a hand reaching for a hand

searching for some hope

trying to understand

why the days are long

but our time was brief

looking for a reason

to take another breath

huhh huhh huhh...

Detachment Parenting by The Brooklyn Birthing Center.

There is always some detachment when looking at pictures of you, Vylette. i guess it is because i never got to fully feel that you were/are mine. i barely got to hold you, and the one time i did i had to have all of your wires and tubing taped onto my shoulders and neck. they had to wrap you in a blankie to contain all of your tubes and drug drips and monitors so they wouldn't get messed up in my grasp. i never had that skin to skin contact i so desperately wanted.... the whole reason why i went to that center in the first place! natural. pure. the way nature intended. but nature did not intend for someone else's laziness, poor guidance, horrific treatment, and over all disinterest. you should be here with me in my arms now. i shouldn't have to stare endlessly at pictures of you there, and wonder about who you were going to be in my life. my daughter, yes.. but who? and what? and where? and why? and how come? i wish i could learn things about you. your likes. your interests. watch your teeth grow in. hear your coos. your gurgles. give you a sippy cup. i don't even fucking know if you could even use a sippy cup at 9 months old. thats what hurts the most. i do not know what its like to be a Mother. i know what its like to miss my baby.  i know what its like to sleep all day. i know what its like to stay up all night long because i cannot sleep until the sun is up and glaring into my eyeballs, providing me with some form of comfort and warmness so that i may rest.  i feel like i don't know who you are. i have and will always have your memory. yes. but who are you, My Love? who were you going to be?


Even in death you are so important. you inspire so many with your story. you change the way mothers look at and value their children. you provide more kisses and hugs out of nowhere..just cuz. you are powerful and magical and beautiful...i know. but why did you have to leave me? why did you have to go????

---------------------------

.

it seems like everyone is getting engaged or married or pregnant these days. everyone's life is coming together while mine is rapidly falling apart. i am not jealous of other's loves and happiness... no, I'm just wondering how come i am so undeserving of finding a life for myself. i thought Vylette would be my Life. and she still is and will always be.. but it is more of a battle at the moment. and more of a misery. and a loss and a task... i spend most days inside, wishing to go out but so bored with this place that i don't even know where to go. i don't care about going to bars or shows. i used to perform. i used to dress up. i used to do nothing much at all but still it seems like it was a lot more than what i do now. it is very hard to be understood by the people i know. i don't think they'd ever bother to try. you never know how it is until you have your own Angel..i guess. i wish life would find me as i sit here indoors while the summer passes me by on the outside. i spend my days staring at the sky playing cloud games with Vylette.  i honestly don't know what would make me happy right now. i don't want to live here anymore. but my mother is here and she is all that keeps me together these days. i cant afford to leave. and where do i even go? i thought i wanted to live in another state but now i dream of being in a completely different country with different customs and hopefully nicer truer people. but its all a dream, a very hazy one that makes no sense. i have no goal aside from JUSTICE for my daughter.. i sit at home. i read. i learn. i try to create. hopefully these days as a shut-in will lead to future days of creating things id never imagined id make up. maybe one day love will surround me and i will feel free, happy and completely willing to be myself. i am always myself but there is so much more in me that i hold back. one day i hope i can release it. i thought having Vylette would give me the courage to do whatever i wanted. but without  her i feel so small...

8 months and 1 week.

its almost been a full gestation
what is now misery
should be celebration
I'm running low
I'm out of patience
vacant thoughts
 my mind feels ancient
hard to breathe
and
nothing sacred.

Kill My Seed
and
Face The Nation.

tonight, tonight.

some nights hurt worse than the last

some nights i wish would just pass

some nights i cry but i wish i could laugh

I Know that She Died

but i can't do the math.

Sometimes We Fall.

Sometimes We Fall
and we wish we were ashes.

Sometimes we're engulfed in the flames
like a lit box of matches.

Sometimes a river flows until
it has no more to give.

Sometimes we have to pick ourselves up
and
remember how to Live.

Where Are You in Your Grief?

where am i in my grief. in my life long process of loving the girl that i want so much to be in my arms, from afar. 8 months into the future i dreaded, 8 months away from the softness of her skin and the horror of her birth that was ruined by the very people that i hired to guide me. i miss her. a lot. somedays i am manic and happy buzzing about when something goes my way. somedays are bad like the days leading up to her monthly birthdays and the 5 days that follow when i set her free. the stars and the sky look down on me. but sometimes i forget how to shine. trying to be a rock and be strong and be resilient. but its so hard. trying to focus but not certain what to focus on. getting lost in endless hours of intensive crochet. turning my pain into knots of pretty colours dripping with love and sheer frustration. wanting to leave but not knowing where to go. escaping the house only to have panic attacks while i pass people by.. but hold my head high and walk.. keep walking. step after step not sure of the direction I’m going in but happy still know how to move my feet and dress up the way i used to enjoy. coloring my hair. painting my nails when i remember. getting lost with my head literally in the clouds playing games. she shows me pictures and i tell her what i see so she can have a keener eye for next time. staring sometimes a little too deeply at her things around her house.. her frozen breastmilk i pumped for her in the hospital, thats still taking up most of my freezer. i lose it. i cry. i invite the tears sometimes because they don’t come down nearly as much as they used to. i cry now to remember and to feel more to let her know i still care. always thinking of her but not thinking of her enough. scattered thoughts. reckless emotions pouring out into fights, endless fights..sleepless nights. i wish someone could hold me tight but everyone else is busy hurting for themselves.. i can’t tell where this all is going but I’m still trying hard to get there, wherever that is… <3 I Love you with all My Heart Vylette <3

Hearts Aplenty