i for an i

i miss those days
when i carried you
and when he'd still say
"i want to Marry you!"
but those days are long gone
and far behind.

i lack those times
that will never be
like reading you books
and hearing the word "Mommy"

Lord help me if THIS
will be the Death of Me
i should just move on
and hope for
an Eye
for an Eye.

A Night like this...

tonight is a New Moon. i got my period today. when my cycle aligns with a Moon phase I'm always so honoured. i asked the sky why they took Her from me and heard nothing. all i saw was a little star, a bright one, so far away in the distance...  it just said "Hello:)", so i spoke to it for a little while. i spoke to Her and i realized, She was in my womb safe and warm. She was nourished by my food, my thoughts, and my words the whole time. my surroundings were Hers and not always the exact, or anywhere near! exact way i wanted them to be. Now look at me sitting here on my porch... waiting, growing, reacting to my environment(for the most part a completely shitty one) yet held safe and protected by the sky(i hope) and in Her Womb; The Earth. i reside in Her. She looks down on Me now and nurtures Me instead. i grow inside Her Womb now. Amazing! I've changed. Im changing and i hope for  a better future and a more positive direction. because i never knew just where the hell i was going. but with Her i did. without Her i'm more lost than ever. . . as i squat down and pick up the pieces i look to the Sky, i look for the Moon, i ask for protection, a serene direction.. and for something much more than this...

Crown of Thorns

never one to NOT
be so BOLD
or follow the path
of which I'm told...

you could tell me THIS
and tell me THAT
you can wrinkle your nose
and call me fat.

but in this life i know
JUST where i'm at!

i put on my shoe
i put on my hat
i put on my stockings
& socks on top of that!

if you want, you can laugh
and call me a clown
but
I'LL WEAR MY GRIEF
LIKE ITS MY CROWN!

B L O O M

~i can smell you there,

 in the flowers,

 deep.

i can taste the tears

stained upon my cheek. 

i can hear your name sway across the breeze...

and remember 

you're still here with me.

i can see you now,

 in the sunshine, 

warm. 

as i once held you, 

child, 

safe from harm.~

*(((In Rainbows)))*

i went to this art event at Tompkins the other week. didn't plan on it but i ended up there and lucky enough for me there was open canvas space.  i wanted to make something for Vylette.

@Tompkins Square Park - HOWL Festival/Art around the Park event.

what i was thinking of and singing and feeling when i made it is worth more than just the visual alone.

It is, after all, just a Rainbow Heart. but the love and songs and memories i put into it are real.

i made it for the kiddies passing by, just a last minute thought to brighten the area!

i ended up poking holes in difft spots and putting difft colored yarn drips hanginging allover it.

Here is the finished painting before i added the yarn.

..A Mother's Love..

 so many lil kids were like.. look look a heart! a rainbow! i love it! 

one girl told me "this inspires me:)"

or people said "i like the way this makes me feel, i love your heart"

JUSTICE FOR VYLETTE!


 so it made me so happy to hear parents asking their kids or kids asking their parents to try and make this at home. i suggested using fingerprints to blend in between the colors and have more fun doing it. It makes me smile to know i inspired an art project between parents and kids, with something simple they can make at home. i had the chance to tell a few about why i painted it and Vylette's story. but i knew my love for her would echo through anyone who admired it. story, or not. 

 ------

so that was my painting for Vylette! and on June 7th Vylette made a painting for her Momma, right outside my window. 

i was having a bad day.  things aren't going too well lately but i looked up from the computer and right outside my window was this huge beautiful rainbow. i have never seen one like this before.  i could see where it was coming from and where it was going. the end of it was right by a church up the street where my Mom and I leave donations and offerings for & in the name of Vylette.

you can't tell here but the Arc of the Rainbow was about 3 Rainbows thick.  i know it was a gift and it brightened up my day as well as the sky.

I Love You Vylette<3

6 Months, 2 Weeks and a Moment

~*~

I cannot believe 6 Months have passed

since I have seen my Daughter last. 

If only I could spend a day or two,

to do the things that Mothers do...

But we have a special bond, you see

that you can't read in books or

watch on tv.

So even though my child has passed,

Her Memory, in me

will always Last.

Thank You for Everything!

Momma always Loves You

Happy 6 Month Birthday

~*Vylette Moon*~

In the Light of Mourning...

so,

even though we just

took a trip

we have a 

rocky-road-blocked

Relationship.

is a kiss still a kiss

after your Rose ceases to exist?

i'd like to enlist 

a pacifistic view on things

but its so hard to sit in 

and fester

when the wounds will 

always STING...