Wed. 2:14am

day turns into day
turns into night...
turns into day.

turning to the internet
to make it go away.

i can't sleep
i can't weep
i can't eat
and
i can't pray.

Why'd it have to be
This Way?

Road block..

Eyes & Ashes.

i saw my baby's eyes in a hazy dream last night.
she was not fussing or crying, just staring back into mine.
but i lost it so quickly..
i kept waking up to any sound because my cats jump around
on Vylette's shelf where i have all her toys displayed, crochet flowers,
Her Ashes..
they like to sniff and chew the flowers by her box of Earthly Memories,
the time that she spent here with me...
but when they jump off everything scatters, and once her box fell.
i am on guard all night. waking up to the slightest sound.
must be a mother's instinct. to wake to the sound of a cry; ill never hear.

last night i had a dream i lost her memories. Her box fell on the floor.
the edges were bent and it opened up. i could feel little particles allover my fingers.
were these her ashes? on my hands? with her box all in tatters?
i was looking for my cat who did this, but more in horror that what i have left of her was ruined.

this tends to be a common theme in my dreams of the past near 5 months.
Her Ashes exposed and ruined.. the bag inside rips and i can see what became of her beautiful perfect body.  her ashes looked like soil and they spilled out everywhere. there were so much of them.
i couldn't stop it.

Eyes & Ashes
those pretty eyelashes
turned to dust...

nighttime.

Will someone ever utter the name Mommy and think of me?
Will i ever feel the same, or like my heart beats?
could i try once again so you're here with me?
can i hold you close, and rock you to sleep?

when i get in my bed i imagine our real life
the one where you're here
and theres no pain and no strife
can i whisper in your ear
that mommy loves you to pieces
instead of look at your name
and kiss your box of ashes?
                -

The Moon is outside
when i lay down to sleep
and i whisper goodbyes
and for your soul to keep
flourishing high
in rain, mud and sleet
can i hold you again
and kiss your sweet feets?
my hearts on the mend
and my brain in a deep sleep
the blood never ends
cuz the wounds run
so deep.
So Deep.
      -
~*My Moon
My Star
so close
yet so far*~

The Last Spring.

Me & Vylette at Brooklyn Botanical Garden's Cherry Blossom Festival last year

My senses are confused.. its pretty out. Flowers blooming. but i feel sad. last year, this time, i was aware of a little life budding inside of me. everything was much more beautiful. it was as if i was living Spring for the first time in my life. the smell of flowers was everywhere...i needed to know what every flower, every tree, every bush was called. i imagined having my baby here with me wondering how i would explain things to her. i was tearing up imagining what life would be like this year, with my baby in my arms. i felt amazing and overwhelmed.. i started my research on natural baby things, and the coolest cutest toys and essentials. i started paying more attention to every detail of waking, breathing, eating and sleeping. never in my life had i felt that way. Vylette changed me. i felt softer and prettier. i felt like a true woman. i had a goal for once in my life. 

Now i walk these same streets, looking at the buds of early spring blossoming, and everything feels weird. i want to smile at the beauty of nature but my heart aches instead. i see her in the flowers and hear her in the birdies chirping in the trees. but i want to see her face, hear her voice, and watch her blossom too. ♥

thank you.

Joelle Fournier made this beautiful image for me

JUSTICE FOR VYLETTE!!!!!

here are a couple of visual essays showing what happened to my beautiful daughter, 

~*Vylette Moon*~

gone too soon!   

11.28.11 - 12.03.11

Her life was wrongfully taken  by the disgusting negligence of midwifes Asya Portnaya and Yuliya Milshteyn & doula London King of 

The Brooklyn Birthing Center, in NYC. 

My mission is to get JUSTICE for VYLETTE. to never allow these 'midwives' to be anywhere near precious new life and pregnant women & to have this careless center SHUT DOWN.

thanks to Megan for making these videos in memory of her!

VYLETTE's STORY

my absolutely perfect baby from my perfect pregnancy died directly due to the severe negligence of my midwives ASYA PORTNAYA & YULIYA MILSHTEYN of The Brooklyn Birthing Center (http://www.brooklynbirthingcenter.com/ ). also doula London King ( http://www.pushlove.com/ ). 

they delayed me for hours so much so that my baby was trapped in my birth canal and suffered lack of oxygen to her brain. they did not believe me when i told them my contractions were 2 min apart for HOURS. my doula was paid specifically doc one to my house to monitor me and tell me when to go in. but she failed me as well. they told me i was fine not in enough pain to go in. they said i could still talk so i wasn't in pain. i told them i was vomiting. they said no need for concern. 

it was thanksgiving weekend and no one wanted to break their vacation to deal with me. i wanted the most natural spiritual birth i could give my child but instead got the complete opposite. finally i told them i was coming in. i arrived fully dilated pushed for an hour. she broke my water and noticed meconium from distress. baby wanted to come out for hours but because of the delay she was panicking inside of me. there was definitely a good heartbeat. they made me stop pushing for 15 minutes! made me walk when i could feel her head between my legs even made me walk down the stairs instead of letting the EMTs put me on a stretcher! i listened cuz i was freaking out and had to trust them.. 

i arrived at the hospital and finally got to push. it was so hard to work against my own body.. sometimes i pushed cuz i couldn't hold it.. i wish i would have just pushed her out. shed be ok. i get to the hospitals and they're screaming at me to push saying I'm not working hard enough.. i struggle and scream.. the midwife spreads me open with two hands. no warning. i start screaming. a woman i don't know runs in the room and sticks her hand in too so i have 4 hands plying my pussy open. I'm groaning wildly... finally they cut me vagina open like they should have long ago and baby flies out stiff. no cries. gray complexion. no cries. they smash my stomach brutally to get the placenta out. i screaming.. 12 doctors swarm around baby trying to get her heart to start.. she's rushed out of the room. i feel like death. I'm freaking. I'm sent to my room.. i finally get to see her. its bad. she looks like she's sedated but she just isn't moving. they resuscitated her and she's on a ventilator. she's hooked up to 12 machines in a huge room of her own.. the rest of the babies in the NICU are in another room. every orifice has a wire a tube a needle in it. they poke and prod her every 30 min to adjust her glucose. machines administer drugs to keep her heart rate up.. they keep her on a special cooling table that lowers her body temp to slow down her metabolism for three days. after 3 days they do a brain scan. zero brain activity. 

i had a perfect pregnancy did everything right. all her tests and mine perfect. they killed her. they took away her spark. she had tiny movements that improved over a few days so we thought there may be hope. after the brain scan i had to decide when to turn the machines off. i saw that her body and soul were finally at peace. i knew it was time. she was so beautiful, so perfect that doctors cried when they saw her. the priest cried. they could all see how rosy pink her skin was.. how supple her soil, how pretty her features.. they were so sad. the nurses would dress her up in little accessories. 

her name is Vylette Moon and though she was here for such a short time she was very loved by all who saw her. except the midwives.. they never spoke to me again. stopped all contact and ran me in circles when i tried to obtain my medical records they are evil.

i was supposed to birth at the Brooklyn birthing centerthe midwives were ASYA PORTNAYA and YULIYA MILSHTEYN. i believe they are currently still delivering babies. it makes me so sick. i had to watch my child die in my arms. she would be 2 months and 1 week right now. 

my house is full of things i so carefully selected and requested for her. I'm so devastated and will always be. my boyfriend and i dont get along very well now, we're so far apart and at times, i feel so completely alone. its been very hard but i am strong.. or at least i try to be. its all been doctors, lawyers, paperwork, funeral homes, collecting her remains.. etc. all by myself. its so hard. it gets worse every day i feel deeper and deeper agony of not having her.. everything is hell. my family is devastated. ughhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

please visit my Facebook page JUSTICE FOR VYLETTE. read the story and view the photo albums. see what i had to live. LIKE and SHARE it with as many people as you can. Help give Vylette the voice she was not allowed to have! please raise awareness. i don't want this to ever happen to anyone else ever again! after this happened they washed their hands of me, said it was all in the hospital's hands now and never offered me any type of grievance or support. https://www.facebook.com/pages/Justice-for-Vylette/304080562960839