How long was it after your loved ones death did the "rawness" go away and every second wasn't unbearable anymore?

this is a beautiful question that "Grief Journeys" group on Facebook just posted. 

The answer to this keeps echoing in my mind a lot lately. i am so thankful to come as far as have in the past almost 8 months since i had to set Vylette free, though times are extremely rough. at first it was so RAW and jagged and i felt like there was an anvil on my head. this overwhelming cloud of doom was always there..no matter what laughter covered it up for a short moment. id feel something strange and think why do i feel... oh wait THATS WHY. 

but slowly it became easier to face the days. and i didn't just stare at the clouds rolling by from day to night searching for answers or a glimpse of Her. taking an extremely last minute month long journey cross country in May and ending up randomly in my favorite place San Francisco restored something in me that was missing for a long time. i started to feel my creative colorful spirit creep back into me again. day by day. piece by piece. being there seemed like magic especially when i ended up there on Mother's Day of all days. i think seeing all the beautiful signs my daughter gives me and being open to receiving them has allowed me to heal in some small way. she is amazing. i am so thankful for that.

I've been working on a crochet one-of-a-kind colorful multi-patterned scarves lately inspired by My love for Vylette and the Love all Mothers have for their lost babies. for those who'd like to wear their hearts on their sleeve..or in this case around your neck:) !

at one point early when i started to feel ok i doubted myself thinking i shouldn't be allowed to feel good. i should cry constantly and long and hard til puffy eyed and til all my breath is lost. so i tried hard to go back into deeply hidden emotional memories of her in the hospital and the pain of coming to an eerily lifeless empty home days later. doing that put me in bed for nearly 2 weeks sick and crying and miserable. i decided to never do that again and allow myself to heal and allow her to help me in the special ways she does. ♥

~Baby Mine.~

one of my favorite songs since i was a little girl...
==================================
Baby mine, don't you cry. 
Baby mine, dry your eyes. 
Rest your head close to my heart, 
Never to part, 
Baby of mine. 

Little one when you play, 
Don't you mind what they say. 
Let those eyes sparkle and shine, 
Never a tear, 
Baby of mine. 

If they knew sweet little you, 
They'd end up loving you too. 
All those same people who scold you 
What they'd give just for the right to hold you. 

From your head down to your toes, 
You're not much, goodness knows. 
But you're so precious to me, 
Sweet as can be, 
Baby of mine. 

my life

where am i going?

what am i doing?

how did i get here?

and how the hell can i get OUT!?!

the days are...
monotonous repetitive  i think i need a sedative can i get out how do i get back in still waiting for my life to begin when the wind blows the bow does break forever waiting for the day when things start making sense again so let me sleep now and wake me then.

?

i see the numbers of the people who view this blog.. but i wonder.. how come no one ever comments?  i wouldn't mind if you did.. or maybe there is nothing to say. its ok.

Independence Day

with all the snap crackle pop of the fireworks i feel like change is in the air. or at least i feel like it should be. things are not good. i am not happy. I'm stuck, but maybe theres a way out.. i just have to dare to take those first few steps and then start running without looking back. but i don't think i can do it. in situations such as mine, theres a lot of things you want to hold on to. everything tangible that is left. but upon further analysis those things aren't proving to be the best for me. healthy for me. satisfying for me. i want it all to go back to the way it was way back when..in the not too distant past. but i don't know if thats possible anymore. I'm weighed down like a rock that someone just wants to toss into the ocean anyway, without even noticing its luster. as if things couldn't get any worse.. they do. 

whatever plan the universe has laid out for me.. is truly a macabre masterpiece. or some shit like that.

My Baby Died.

my baby died

and i cried
and i tried
to preserve her memory.

my baby died

i don't know why

her days on Earth

will never be.

dddid i?

these days that pass and i cry less and just face the days ahead of me.. i sit and wonder
did i ever have you?
did i ever know you?
did i ever feel you?
did i ever grow you?


if i am not physically exhausted by my pain and tears
does it mean that you were not here?

i spend more days dedicated to ritual
to finding new ways to remember you
moon.. stars.. clouds... hearts
but in all this remembering i feel like i forgot what it was to have you
i miss all the classes i went to last year at this time.
i wanted to learn everything for you.
i wanted to be the most perfect natural momma.
cloth diapers all the way. i could teach the class myself and even better!
baby wrapping techniques because, who needs a stroller when i can be close to you
and keep you at my eye level so we can experience the world together.
i still see all the things i bought for you on the shelf..


and when i look too hard it hurts to know that i was so ready and just waiting for your arrival in those final weeks.. and days.. it almost seems like I'm still waiting for you. like the reality has not yet fully hit that you aren't coming back to me this time around.


where are you my dear?
what land do you reign over now, my princess?
how do you know me?
do you see me?
do you guide me?
do i miss most of the signs?
why wasn't i meant to be a mother to you, the way it was intended?
why do i need an angel baby, when an earth one would be perfectly fine?
where do all my kisses and wishes go when i send them out each night?
I'm sorry i don't sing your songs to you as much anymore.
what do i do? where do i go now?
what if it doesn't work out with me and your daddy?
what then?
i love you
i love you
ill always think of you.