its been a while...

i have not written in quite some time....
my heart still beats the same sad chime.
I'm at a loss for words
and a lack of sleep...
the first year seems to have made me speak
but now as my pain stands the test of time,
i drown in sorrow and just wish she was MINE.

i don't know what to say....
i don't know what to rhyme.

Rain rain, go away...

water plants 
but don't water me
my heart, so full
its drowning deep
help me, save me
LET ME SLEEP!
feed my soul
but keep dry 
my feet

Full Cold Moon marks 13 Months without You.

13 months. another Full Moon to end this year on.

photo turned-to-digital painting taken in Vylette's Sacred Woods - Dec 03, 2012. a year to the day i set her soul free.

 i look at Her picture and think i am so far from that moment... people that 'know' me probably feel its time i move on. but i can't ever. and i want to celebrate every month of what should be her life... so this is it huh? painful life without Her.  walking in molasses. stuck like super glue. don't know what to do without You. sinking deeper into depression. i want to sleep all day again. don't know where to toss or turn. the swell the sting and the burn have all turned into a numbed dull void. an endless expanse of questions wonders and nothingness.. in the darkness i see you. so many colors that there is always a light. i see you without my eyes in the night. your energy pulsates and shines so bright. so bright! i wish you could come again through a trick trap door and mark the entry to the other world : DO NOT DISTURB. a precious life needs to be Born Again and Lead. this time without needless delay, and suffocating redness to the head. i want you LIVE and WELL nestled warm in my bed, not dried up and packaged in a box with a certified note that says you're dead.

12. 21. 12.

so interesting to be around on the date they said for years would be the supposed "end of the world" 

my world ended late last year. losing your child, especially due to the dirty misleading hands of someone else, is the apocalypse and you pretty much have to see whats left of you , pick up the pieces and wonder wtf is coming next...

i could only wish today was the last day, it would make everything easier. id embrace it. I'm waiting.


when i realized i was pregnant, i said to myself "the world can't be ending. I'm blessed with a baby" something i for some reason though to be impossible. not by any medical issues whatsoever.. but just the idea was beyond me... how could i be blessed withs something so perfect and beautiful? i have always had bad luck and end up in shitty situations. but no! clearly the world was here to stay and great things were about to happen in my life. 2012 would be the mark of a great year and a notable time in my life... watching my child grow during her first year on this earth. no wonder they wrote about it so many moons ago. they were talking about my Vylette.


but  now post apocalypse in a world without Vylette.. perhaps she is part of that new consciousness that will supposedly take over the world. she has already made her mark on this world. one of love and positivity. i just wish she was here, so we could smile and be happy and look forward to 2013, another beautiful year in the life of our budding Vylette flower. maybe then i could manage to get out of bed and do something with myself.. as time drags on i find less and less reason to wake or even move.  i don't think i left my house in a month, aside from going to the store 2 blocks away.  i feel with all my being that she should be here and we should be enjoying her every moment. crying when she cries.. and laughing when we see the spark and joy dancing in her pretty eyes. 

the end of the world has come and gone... and all i am left with is a box on a shelf.

this and that. an endless swarming thought of what we had but now is lost

so where do i now
fit in?
i was so ready willing and able
for my new life to begin...

love, the flicker to the flint that sent my heart a flutter~
she, the dancer in my womb;
my budding blooming dear  Earth wonder!

did you know the way your time here with me would go?
did you sense the delayed response?
the negligent dreadful blunder
that truly sent me under
and threw you over the rainbow
somewhere where only you can go
and i can only wonder?

do you see your Grandma
and do you know your Father?
will the Heavens up above choose to bless me with your Brother?
i know he is your other...
i always sensed his lurking
i now sense your spirit smirking.. ;p

Vylette your dear momma's hurting
can you just fall out from the sky and into my arms
i won't ask no questions if it will cause you any harm

a year soon now i will have been reporting
of all my disenchanted feelings
the lack of skippings and the beatings
of a heart dead drowned and searching
for her daughter every morning
i wake up and i see you in the clouds you send to grace my eyes
i smile as i see you and your drawings
recalling when we said our last goodbyes

i tried and I'm still trying
my darling i hope you see me
im not so picture perfect
but ill always be your Mommy.


i hope you like your birthday
mines soon, I'm almost 30
with not much more to show
but you're all the world should know of me
and what was meant to be
Now you're
an Angel watching over me
a Child for always, endlessly
blessed and heavenly
innocence and purity

Vylette, i wish you a very Happy
First Birthday.

pain

it trickles through me and in me
pulsating and deep
from my head to my feet
above my nose and in my cheeks
lump in my throat
my heart skips 20 beats
right above my knees clenched
and i
can't feel my feet
im in deep
incomplete
and I'm not here at all anymore
the floor has fallen out from under me
and i wish i could just be on the astral plain
instead of enduring an assholes pain
trying to keep busy
but life isn't the same
the road to glory
my drive has been drained
but not to worry ill take all the blame
ill play another game
ill clench my fists and try my
goddamnest not to
slit my wrists
ill coexist
or
contemplate life from a different view
that separates all the me
from the last parts of you.

its been a long while.

the lump in my throat has translated to my fingertips
the lines are broken
my thoughts amiss
the words unspoken that are usually written
are lost and forgotten
the pain focuses inward
im not such a coward I'm just on a mission
my friends unforgiven
for forgetting so easy
left out in the cold  with no message or meaning
when you're lost and you're lonely
and you're running on empty
don't reach out, cuz you left me
and ill never forgive you

the family has joined the bandwagon too
was hoping for a Happy 1st Birthday
to give her
but they shit on me too
don't tell me what hurts me
when I'm  down and I'm thirsty
my cup runneth over with Smitten & Chagrin
Lord, take me back to my real life
and let it begin.
begin.
begin...

long lost and lingering on a feeling
thats just dwindling
im not healing, I'm just hindering
the deep enchanted thought processes
the haunted halls of gauze compresses
the upright walk and rolling winds
if you're taking a step backwards
then never ask me to dance again
is there more to life than this
an awkward pose
a loveless kiss
a mental state of crucifixion
a long life left of
contradiction.
where is your faith love and harmony
i swear to god I'm falling to pieces
from rags to riches
now my riches in bags with tags on them
searching the long road
til i can find the magic found within.
where is my daughter
can you lead me and then
can you heal me and friend
wipe the weeping and get
to feeding my soul
cuz I've lost all control
if i take two more step backwards
it will lead me to my end.