-POSTCARDS FROM HEAVEN-

-POSTCARDS FROM HEAVEN-
(Vylette's Valentine Morning gift to me... this beautiful view)

They wanna say that

you dont matter to me

but oh,

~You Matter to Me~

They wanna say i'm

OBSESSED

but i'm 

Preserving the Memory of

My Child who will

Never Be . . .

Just because you 

cannot comprehend 

doesnt mean i need 

help, mentally.

My Love for Vylette 

will  E c h o

E T E R N A L L Y . . .

Midnight Moon

December's Full Cold Moon

~*  Magical Moon set out to great me  *~ 

when all the world seems to defeat me 

"Not so fast!" she whispers, spritely 

tip-toeing into my window nightly

Winter's chill and icy sidewalks

on long lasting, lonely, night walks

The Slippery Sanctuary temporarily connecting me 

to the Celestial Hierarchy that is my 

Devastatingly Gorgeous and Not-So-Far-Gone Fairy

Radiating warmth to me on Silvery Stranded beams

Ensuring and revealing opalescent tear-streaming 

D       R       E       A       M      S

POLKA DOT CAKE! BAKE ALONG - Tutorial for Vylette Moon's Hello Kitty Polka Dotted Happy 2nd Birthday PARTY!!!

For Vylette's 2nd Birthday

we're gonna try something fun and new!

last year we all baked Rainbow Cake to celebrate

:::THIS YEAR:::

We're gonna make a Polka Dot CAKE, a Polka Dot CAKE!!!

this cake is based off of a cake created from the blog of 

Once Upon a Pedestal

i found a few easier ways to create this cake if you dont have a cake pop maker or a special pan.

on Beki Cooks Cakes Blog 

she describes different ways you can attempt to make this cake

she lists a few as failed attempts but they all look cool!

its all fun and theres no wrong way to do it! 

consider it  a new fun baking adventure & learning experience for you and your family!!!

<3 Vylette encourages Creativity of ALL KINDS <3

\

for Vegan Polka Dot cake we will need:

Chocolate Cake mix & Dark Chocolate Frosting

Strawberry Cake mix & Strawberry Frosting

1 cup Apple Sauce total

2 tbsp of Cornstarch total

2/3 cup Canola/Vegetable oil total

a mini cupcake pan

or

a cake pop maker

or 

a small round cookie cutter

Replace 3 eggs with 1/2 cup Apple Sauce + 1tbsp Cornstarch

Replace 1cup water with 3/4 cup water

1/3 cup of oil remains the same

mix up the first batter 

bake half the mixture into cake pops/ mini cupcakes/ or bake the entire cake and cut out circles with a cookie cutter. if that gets confusing please refer to

 Beki cooks cakes blog for help!

make and mix batter #2 like batter #1

PREHEAT OVEN TO 350*

 oil and flour a cake pan.

pour a small amount of batter #2 on the bottom of the pan 

arrange cake balls/ mini muffins on their sides/ or circle cake cut outs on there sides ontop of the batter

pour more batter ontop of the balls until covered, leaving room for cake to rise in pan

place in Preheated oven at 350*

 bake cake a little longer than box directions. 

remove cake from oven when toothpick inserted into the center of the cake comes out clean.

repeat the process allover again, but make the opposite color of cake balls and batter!

place the balls/mini cupcakes/circle cut outs into different positions than the first cake.

bake agaaaaaain. take out when toothpick inserted into center of cake comes out CLEAN.

frost and ice however youd like!!! pink frosting on the chocolate cake and chocolate frosting on the pink!

you can do whatever you want. however you interpret this all

WHAT EVER YOU THINK!!!

the more creative THE BETTER!!!

i topped my practice cake in Fondant because i plan to make her a two tiered Hello Kitty Birthday cake! i am not sure why this pattern or these colors but they were cheery and bright.

The Outside!!! <3

The Inside!

your turn now.
!!!GOOOOOOD LUCK!!!

Autumnal Woe... ~22 Months~ My Love Forever

i was baking and cleaning all night... and wishing i was feeding cake to Vylette. i know shed love it then run around and get all crazy after the warm spicey sugar rushhh  :)  i feel her around me running into Gradma's room.. always snuggling with Grandma or under the covers with Daddy on chilly days.

Where oh where is She though? the cake is getting cold...

----------------------------------------------------------------------

somedays i dont want to do alot of thinking,

so ill do a lot of baking

or my hands will keep crocheting

to keep my heart from aching...

cant say that i really go out much

i hardly ever keep in touch

the mental anguish and the rush

chokes up the broken heart i clutch

so ill just stay here and hide

with my daughter's ashes by my side

and ill have the perfect time,

if even only in my mind.

around my feet i feel you running

i see you jumping, see you walking

under Autumn leaves just turning

i miss you love you sweetly

my darling you do complete me

without you, im hurting deeply

i once saw you held you 

i just wish i could have kept you

around for always

im withering my leaves are falling

my colors fading my eyes so distant

clouded aging

who ever thought that procreating 

would be such an Undertaking. 

a note to those who would never ever understand the pain of being an Angel Parent.

call us sick. call us what you want. call us crazy. but this is our love. undying, unending, unwinding down to the last thread until there is no more. we are Angel Parents now and forever. there is no end. get used to it, or fuck off.

this is the twilight zone

This was the longest most drawn out non existant summer of my life. I cant say ive done much. Its been so depressing. With every new season a new pain.. What would she be like? What would she and say? What games would we play? What songs would we sing? There is a part of me that can almost see all the happiness on the other side of the mirror in the real world in which we are truly happy. Im stuck in an alternate reality.. falling like a meteor awaiting the crash and burn. The Twilight Zone marathon was playing on the day i was so merrily putting together Vylette's Sugar plum themed purple swing...something i looked most forward to seeing her in. My nephew always loved his swing as a baby. I planned to see many happy memories in hers. But somehow i entered into the twilight zone, with the midwives from hell. 

This year Vylette's Birthday IS thanksgiving. The holiday they decided was more important than my baby and me. It wasnt even thanksgiving day.. We were so happy then, awaiting our child in just a few short days or moments after. My plug had fallen out that day. I was just waiting waiting waiting sitting pretty and so happy.  They just wanted one more day of vacation. Sunday night. They didnt have enough time off.. and now their gluttony and selfishness took her life away and altered mine forever. 

Nothing is the same. They say the next year will be better but it hasnt been. It has been long and winding. Rough and rigid. Motion sickness inducing chaotic misery. I have a loved & adored but missing Baby, tattered and charred relationship with so many pieces broken and missing that no one could quite put us back together again, and then theres me. What is there to me at all? Im surviving off of the love i have for Vylette and thats it. Thats all. But its so much and it is endless.. So somehow i can function, just minimally. ravaged by the rocks and waves. Trying to stay afloat upon the ebb and flow of tides in a sea of ash. Tsunami washed over me taking all i have. Trying to rebuild everything from scratch. dont know which direction to float or go....Wading..Just waiting.. Watching... Not stopping. My energy is dropping but my Soul is in it for the long haul.

Summer's End.

Why did you KILL 

M Y   B E A U T Y

my one and only

 T  R  U  L  Y

    -      -     -

forever cursed

and cast into

eternal damnation

for ruining my 

most sweetest

and finest

C R E A T I O N.

there is no amount or representation

that could set you free

from your SINS.

i will fight you til the very end.

Daddy Day - June 16 2013

Happy Father's Day to all the true Father's out there, especially those left out Daddies who can only carry their Babies in their Hearts <3

~<3 Daddy's Girl <3~

It was a long and rough buildup to Father's Day accompanied by anger, disgust, and chaotic frustration. His Girl was unfairly robbed from him.  The day is finally here and it is calm and somber, with a touch of sweetness because this day just would not be without our Sweet and Dear Vylette.

i think its really hard in general to find the best way to give a gift/celebrate Father's Day, but I can't express how hard it is trying to find a way to celebrate Father's Day for an Angel Daddy. Men often internalize their feelings, especially Grief and Heartbreak.  The best way to approach it, at least I thought, was to prepare all his favorite foods ( Home made by me &Vylette's Grandma, of COURSE!)
and let him know i honor him as Vylette's Dada.

On Tonight's SOUTHERN STYLE ANGEL DADDY DAY MENU:  

*Fresh Brewed Homemade Sweet Tea
*Biscuits n Peppered Sausage Gravy Casserole smothered in Extra Sharp Cheddar Cheese 
(Grandma was forced to make the sausage gravy part cuz I'm Vegan and don't touch meat!)

*Grandma's Chicken Nuggets and fries

& for Desert
Heart Shaped Warm Marble Pound Cake/ Rocky Road ice cream sammiches topped with Cool Whip and Ranibow Sprinkles.

HE LOVED IT, and soon after passed out ;p

Home Made Sweet Tea (first time making it!)

Biscuits n Gravy Casserole! (The Ultimate form of Biscuits n Gravy!)

This Angel Father's way of celebrating Father's Day.
A Good Meal and a Good Cry.
His Daughter's Love will always be nearby.

Half a Moon in a Fluffy sky full of Cotton Candy Pink - for being a Half of Daddy and a Half of Mommy.
~Love <3 Vylette~

Lots of Love to you Jerry. i wish she was here and i wish i could watch you be Her Daddy<3 

today she would run up to daddy and give his belly raspberries or at least id do it and make her laugh... i walk around the house and feel/ see her in my mind running around giggling, tugging at our legs while we hug. running up to Dada and pulling his hair and running away.. playing with my yarn, looking at my hair flowers.. miss my Lil' Mommy. 

Today Vylette would be One Year and One Half years old.

 i feel bad , i didnt have enough in me to muster up something.. i always make her something. Grandma has been busy working on something extra special for Vylette all day long. i feel like a bad Momma today.. i just am too sad, i could hardly wake up the last half of this month.  but today i woke up early.



Today was pouring.
i envisioned us going outside,
Jumping in Puddles with Pig Tails,
Kicking Pebbles, Watching Snails
& Smelling the Rain,,,
but no,
today was just like yesterday..
its all still the same.
 :*(*

day after day, with each one passing i have less words to say. this feeling is all encompassing, and getting in the way of me feeling ok and accepting some form of normalcy... in between here and there is an eternity. what should be will never be. i just wish my girl was here with me....

something woke me up to this beautiful sunrise

Bella talks to the birdies.

the sky cools down to purple

fluffy angel clouds up above.

lots of lights and lots of love.

misery is a butterfly.

<3

reflections; soul projections...of things that should, but cannot be.

Butterflies and Gems chime for you, from me. 

Yellow and Purple, high as the sky Pansies. 

the ways i see you here with me...

wishing You a very Happy Half Birthday.

expressing the words i cannot say...

a tiny sleepy, tired kitty...

what i want and need. but know You have.

and finally the Green Green Nature, at last...

 

~Spring has Sprung~

~Spring has Sprung~

its my very favorite Season,

though i've hardly seen a thing.

i haven't really ventured out

and haven't had a song to sing.

Vylette showed me all the Beauty,

but now i feel the STING.

what a pity,

its my duty

to let the bells of

JUSTICE

R I N G.

The Urge. - March 24, 2013

I want to take you

to

A MERRY-GO-ROUND

today

I wish those EVIL

careless

"women"

didnt have to 

make you go away.

there are not enough 

words left inside 

of me

to say

it really never

should have

ended up this way.

Id' hold you on the Horsies

as they'd go 

UP & DOWN

I'd clean up your tears

and the ice cream on 

your gown

I'd make you laugh

and smile

as we'd 

spin

Round & Round.

and rock you deep 

to sleep

as the sun is

setting 

down.

<3

Mommy

Asya Portnaya & Yuliya Milshteyn (of The Brooklyn Birthing Center)

The only tears i should see EVER My Momma cry are tears of pure joy, not ones of deep pain and sadness for the granddaughter she lost so unnecessarily.  she came home crying tonight.
it hurts my soul and enrages me that i can't do anything about this but wait.

Asya Portnaya & Yuliya Milshteyn of  The Brooklyn Birthing Center killed my daughter:
 Vylette Moon http://www.facebook.com/justiceforvylette

When you killed my Daughter,
WHEN YOU MURDERED MY DAUGHTER,
you not only killed her, you killed my whole family.
Your life goes on when it shouldn't.
You walk talk sleep eat work like you never harmed a baby.
how can you be so careless? so gluttonous? so selfish?
so evil.
how do you live with yourselves?
you killed a child of perfect health.
you killed a child who was so wanted and needed.
now that she's gone we don't know how to survive without her
but we do because we have to.
we have to bring her JUSTICE.

why does justice come from words in an old book, debated over between cold walls and people who were never even there? you and i know what happened. why can't justice be NOW. why can't it come as fast and easy as you killed my Vylette? why do we have to wait? I'm so sick of waiting.
why do you still get to work and touch pregnant women and babies?
why are you still able to see hold and care for your children?
one day when they grow up, they will know you are a murderer.
you are living a lie.
you are cold hearted and made of stone.
your profession is one of extreme importance. you don't work in a diner. you can't call out sick when you're just tired or feeling lazy. precious lives are at stake.
your job is to guide and nurture pregnant mothers, especially first time moms, and ensure that they are cared for properly & professionally.
babies are just money signs to you.
i could have all the money in the world, but i will never have my baby back.
you killed her.
you robbed us of HER LIFE.
she was going to be an Amazing Woman someday.

i have empty arms and my heart aches, 

but i am forever filled with the Light & Love of my Daughter.

you only have GUILT.

you committed the ultimate crime and you will be punished for it
not only by man, but under the eyes of God.

The Universe is Watching.

~Eye in the SKY~

I hope you

can feel

MY LOVE,

My Love...

from down here,

sent up above.

The Moon Floats

in the Sky

So High!

Oh, Can You Hear

My Lullaby?

and

Can You Reach Out

a helping hand,

to brush off the tears

My eyes doth 

descend?

its been a while...

i have not written in quite some time....
my heart still beats the same sad chime.
I'm at a loss for words
and a lack of sleep...
the first year seems to have made me speak
but now as my pain stands the test of time,
i drown in sorrow and just wish she was MINE.

i don't know what to say....
i don't know what to rhyme.

Rain rain, go away...

water plants 
but don't water me
my heart, so full
its drowning deep
help me, save me
LET ME SLEEP!
feed my soul
but keep dry 
my feet

Full Cold Moon marks 13 Months without You.

13 months. another Full Moon to end this year on.

photo turned-to-digital painting taken in Vylette's Sacred Woods - Dec 03, 2012. a year to the day i set her soul free.

 i look at Her picture and think i am so far from that moment... people that 'know' me probably feel its time i move on. but i can't ever. and i want to celebrate every month of what should be her life... so this is it huh? painful life without Her.  walking in molasses. stuck like super glue. don't know what to do without You. sinking deeper into depression. i want to sleep all day again. don't know where to toss or turn. the swell the sting and the burn have all turned into a numbed dull void. an endless expanse of questions wonders and nothingness.. in the darkness i see you. so many colors that there is always a light. i see you without my eyes in the night. your energy pulsates and shines so bright. so bright! i wish you could come again through a trick trap door and mark the entry to the other world : DO NOT DISTURB. a precious life needs to be Born Again and Lead. this time without needless delay, and suffocating redness to the head. i want you LIVE and WELL nestled warm in my bed, not dried up and packaged in a box with a certified note that says you're dead.

12. 21. 12.

so interesting to be around on the date they said for years would be the supposed "end of the world" 

my world ended late last year. losing your child, especially due to the dirty misleading hands of someone else, is the apocalypse and you pretty much have to see whats left of you , pick up the pieces and wonder wtf is coming next...

i could only wish today was the last day, it would make everything easier. id embrace it. I'm waiting.


when i realized i was pregnant, i said to myself "the world can't be ending. I'm blessed with a baby" something i for some reason though to be impossible. not by any medical issues whatsoever.. but just the idea was beyond me... how could i be blessed withs something so perfect and beautiful? i have always had bad luck and end up in shitty situations. but no! clearly the world was here to stay and great things were about to happen in my life. 2012 would be the mark of a great year and a notable time in my life... watching my child grow during her first year on this earth. no wonder they wrote about it so many moons ago. they were talking about my Vylette.


but  now post apocalypse in a world without Vylette.. perhaps she is part of that new consciousness that will supposedly take over the world. she has already made her mark on this world. one of love and positivity. i just wish she was here, so we could smile and be happy and look forward to 2013, another beautiful year in the life of our budding Vylette flower. maybe then i could manage to get out of bed and do something with myself.. as time drags on i find less and less reason to wake or even move.  i don't think i left my house in a month, aside from going to the store 2 blocks away.  i feel with all my being that she should be here and we should be enjoying her every moment. crying when she cries.. and laughing when we see the spark and joy dancing in her pretty eyes. 

the end of the world has come and gone... and all i am left with is a box on a shelf.

this and that. an endless swarming thought of what we had but now is lost

so where do i now
fit in?
i was so ready willing and able
for my new life to begin...

love, the flicker to the flint that sent my heart a flutter~
she, the dancer in my womb;
my budding blooming dear  Earth wonder!

did you know the way your time here with me would go?
did you sense the delayed response?
the negligent dreadful blunder
that truly sent me under
and threw you over the rainbow
somewhere where only you can go
and i can only wonder?

do you see your Grandma
and do you know your Father?
will the Heavens up above choose to bless me with your Brother?
i know he is your other...
i always sensed his lurking
i now sense your spirit smirking.. ;p

Vylette your dear momma's hurting
can you just fall out from the sky and into my arms
i won't ask no questions if it will cause you any harm

a year soon now i will have been reporting
of all my disenchanted feelings
the lack of skippings and the beatings
of a heart dead drowned and searching
for her daughter every morning
i wake up and i see you in the clouds you send to grace my eyes
i smile as i see you and your drawings
recalling when we said our last goodbyes

i tried and I'm still trying
my darling i hope you see me
im not so picture perfect
but ill always be your Mommy.


i hope you like your birthday
mines soon, I'm almost 30
with not much more to show
but you're all the world should know of me
and what was meant to be
Now you're
an Angel watching over me
a Child for always, endlessly
blessed and heavenly
innocence and purity

Vylette, i wish you a very Happy
First Birthday.

pain

it trickles through me and in me
pulsating and deep
from my head to my feet
above my nose and in my cheeks
lump in my throat
my heart skips 20 beats
right above my knees clenched
and i
can't feel my feet
im in deep
incomplete
and I'm not here at all anymore
the floor has fallen out from under me
and i wish i could just be on the astral plain
instead of enduring an assholes pain
trying to keep busy
but life isn't the same
the road to glory
my drive has been drained
but not to worry ill take all the blame
ill play another game
ill clench my fists and try my
goddamnest not to
slit my wrists
ill coexist
or
contemplate life from a different view
that separates all the me
from the last parts of you.

its been a long while.

the lump in my throat has translated to my fingertips
the lines are broken
my thoughts amiss
the words unspoken that are usually written
are lost and forgotten
the pain focuses inward
im not such a coward I'm just on a mission
my friends unforgiven
for forgetting so easy
left out in the cold  with no message or meaning
when you're lost and you're lonely
and you're running on empty
don't reach out, cuz you left me
and ill never forgive you

the family has joined the bandwagon too
was hoping for a Happy 1st Birthday
to give her
but they shit on me too
don't tell me what hurts me
when I'm  down and I'm thirsty
my cup runneth over with Smitten & Chagrin
Lord, take me back to my real life
and let it begin.
begin.
begin...

long lost and lingering on a feeling
thats just dwindling
im not healing, I'm just hindering
the deep enchanted thought processes
the haunted halls of gauze compresses
the upright walk and rolling winds
if you're taking a step backwards
then never ask me to dance again
is there more to life than this
an awkward pose
a loveless kiss
a mental state of crucifixion
a long life left of
contradiction.
where is your faith love and harmony
i swear to god I'm falling to pieces
from rags to riches
now my riches in bags with tags on them
searching the long road
til i can find the magic found within.
where is my daughter
can you lead me and then
can you heal me and friend
wipe the weeping and get
to feeding my soul
cuz I've lost all control
if i take two more step backwards
it will lead me to my end.