him a really nice Balloon that i knew was sent from Vylette to Daddy, that made him smile.  He enjoyed his dinner when it was finally presented to him and pretty much ate it and passed out with the Lil sleepy eyed sheep we often dress up. today she was wearing a shirt that had a Koi fish on it, just like Daddy's tattoo. Vylette was all around, and yet not here at all. that feeling of anticipation was in me.. but all for nothing. there is not going to be a child in late October or November. there is not going to be a beautiful happiness and new beginning for my entire family. there will only be coldness and more sorrow. today was so quiet. i felt me walk around the traces of myself happy and beaming, buzzing around the kitchen last year with my belly full of Vylette.. it felt so surreal to walk around my past self in circles in my mind.. if only i knew then what i knew now. if only Vylette was here and not ripped away from us, leaving us frail empty shells of what we used to be. I can't imagine a day without her.. even though she is technically not here.
i hope You can see us from a far off place tonight, as we cry in our sleep and wish the best for your spirit.. i can see her shedding a tear or to for us, since we cannot hear or see her.. she wants us to know she is there.

sigh.. what will her birthday be like, i only wonder.. my stress levels are so high and the sorrow is deep and endless.. i miss her and i don't know why this all is the way it is.

Why do these women still practice at all?
everyone of the midwives involved no longer work at the center. isn't that curious.

Asya Portnaya works at a new place in a private practice. i wonder if that Doctor knows about what she did, and thinks nothing of it. i wonder if she even gives a shit about what she did, and thinks nothing of it or us.. she has made that perfectly clear.

i feel as though i am trying to move a boulder but all I'm doing is kicking tiny little pebbles. if only there was something more i could do. i am trying to spread the word, but i wish there was something more.

Where are you Vylette, Momma and Daddy really miss you <3

siiiiiiiiiighhhhh

ever get that feeling where your head is going to explode, your ear is throbbing, your eye is twitching, your back is aching and your chest is being crushed?


no?

.....nevermind.