this and that. an endless swarming thought of what we had but now is lost

so where do i now
fit in?
i was so ready willing and able
for my new life to begin...

love, the flicker to the flint that sent my heart a flutter~
she, the dancer in my womb;
my budding blooming dear  Earth wonder!

did you know the way your time here with me would go?
did you sense the delayed response?
the negligent dreadful blunder
that truly sent me under
and threw you over the rainbow
somewhere where only you can go
and i can only wonder?

do you see your Grandma
and do you know your Father?
will the Heavens up above choose to bless me with your Brother?
i know he is your other...
i always sensed his lurking
i now sense your spirit smirking.. ;p

Vylette your dear momma's hurting
can you just fall out from the sky and into my arms
i won't ask no questions if it will cause you any harm

a year soon now i will have been reporting
of all my disenchanted feelings
the lack of skippings and the beatings
of a heart dead drowned and searching
for her daughter every morning
i wake up and i see you in the clouds you send to grace my eyes
i smile as i see you and your drawings
recalling when we said our last goodbyes

i tried and I'm still trying
my darling i hope you see me
im not so picture perfect
but ill always be your Mommy.


i hope you like your birthday
mines soon, I'm almost 30
with not much more to show
but you're all the world should know of me
and what was meant to be
Now you're
an Angel watching over me
a Child for always, endlessly
blessed and heavenly
innocence and purity

Vylette, i wish you a very Happy
First Birthday.

pain

it trickles through me and in me
pulsating and deep
from my head to my feet
above my nose and in my cheeks
lump in my throat
my heart skips 20 beats
right above my knees clenched
and i
can't feel my feet
im in deep
incomplete
and I'm not here at all anymore
the floor has fallen out from under me
and i wish i could just be on the astral plain
instead of enduring an assholes pain
trying to keep busy
but life isn't the same
the road to glory
my drive has been drained
but not to worry ill take all the blame
ill play another game
ill clench my fists and try my
goddamnest not to
slit my wrists
ill coexist
or
contemplate life from a different view
that separates all the me
from the last parts of you.

its been a long while.

the lump in my throat has translated to my fingertips
the lines are broken
my thoughts amiss
the words unspoken that are usually written
are lost and forgotten
the pain focuses inward
im not such a coward I'm just on a mission
my friends unforgiven
for forgetting so easy
left out in the cold  with no message or meaning
when you're lost and you're lonely
and you're running on empty
don't reach out, cuz you left me
and ill never forgive you

the family has joined the bandwagon too
was hoping for a Happy 1st Birthday
to give her
but they shit on me too
don't tell me what hurts me
when I'm  down and I'm thirsty
my cup runneth over with Smitten & Chagrin
Lord, take me back to my real life
and let it begin.
begin.
begin...

long lost and lingering on a feeling
thats just dwindling
im not healing, I'm just hindering
the deep enchanted thought processes
the haunted halls of gauze compresses
the upright walk and rolling winds
if you're taking a step backwards
then never ask me to dance again
is there more to life than this
an awkward pose
a loveless kiss
a mental state of crucifixion
a long life left of
contradiction.
where is your faith love and harmony
i swear to god I'm falling to pieces
from rags to riches
now my riches in bags with tags on them
searching the long road
til i can find the magic found within.
where is my daughter
can you lead me and then
can you heal me and friend
wipe the weeping and get
to feeding my soul
cuz I've lost all control
if i take two more step backwards
it will lead me to my end.